I need to get this off my chest.
I also suffer from a PTSD due to a stay for 20 months in a mental hospital. It turned out to be too heavy for me but I was never able to get that across there.
A month before we all had to leave (the institution closed) I started to hold water in my body. Now I know my body prepared itself to survive for what would come after. I felt that when the institution closed, I had to keep walking in the air across the end of a high cliff.
Ever since that time I gained water in my body. I never felt safe anywhere, I even moved twice. Now I finally have a home where I feel relatively safe.
Over the years I gained about 40 litres of water, perhaps even more. My doctor did not believe me at first when I complained about it. He was not the first person who did not believe me, so I thought: another one, leave it.
Finally I got the acknowledgement from my homeopathic doctor who could see it also. That was a huge relief. He gave me homeopathic medication. That worked well but as I already had told him: it would be great if this medication works, but my body does not hold this for nothing. I had to stop the medication since I felt like I got a vacuum, I did not feel well at all. I was not surprised.
Even my relatives had a hard time believing it. Also not for the first time. It hurt me deeply since I could not prove it.
On top of it I had very much difficulties eating all those years (still have). I had to force myself to eat, otherwise I would not. I was almost nautious all the time.
At some point where I would feel safe (like going on a sports weekend with my volleyball team) and I felt the safety of others, I immediately lost water. At those times I knew I was right.
I cannot tell how much it has hurt me all those years not to get a grip on it, not to be believed, all the suggestions of "you should eat less" or "sports would do you good" bla bla bla.
I saw myself change from a well figured girl/woman into a fat woman. Carrying all the time the weight of all the water. I gained about almost 45 kilo's during those years. And all the time I had to do the household, shoppings etc. etc, keep eating properly as much as I could.
It was a literal waterfront against reality. I knew that.
Instead of understanding that it was my way of surviving, I was referred to as sort of lazy or a pretzel eating person.
I know that I have an emotional black out for about 10 years. And those years represent itself in the water in my body.
I don't really know why I want to write that down at this moment.
I just want to tell how deeply it has hurt me to survive this way and not get the acknowledgement I in fact, deserved. So much pain, so much frustration, loss of self assurance, loss of dignity somehow, being utterly ashamed. Utterly ashamed of something that I should be grateful for, or proud that I managed to survive this way.
I am fed up with it.
Thanx for listening.
I also suffer from a PTSD due to a stay for 20 months in a mental hospital. It turned out to be too heavy for me but I was never able to get that across there.
A month before we all had to leave (the institution closed) I started to hold water in my body. Now I know my body prepared itself to survive for what would come after. I felt that when the institution closed, I had to keep walking in the air across the end of a high cliff.
Ever since that time I gained water in my body. I never felt safe anywhere, I even moved twice. Now I finally have a home where I feel relatively safe.
Over the years I gained about 40 litres of water, perhaps even more. My doctor did not believe me at first when I complained about it. He was not the first person who did not believe me, so I thought: another one, leave it.
Finally I got the acknowledgement from my homeopathic doctor who could see it also. That was a huge relief. He gave me homeopathic medication. That worked well but as I already had told him: it would be great if this medication works, but my body does not hold this for nothing. I had to stop the medication since I felt like I got a vacuum, I did not feel well at all. I was not surprised.
Even my relatives had a hard time believing it. Also not for the first time. It hurt me deeply since I could not prove it.
On top of it I had very much difficulties eating all those years (still have). I had to force myself to eat, otherwise I would not. I was almost nautious all the time.
At some point where I would feel safe (like going on a sports weekend with my volleyball team) and I felt the safety of others, I immediately lost water. At those times I knew I was right.
I cannot tell how much it has hurt me all those years not to get a grip on it, not to be believed, all the suggestions of "you should eat less" or "sports would do you good" bla bla bla.
I saw myself change from a well figured girl/woman into a fat woman. Carrying all the time the weight of all the water. I gained about almost 45 kilo's during those years. And all the time I had to do the household, shoppings etc. etc, keep eating properly as much as I could.
It was a literal waterfront against reality. I knew that.
Instead of understanding that it was my way of surviving, I was referred to as sort of lazy or a pretzel eating person.
I know that I have an emotional black out for about 10 years. And those years represent itself in the water in my body.
I don't really know why I want to write that down at this moment.
I just want to tell how deeply it has hurt me to survive this way and not get the acknowledgement I in fact, deserved. So much pain, so much frustration, loss of self assurance, loss of dignity somehow, being utterly ashamed. Utterly ashamed of something that I should be grateful for, or proud that I managed to survive this way.
I am fed up with it.
Thanx for listening.
