• Quote of the Day
    "It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything."
    Morton Irving Seiden, posted by Daniel

Eunoia

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Feb 14, 2005
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oh, Heather, I'm sorry, *hugs*. noone should ever say that b/c it's been 8 months that you should be over what happened. it doesnt matter who much time passes, it's inconsiderate and shows a complete lack of understanding. the only thing I can think of if talking to him does not help, is to either talk to your roomate about it so that she can try talking to him, or maybe have him over when you're not at home, or as a last resort (even though it's your place and you shouldn't have to do this) maybe you could head out when he comes in... ie. go over to another friends, go to the library etc.. I mean it is your place too so I think you have a say in who comes over espec. if they're that inconsiderate.

the fact that your roomate knows that you worked all day and still manage to go out though, might actually make her jealous or envious of the fact that you manage to do all these things and have issues but in spite of those have a social life (or try to). If you really care about her taking her along to some of those things might make her less jealous but on the other hand I think you need your space and are nor her babysitter. don't get annoyed at comments like that, it's probably more a problem w/ herself than a problem w/ you. the only thing you can do if this happen regularly is not let comments like that affect you. don't give them the power to get you down.

I know you don't want to be angry and you said you'r not like that, but if you do alway avoid showing them any kind of emotion when you're annoyed, it will reinforce their behavior b/c they can't see that it's bugging you. you have to be consistent though b/c if you soemtimes for ex. let the guy say those remarks and at other times ignore them, he will not learn or understand. think neg./pos/reinforcement here!!
 

David Baxter

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The rape jokes went on for a very long time, even asking him to stop and he does know my past, he told me that because it was about 8 months ago I should be over it by now!
That's just ignorant. At that point, I think my reactions would have been along the lines of "Well I'm not over it and I would suggest that you wait until it happens to you before you pass judgment. In the meantime, I'm asking you to show a little common courtesy and sensitivity (probably adding in my head something like "you moronic clod!").

And as for the uni thing I did work all day and she didn't so it was a guilt thing (she does this to me often -- I am used to the comments it was the going out thing that hurts). And the friend who died used to come and stay at our place so she knows her as well! And the thing that annoyed me is what she said wasn't true I actually go out quite a lot and I go to more places then she does.
Sometimes a little cognitive reframing (starting with "consider the source") can help you to tune out and ignore/not react emotionally to such comments, although I do recognize that's easier said than done sometimes.

I am still annoyed, but I didn't show them that!
Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe it's time to start showing them that you are angry and that their behavior is insensitive, disrespectful, and hurtful. Then again see the "consider the source" part above.
 

Heather

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Joined
Jun 18, 2005
Messages
373
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Thanks again guys :)

Unfortunately the guy comes over late at night and then stays until the night of the next day (he works in a males welfare shelter on night shift!). So I can’t get away from him! Oh well it is ok I can deal with it, lol, I have dealt with a lot worse!!!
He is probably just naive right, I mean 8 months is a long time!
David – I love the comments, lol!!!

RE the flat mate it quite possibly is jealously, but that is ok I can handle that she just needs to leave out the fact that recently I have been staying at home more often than usual!
Cognitive reframing – will think about this!!!

Re the showing them I am annoyed thing, it could be part of the problem, but it is so out of character for me to do this! And they are both adults (22 and the guy over 55) so I would think that asking them to stop would be enough!!! But I think I am going to have to re-think this!!!

Thanks Heather :)
 

Eunoia

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2005
Messages
785
Points
16
males welfare shelter? then I would expect some better behaviour from him and espec. considering his age... but you know, you said that you'd expect more consideration and tact from both of them considering their age, but I guess that just shows you that age has nothing to do w/ this. some people act their age, others are immature, and some are wise beyond their years. I know what it's like to act out of character,... it's difficult! but sometimes, we have to to keep our selves sane or from being stomped upon... just sometimes, standing up for yourself can make all the difference and then eventually hopefully this will become a pattern. yes, do re-think! :)
 

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