Special tks for D. Baxter for approving my membership and for mentioning the phrase "Hi illumina...." in his first msg.
Im 23, female, living in bali, one of the most beautiful islands in the world. I wish my days could be as beautiful as the island though... I have always been in quarrels with my parents ever since i was born ....(mom blames me for those hard times she went through during my birth... She says that i did not help her to push myself out of her womb to make things easier…. Do normal babies push themselves out during births?)
And i dont think my childhood as one period of my life that is worth remembering. Well my mom did slap, hit and throw things at me but what makes me feel sad is the words she said to me and how she treated me as a child. She yelled bad words that keep repeating themselves inside my mind. My parents did not tell me stories, did not ask me how was school. They would get angry when i did not go home right after school. They did not like me hang out with friends. They hid the chocolates and biscuits inside the cupboard as if they were poisonous and waited untill after the expiry date to start opening them. They did not like me watching tv and asked me to clean the house just seconds after i turned the tv on. We never go out together to a mall or a supermarket. They did not like to buy me new clothes because they would rather take my cousins' old clothes.
Then as a child i grow to be so naive and food became my only friend. I was a fat girl during my teenage. Mom hated me for being fat and told me how ugly i was. She said that it would be difficult for me to get a job in the future because im not pretty. She told me that im just a lump of pork sitting in front of tv. Now I have managed to shape my body yet I think im developing a bulimia syndrome during PMS period and a bit anorexic during normal days. My dad did not talk to me much... and eventhough we live in the same house i hardly know him.
The problem is i grow up to be someone with no dreams and almost zero character and dont have any purpose driven life. Im so naive, get hopeful and excited easily and boys make fool of me. When i look at the mirror, i hardly recognize the face im staring at. The face is so empty.
Today it's been a year since i was graduated from univ but i have not got any job. I always fail the interview sessions. Im sure it's because my lack of self confidence and character. I dont socialize easily too. I dont feel anxious in the crowds but my mind goes blank and i dont have any interesting topic to talk about. People find me boring.
I know that the solution is based on my own will, whether i really want to pull up myself and move on or not. But i dont know how to and i keep on failing to keep my mind positive. The one that is depressed and the one that is trying to fight the depression is dwelling the same mind, body and soul. Is it too late to build up my character in my 20s? I want to stop being naïve. And how to find a purpose in my life? How to keep my mind positive and optimistic while we are in the lowest self esteem and confidence level?
Any suggestion will be deeply appreciated...
Thank you ....
Btw im very open minded... so anyone enjoys virtual friendship, just email me to share stories about anything.. I'd love to have friends from different background and culture....
Im 23, female, living in bali, one of the most beautiful islands in the world. I wish my days could be as beautiful as the island though... I have always been in quarrels with my parents ever since i was born ....(mom blames me for those hard times she went through during my birth... She says that i did not help her to push myself out of her womb to make things easier…. Do normal babies push themselves out during births?)
And i dont think my childhood as one period of my life that is worth remembering. Well my mom did slap, hit and throw things at me but what makes me feel sad is the words she said to me and how she treated me as a child. She yelled bad words that keep repeating themselves inside my mind. My parents did not tell me stories, did not ask me how was school. They would get angry when i did not go home right after school. They did not like me hang out with friends. They hid the chocolates and biscuits inside the cupboard as if they were poisonous and waited untill after the expiry date to start opening them. They did not like me watching tv and asked me to clean the house just seconds after i turned the tv on. We never go out together to a mall or a supermarket. They did not like to buy me new clothes because they would rather take my cousins' old clothes.
Then as a child i grow to be so naive and food became my only friend. I was a fat girl during my teenage. Mom hated me for being fat and told me how ugly i was. She said that it would be difficult for me to get a job in the future because im not pretty. She told me that im just a lump of pork sitting in front of tv. Now I have managed to shape my body yet I think im developing a bulimia syndrome during PMS period and a bit anorexic during normal days. My dad did not talk to me much... and eventhough we live in the same house i hardly know him.
The problem is i grow up to be someone with no dreams and almost zero character and dont have any purpose driven life. Im so naive, get hopeful and excited easily and boys make fool of me. When i look at the mirror, i hardly recognize the face im staring at. The face is so empty.
Today it's been a year since i was graduated from univ but i have not got any job. I always fail the interview sessions. Im sure it's because my lack of self confidence and character. I dont socialize easily too. I dont feel anxious in the crowds but my mind goes blank and i dont have any interesting topic to talk about. People find me boring.
I know that the solution is based on my own will, whether i really want to pull up myself and move on or not. But i dont know how to and i keep on failing to keep my mind positive. The one that is depressed and the one that is trying to fight the depression is dwelling the same mind, body and soul. Is it too late to build up my character in my 20s? I want to stop being naïve. And how to find a purpose in my life? How to keep my mind positive and optimistic while we are in the lowest self esteem and confidence level?
Any suggestion will be deeply appreciated...
Thank you ....
Btw im very open minded... so anyone enjoys virtual friendship, just email me to share stories about anything.. I'd love to have friends from different background and culture....
