More threads by Suzette


I need to get this off my chest.

I also suffer from a PTSD due to a stay for 20 months in a mental hospital. It turned out to be too heavy for me but I was never able to get that across there.

A month before we all had to leave (the institution closed) I started to hold water in my body. Now I know my body prepared itself to survive for what would come after. I felt that when the institution closed, I had to keep walking in the air across the end of a high cliff.

Ever since that time I gained water in my body. I never felt safe anywhere, I even moved twice. Now I finally have a home where I feel relatively safe.

Over the years I gained about 40 litres of water, perhaps even more. My doctor did not believe me at first when I complained about it. He was not the first person who did not believe me, so I thought: another one, leave it.

Finally I got the acknowledgement from my homeopathic doctor who could see it also. That was a huge relief. He gave me homeopathic medication. That worked well but as I already had told him: it would be great if this medication works, but my body does not hold this for nothing. I had to stop the medication since I felt like I got a vacuum, I did not feel well at all. I was not surprised.

Even my relatives had a hard time believing it. Also not for the first time. It hurt me deeply since I could not prove it.

On top of it I had very much difficulties eating all those years (still have). I had to force myself to eat, otherwise I would not. I was almost nautious all the time.

At some point where I would feel safe (like going on a sports weekend with my volleyball team) and I felt the safety of others, I immediately lost water. At those times I knew I was right.

I cannot tell how much it has hurt me all those years not to get a grip on it, not to be believed, all the suggestions of "you should eat less" or "sports would do you good" bla bla bla.

I saw myself change from a well figured girl/woman into a fat woman. Carrying all the time the weight of all the water. I gained about almost 45 kilo's during those years. And all the time I had to do the household, shoppings etc. etc, keep eating properly as much as I could.

It was a literal waterfront against reality. I knew that.

Instead of understanding that it was my way of surviving, I was referred to as sort of lazy or a pretzel eating person.

I know that I have an emotional black out for about 10 years. And those years represent itself in the water in my body.

I don't really know why I want to write that down at this moment.

I just want to tell how deeply it has hurt me to survive this way and not get the acknowledgement I in fact, deserved. So much pain, so much frustration, loss of self assurance, loss of dignity somehow, being utterly ashamed. Utterly ashamed of something that I should be grateful for, or proud that I managed to survive this way.

I am fed up with it.

Thanx for listening.


I have good news! (for a change... ;)

I am losing water; apparently I have reached the turning point. After 10 years, I am soooo happy. It is/was all a cover of deep fears and somehow things go in a way that I have to face them. Now that is not easy, but the result is very very good!

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