• Quote of the Day
    "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived,
    and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."
    The Buddha, posted by David Baxter

braveheart

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I'm really struggling right now.

I've been hitting myself again. Repeatedly on my arm in today's therapy session. It hasn't made a bruise. Amazingly. I don't want a bruise. Maybe the arnica cream has helped. I don't want the rawness that comes with self harming.

But I feel desperate.

The pain. I can't communicate it in words very well yet.

It seems that I... struggle to relate to people. That I'm very defensive and hostile. That I withdraw. That I appear dismissive.

It's self protection. But its out-dated.

This hurts like hell.

There is noone to comfort me.

And I need love so much.

But I am unable to really love it would seem. Unable to include people. At work, mainly. I am desperate to be included, but unless I express interest in them they will be reluctant to include me.

It hurts. It really hurts.

I'm angry, yes.
I feel so powerless. Worthless. A reject.

I want to cry. I want to be held safe.
But there is noone to hold me and never will be.

It hurts too much.
 
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Re: help

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think wanting to be safe and be held are normal feelings and I'm sorry you have no one to hold you. I'm sorry you're hurting. Was therapy helpful today? It sounds like it was a rough session. :hug: :hug:
 

ladylore

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Re: help

And I need love so much.

But I am unable to really love it would seem. Unable to include people. At work, mainly. I am desperate to be included, but unless I express interest in them they will be reluctant to include me.

I know this place well myself, Braveheart. We all deserve love and we need people in our lives. Its hard to trust for those of us who have been hurt alot.

As for the SI, its good to know that you don't want the pain. I do understand feeling unable to express that pain any other way. :hug:

As a question I am sure you have already explored with your therapist - but I am wondering what harm reduction techniques you use in place of the need to SI?

Take gentle care of yourself

Ladylore
 

braveheart

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Thanks.

I'm safer now.

It's hard when many people hurt themselves far more than I do, and they all need help too. I could get lost and forgotten. Just because I have no bruise, doesn't mean my emotional pain and the conflicts inside aren't intense or valid or needing help.

I still hurt. But I've been calmer today. I saw my GP this morning for a checkin and told her all that's happened in the past week re the work review and everything. She helped me put it into perspective and said to give things time.

I've done some heavy duty gardening today, which has also helped. It's also helped to have the day off work - even though I only work 3 hours on a Friday, it makes a real difference. There's more space. And I didn't have to yet again feel confronted by my deficiencies in being given monotonous and lonely work.

I also found the article I've quoted from in my Blog. That helped me cry a little.
 

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