Charity
MVP
I'm hoping that I can put this all in a way that will make sense...
This whole therapy thing is new to me. I've only been going to see someone for a couple of months, after having chosen medication only for about ten years. I'm trying to figure out if the therapy is something that is overall a good choice for me or a bad one.
Before starting therapy, I just took my medications to help alleviate the worst of my problems functioning, and tried my best to live as normally as possible. Sometimes, months or years would pass without any drastic breakdowns. I could sometimes pretend to be perfectly normal, even managing to truly feel that way sometimes. There were always better times and worse times, but I just did my best to get through, being aware that feeling bad, well, feels bad. Sometimes it was beyond my control and I would find myself non-functional for a while, but I never focused on the reasons why, beyond a vague notion of having an illness that I couldn't help having.
Since I've started talking to this psychologist, it seems like everything has completely changed. It seems like I spend every moment of every day focused on how I'm feeling, whether it be okay, horrible, or in-between. I seem to be spending proportionately more of my time feeling terrible than before, on top of being more aware of it. Instead of being "me" with some issues to put up with, I seem to have developed an entirely new identity based solely around my illness. It's all I think about. I spend all my time going over every little thing in my mind, trying to figure out how things affect my state of mind, how I've been shaped by my experiences, how I look at things... None of it is pleasant to think about.
I guess what I'm wondering about is whether this is a case of things having to get worse before they get better, or if perhaps the whole idea of trying to work things out through therapy might just be a bad idea for me. Is it better in the long run for me to focus on the here and now, trying to make the most of each moment as it comes, or better to try getting to the deepest roots of how my mind works and completely reconstruct myself in a more functional way? Because I've never tried anything along these lines before, I don't know what's to be expected along the course of therapy. I also have no way of knowing if the person I'm currently seeing is a good match for me or not.
Is it just part of the process to feel as though I'm being destroyed in order to build something better? I can accept it if it turns out that it's necessary to go through all of this in order to finally reach a state of well-being. I know that some things worth having come at a high price. Or-- is this all a sign that what I'm doing is ultimately more harmful than helpful? I know I feel worse now than I did before... is it for a good purpose, or just unnecessary suffering?
I hope I've chosen my words well enough to precisely ask what I'm wanting to ask. I'd love to hear anything that any of you have learned on the subject through your own experiences, on either side of the therapeutic experience.
This whole therapy thing is new to me. I've only been going to see someone for a couple of months, after having chosen medication only for about ten years. I'm trying to figure out if the therapy is something that is overall a good choice for me or a bad one.
Before starting therapy, I just took my medications to help alleviate the worst of my problems functioning, and tried my best to live as normally as possible. Sometimes, months or years would pass without any drastic breakdowns. I could sometimes pretend to be perfectly normal, even managing to truly feel that way sometimes. There were always better times and worse times, but I just did my best to get through, being aware that feeling bad, well, feels bad. Sometimes it was beyond my control and I would find myself non-functional for a while, but I never focused on the reasons why, beyond a vague notion of having an illness that I couldn't help having.
Since I've started talking to this psychologist, it seems like everything has completely changed. It seems like I spend every moment of every day focused on how I'm feeling, whether it be okay, horrible, or in-between. I seem to be spending proportionately more of my time feeling terrible than before, on top of being more aware of it. Instead of being "me" with some issues to put up with, I seem to have developed an entirely new identity based solely around my illness. It's all I think about. I spend all my time going over every little thing in my mind, trying to figure out how things affect my state of mind, how I've been shaped by my experiences, how I look at things... None of it is pleasant to think about.
I guess what I'm wondering about is whether this is a case of things having to get worse before they get better, or if perhaps the whole idea of trying to work things out through therapy might just be a bad idea for me. Is it better in the long run for me to focus on the here and now, trying to make the most of each moment as it comes, or better to try getting to the deepest roots of how my mind works and completely reconstruct myself in a more functional way? Because I've never tried anything along these lines before, I don't know what's to be expected along the course of therapy. I also have no way of knowing if the person I'm currently seeing is a good match for me or not.
Is it just part of the process to feel as though I'm being destroyed in order to build something better? I can accept it if it turns out that it's necessary to go through all of this in order to finally reach a state of well-being. I know that some things worth having come at a high price. Or-- is this all a sign that what I'm doing is ultimately more harmful than helpful? I know I feel worse now than I did before... is it for a good purpose, or just unnecessary suffering?
I hope I've chosen my words well enough to precisely ask what I'm wanting to ask. I'd love to hear anything that any of you have learned on the subject through your own experiences, on either side of the therapeutic experience.
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