More threads by illumina


Special tks for D. Baxter for approving my membership and for mentioning the phrase "Hi illumina...." in his first msg.

Im 23, female, living in bali, one of the most beautiful islands in the world. I wish my days could be as beautiful as the island though... I have always been in quarrels with my parents ever since i was born ....(mom blames me for those hard times she went through during my birth... She says that i did not help her to push myself out of her womb to make things easier…. Do normal babies push themselves out during births?)

And i dont think my childhood as one period of my life that is worth remembering. Well my mom did slap, hit and throw things at me but what makes me feel sad is the words she said to me and how she treated me as a child. She yelled bad words that keep repeating themselves inside my mind. My parents did not tell me stories, did not ask me how was school. They would get angry when i did not go home right after school. They did not like me hang out with friends. They hid the chocolates and biscuits inside the cupboard as if they were poisonous and waited untill after the expiry date to start opening them. They did not like me watching tv and asked me to clean the house just seconds after i turned the tv on. We never go out together to a mall or a supermarket. They did not like to buy me new clothes because they would rather take my cousins' old clothes.

Then as a child i grow to be so naive and food became my only friend. I was a fat girl during my teenage. Mom hated me for being fat and told me how ugly i was. She said that it would be difficult for me to get a job in the future because im not pretty. She told me that im just a lump of pork sitting in front of tv. Now I have managed to shape my body yet I think im developing a bulimia syndrome during PMS period and a bit anorexic during normal days. My dad did not talk to me much... and eventhough we live in the same house i hardly know him.

The problem is i grow up to be someone with no dreams and almost zero character and dont have any purpose driven life. Im so naive, get hopeful and excited easily and boys make fool of me. When i look at the mirror, i hardly recognize the face im staring at. The face is so empty.

Today it's been a year since i was graduated from univ but i have not got any job. I always fail the interview sessions. Im sure it's because my lack of self confidence and character. I dont socialize easily too. I dont feel anxious in the crowds but my mind goes blank and i dont have any interesting topic to talk about. People find me boring.

I know that the solution is based on my own will, whether i really want to pull up myself and move on or not. But i dont know how to and i keep on failing to keep my mind positive. The one that is depressed and the one that is trying to fight the depression is dwelling the same mind, body and soul. Is it too late to build up my character in my 20s? I want to stop being naïve. And how to find a purpose in my life? How to keep my mind positive and optimistic while we are in the lowest self esteem and confidence level?

Any suggestion will be deeply appreciated...
Thank you ....

Btw im very open minded... so anyone enjoys virtual friendship, just email me to share stories about anything.. I'd love to have friends from different background and culture....


Welcome to the forums, hon!

I understand your problem, as I grew up with a somewhat controlling mother and an emotionally absent father. It's a difficult situation in which to be a child. :eek:(

I've been to Bali, and spent several years living in Djakarta, so "Salamat tingal!" (Sheesh! I hope I remembered that properly.) to you! Bali is, indeed, a beautiful island full of beautiful people and scenery. I envy you the opportunity to live there.

Your mother sounds like someone who has to blame everything bad on somebody. Blaming a child for not assisting its own birth is a bit farfetched. Your own logic will verify that. Just put it down to people being people. Everybody has problems, and nobody's perfect. The best thing to do is forgive and forget, but remain watchful of those whose personalities are hurtful and put up guards against those people hurting you.

Is there a possibilty that you could see a therapist who might help you learn to get through job interviews a bit better. There are methods for overcoming the anxiety that everybody feels when being interviewed for that all-important job. If there's someone you can see that can help you learn to apply some of them, you might be able to overcome some of the difficulties you're facing.

Best of luck, dear, and say "Hello" to Bali for me. I remember it fondly. :eek:)


Welcome Illumina!

I hope you make some new friends here. What a difficult childhood you had. Things will get better for you. There are organizations out there that help people develop skills and confidence for applying for jobs. Start by asking at the university. Most universities have these kinds of workshops and resources. If not they should be able to give you the name and number of an organization that could help you. Here is an example from a university in Australia.


Thank you Janetr... I feel at home already here...

ThatLady, Bali says that she'd be very happy if you can visit her again...
Selamat tinggal means goodbye while selamat datang means welcome... And it's amazing that you can still remember some indonesian phrases...

Seeing therapist here in indonesia has not yet a kind of habit or a need. So we are not familiar with sessions in a therapist room or with chemical medications to help us calm down.

Anyway... I've read many other posts in this site which makes me realize that im not the only one and there are others that suffer more than me.

HeartArt, thanks for the link ya.. Im checking in out right now and i think it'll be useful..


Baiklah! I knew tinggal was the wrong word, but I couldn't pull datang out of the back of my head for anything! Thanks!

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I thought baiklah was either a Greek dessert or a winter woolly hat that covers most of your face?

Then again, I thought that datang was a village in Vietnam.

Just goes to show... never listen to me :eek:)


Hee! Baik is the Indonesian word for "good". Adding the suffix "lah" emphasizes the meaning. So, I guess, baiklah would translate to Great!
Salamat Pagi! Apa kabar??

Okokok, my spellings not great, I used to live Malaysia and wanted to join in!!!
I havea question about your interview problems. Have you tried getting a few books on actual interview techniques?



Hi all...

baik = good
baiklah = ok then
It's like when you say "Ok then... let's start the meeting"
In indonesian it'll be "Baiklah.... mari kita mulai pertemuan ini."
Or it's like "Ok then... so what do you want now?"
In indonesian it'll be "Baiklah... jadi apa yang kau mau sekarang?"

I think "baiklah" is a single word by itself.

stupendous = great, in indonesian we say "hebat"
.... and in Indonesian slank we used to say... "gile bener" or "keren banget" which means "cool"

:p :D :))

Anyway... tks for phoenix..
Selamat pagi juga... terimakasih... kabar baik di sini...
I did look for that particular books, but then there arent many here available in indo. So i just search for some tips on the internet. Do you know good books on this topic?
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