Helping Your Child Develop A Healthy Sense of Self Esteem*
HealthyChildren.org
Last updated 3/3/2014
How can we help our child develop a healthy sense of self-esteem?
By definition, self-esteem is the way in which an individual perceives him/herself-in other words, him/her own thoughts and feelings about him/herself and him/her ability to achieve in ways that are important to him/her. This self-esteem is shaped not only by a child's own perceptions and expectations, but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant people in him/her life-how he/she is thought of and treated by parents, teachers and friends. The closer his/her perceived self (how he/she sees him/herself) comes to him/her ideal self (how he/she would like to be), the higher his/her self-esteem.
For healthy self-esteem, children need to develop or acquire some or all of the following characteristics:
A sense of security.
Your child must feel secure about him/herself and his/her future. ("What will become of me?")
A sense of belonging.
Your youngster needs to feel accepted and loved by others, beginning with the family and then extending to groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, a church or temple and even a neighborhood or community. Without this acceptance or group identity, he/she may feel rejected, lonely, and adrift without a "home," "family" or "group."
A sense of purpose.
Your child should have goals that give him/her purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling his/her energy toward achievement and self-expression. If he/she lacks a sense of purpose, he/she may feel bored, aimless, even resentful at being punished in certain directions by you or others.
A sense of personal competence and pride.
Your child should feel confident in his/her ability to meet the challenges in his/her life. This sense of personal power evolves from having successful life experiences in solving problems independently, being creative and getting results for his/her efforts. Setting appropriate expectations, not too low and not too high, is critical to developing competence and confidence. If you are overprotecting him/her, and if he/she is too dependent on you, or if expectations are so high he/she never succeeds, he/she may feel powerless and incapable of controlling the circumstances in his/her life.
A sense of trust.
Your child needs to feel trust in you and in him/herself. Toward this goal, you should keep promises, be supportive and give your child opportunities to be trustworthy. This means believing your child, and treating his/her as an honest person.
A sense of responsibility.
Give your child a chance to show what he/she is capable of doing. Allow him/her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of "letting go" with a sense of faith.
A sense of contribution.
Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give him/her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity. Let him/her know that he/she really counts.
A sense of making real choices and decisions.
Your child will feel empowered and in control of events when he/she is able to make or influence decisions that he/she considers important. These choices and decisions need to be appropriate for his/her age and abilities, and for the family's values.
A sense of self-discipline and self-control.
As your child is striving to achieve and gain more independence, he/she needs and wants to feel that he/she can make it on his/her own. Once you give him/her expectations, guidelines, and opportunities in which to test him/herself, he/she can reflect, reason, problem-solve and consider the consequences of the actions he/she may choose. This kind of self-awareness is critical for his/her future growth.
A sense of encouragement, support and reward.
Not only does your child need to achieve, but he/she also needs positive feedback and recognition - a real message that he/she is doing well, pleasing others and "making it." Encourage and praise him/her, not only for achieving a set goal but also for him/her efforts, and for even small increments of change and improvement. ("I like the way you waited for your turn," "Good try; you're working harder," "Good job!") Give him/her feedback as soon as possible to reinforce him/her self-esteem and to help him/her connect your comments to the activity involved.
A sense of accepting mistakes and failure.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, not defeated, when he/she makes mistakes or fails. Explain that these hurdles or setbacks are a normal part of living and learning, and that he/she can learn or benefit from them. Let your supportive, constructive feedback and your recognition of him/her effort overpower any sense of failure, guilt, or shame he/she might be feeling, giving him/her renewed motivation and hope. Again, make your feedback specific ("If you throw the ball like this, it might help") and not negative and personal ("You are so clumsy," "You'll never make it").
A sense of family self-esteem.
Your child's self-esteem initially develops within the family and thus is influenced greatly by the feelings and perceptions that a family has of itself. Some of the preceding comments apply to the family in building its self-esteem. Also, bear in mind that family pride is essential to self-esteem and can be nourished and maintained in many ways, including participation or involvement in community activities, tracing a family's heritage and ancestors, or caring for extended family members. Families fare better when members focus on each other's strengths, avoid excessive criticism and stick up for one another outside the family setting. Family members believe in and trust each other, respect their individual differences and show their affection for each other. They make time for being together, whether to share holidays, special events or just to have fun.
*Minor edits made in re-posting from the original article to be gender neutral
HealthyChildren.org
Last updated 3/3/2014
How can we help our child develop a healthy sense of self-esteem?
By definition, self-esteem is the way in which an individual perceives him/herself-in other words, him/her own thoughts and feelings about him/herself and him/her ability to achieve in ways that are important to him/her. This self-esteem is shaped not only by a child's own perceptions and expectations, but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant people in him/her life-how he/she is thought of and treated by parents, teachers and friends. The closer his/her perceived self (how he/she sees him/herself) comes to him/her ideal self (how he/she would like to be), the higher his/her self-esteem.
For healthy self-esteem, children need to develop or acquire some or all of the following characteristics:
A sense of security.
Your child must feel secure about him/herself and his/her future. ("What will become of me?")
A sense of belonging.
Your youngster needs to feel accepted and loved by others, beginning with the family and then extending to groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, a church or temple and even a neighborhood or community. Without this acceptance or group identity, he/she may feel rejected, lonely, and adrift without a "home," "family" or "group."
A sense of purpose.
Your child should have goals that give him/her purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling his/her energy toward achievement and self-expression. If he/she lacks a sense of purpose, he/she may feel bored, aimless, even resentful at being punished in certain directions by you or others.
A sense of personal competence and pride.
Your child should feel confident in his/her ability to meet the challenges in his/her life. This sense of personal power evolves from having successful life experiences in solving problems independently, being creative and getting results for his/her efforts. Setting appropriate expectations, not too low and not too high, is critical to developing competence and confidence. If you are overprotecting him/her, and if he/she is too dependent on you, or if expectations are so high he/she never succeeds, he/she may feel powerless and incapable of controlling the circumstances in his/her life.
A sense of trust.
Your child needs to feel trust in you and in him/herself. Toward this goal, you should keep promises, be supportive and give your child opportunities to be trustworthy. This means believing your child, and treating his/her as an honest person.
A sense of responsibility.
Give your child a chance to show what he/she is capable of doing. Allow him/her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of "letting go" with a sense of faith.
A sense of contribution.
Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give him/her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity. Let him/her know that he/she really counts.
A sense of making real choices and decisions.
Your child will feel empowered and in control of events when he/she is able to make or influence decisions that he/she considers important. These choices and decisions need to be appropriate for his/her age and abilities, and for the family's values.
A sense of self-discipline and self-control.
As your child is striving to achieve and gain more independence, he/she needs and wants to feel that he/she can make it on his/her own. Once you give him/her expectations, guidelines, and opportunities in which to test him/herself, he/she can reflect, reason, problem-solve and consider the consequences of the actions he/she may choose. This kind of self-awareness is critical for his/her future growth.
A sense of encouragement, support and reward.
Not only does your child need to achieve, but he/she also needs positive feedback and recognition - a real message that he/she is doing well, pleasing others and "making it." Encourage and praise him/her, not only for achieving a set goal but also for him/her efforts, and for even small increments of change and improvement. ("I like the way you waited for your turn," "Good try; you're working harder," "Good job!") Give him/her feedback as soon as possible to reinforce him/her self-esteem and to help him/her connect your comments to the activity involved.
A sense of accepting mistakes and failure.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, not defeated, when he/she makes mistakes or fails. Explain that these hurdles or setbacks are a normal part of living and learning, and that he/she can learn or benefit from them. Let your supportive, constructive feedback and your recognition of him/her effort overpower any sense of failure, guilt, or shame he/she might be feeling, giving him/her renewed motivation and hope. Again, make your feedback specific ("If you throw the ball like this, it might help") and not negative and personal ("You are so clumsy," "You'll never make it").
A sense of family self-esteem.
Your child's self-esteem initially develops within the family and thus is influenced greatly by the feelings and perceptions that a family has of itself. Some of the preceding comments apply to the family in building its self-esteem. Also, bear in mind that family pride is essential to self-esteem and can be nourished and maintained in many ways, including participation or involvement in community activities, tracing a family's heritage and ancestors, or caring for extended family members. Families fare better when members focus on each other's strengths, avoid excessive criticism and stick up for one another outside the family setting. Family members believe in and trust each other, respect their individual differences and show their affection for each other. They make time for being together, whether to share holidays, special events or just to have fun.
*Minor edits made in re-posting from the original article to be gender neutral
