How do I forgive my father?

[Budoaiki]

Where to begin? OK, here goes. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and a workaholic father who divorced when I was seven, I also have 2 sisters (one eleven years older and from a different father, whom was forced to adopt the role as my second mother and the second sister 2 years older than me) and 1 brother (three years older than me).

We have had a lot of ups and downs over the years, my father was never home when they where together from what I remember and what my siblings tell me they never really got along. He would visit us on holidays and things while they were divorced and until they tried to get back together for a while when I was at the age of 9, throughout their separation they would belittle each other to us.

My mother was physically and emotionally abusive (not sexually) towards us, (before and after the divorce and when she was angry sober or not) I have since dealt with this after I found myself adopting the behavior of venting on my siblings and being very had on myself as I witnessed my mother and father do so often, along with the emotional and physical absence of my father with therapy. According to my therapist, I was handling it surprisingly well I just needed to be more aware of the triggers which she explained were something of a conditioned response which was why I experienced it more in dealings with my siblings and my parents.

I sought out activities to help with my confidence (martial arts) and I took on the task of trying to get my mother to seek therapy after she had suffered a nervous breakdown and was subsequently diagnosed with paranoid delusional schizophrenia with manic depression and began to drink even more after she had things under control for a long time(I believe my father was trying to end things with her again and that was her trigger).

After this my father ended up moving us far away, my eldest sister had already moved out and my older brother stayed at home with my mother. My father forced my older brother into kicking my mother out of the house. He was always blaming his problems on her and he convinced his children that this would be best and that was when she had her first breakdown. It was after this that I first started to notice my anger problems (which was elevated to new heights by the actions of my father) when we moved home my father gave my brother the boot because my brother had turned to smoking weed and partying to deal with his stress.

My father was never home because of his work and he wouldn't talk things out with my brother, in the mean time my sister who was still living at home was doing the same as was I(partying and smoking weed to deal with the stress). I decided to take therapy for the anger I felt over the injustice of my father's treatment of my brother and my mother. Things where OK for a while. My brother got back on his feet and after some effort to get my relatives and my siblings to help me with it, my mother finally sought help. She is currently taking medication but has yet to take any cognitive therapy and she is doing very well.

After graduation I decided to take a year off to work and get my bearings before jumping into university or college and that summer I was in a car accident. i was not seriously injured enough to require a hospital stay but I did injure the muscles in my back and neck which required months of physio as it caused me a lot of pain and discomfort.

It was at this time that my father decided he was going to move me out of the house and into a bachelor without any choice in the matter and he took back the car he had given me as a replacement for the one I got for graduation which was written off in the accident that I was using to get to physio for the few weeks I was there after the acccident. (The other driver was at fault for hitting me as she was coming out of a parking lot into the road.)

Since then things haven't been very good for me. and my sister who helped my father find a apartment for me and move my stuff was seemingly rewarded with more school funding (from a bachelors to a masters degree), she is getting married this fall and is having the wedding at my father's house. I told her with regret that I won't be attending the wedding this fall unless we work things out because I am too ashamed of what happened and angry due to the fact that I don't even know why. I should also state that my father's reasons weren't financial as he is well paid and subsequently built another level on his home after moving me out.

It's been almost four years since my accident and my back has yet to heal properly and I am told it never will. I have sleep problems and was forced to walk to physio or take the bus when I could afford it on disability. Needless to say I want to be there for her but I haven't been able to forgive her or my father as they won't even discuss the matter with me. I sought therapy again and my therapist told me that I needed to either deal with them some how or if they are unwilling to get away from it for a while.

I write a lot as a hobby and as a means of self exploration and I have to admit i feel stuck. After coming off of disability I had a job and then lost it after a relapse with my back. I haven't been able practice martial arts since the accident because of transportation and my doctor advised me that I shouldn't until my back gets better. I was also really into fitness and health before my accident and now I am in the slow and arduous task of reconditioning my body once again.

My brother and my mother understand but my father and sister do not and my eldest sister does not understand either. I have explained to my father and sister that I don't understand why they would do such a thing and that after four years of trying to talk to them about it I don't want to talk to them until i either work things out with them or on my own. And my eldest sister who lost her own biological father when she was 2 and has been treated badly by him because he refused too treat her like his daughter so she is baffled by my behavior. None of my mother's relatives have been able to find anything out or get them to talk with me about it and the one's on my father's side are just as emotionally detached as he is.

I used to be so ashamed of my mother's illness but I see it for what it is now and I am no longer ashamed of her but I am ashamed of my father, my sister and my circumstances I am alone and too ashamed to find love or friendship for support and i find more doubt then hope these days. I thought that someone here might be able to give me some advise.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: How do I forgive My father?

hi Budoaiki i am sorry your life has been such a place of turmoil it must of been very hard for you growing up i too was raised in a disfunctional family and found it very lonely at times my father lets say wasn't one he took off when i was 4 how do you forgive someone i don't know but holding on to hate for a person doesn't really serve any purpose other you just have to move on and maybe not forgive but not hold on to the anger im sure others here with more experiance will be helping you out but just know your not alone anymore the people here do care take care of you okay best wishes mary

 

[Budoaiki]

Re: How do I forgive My father?

hi Budoaiki i am sorry your life has been such a place of turmoil it must of been very hard for you growing up i too was raised in a disfunctional family and found it very lonely at times my father lets say wasn't one he took off when i was 4 how do you forgive someone i don't know but holding on to hate for a person doesn't really serve any purpose other you just have to move on and maybe not forgive but not hold on to the anger im sure others here with more experiance will be helping you out but just know your not alone anymore the people here do care take care of you okay best wishes mary

Thank you Mary,
i do hate the things he's done and I am angry with him for that but I don't hate him, I only seek understanding. I have seen and experienced what hate can do to the mind and the soul and I think that I need to find a way forgive him so I can forgive myself and find hope again.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: How do I forgive My father?

i hope you do find that understanding and way to forgive if that is what you feel is needed for you to heal i hope you are able to find someone in the real world to talk with a therapist or just a good friend i am not a therapist but i know being able to share what your going through will help you keep things in perspective take care okay mary

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Budoaiki:

Forgiveness is never easy. However, it is necessary if you are to move on with your life. As children, it's natural to feel that our parents are infalliable and that they owe things to us. Yet, as we grow in understanding and wisdom, we come to a place where we realize that they are flawed individuals dealing with their own pasts and unmet needs. My parents had unmet needs when they met and married. And, then they suffered a major crisis, my father was in a serious auto accident. He recovered, but the marriage did not. My parents were never able to talk to each other or to my brother and I about their situation. And, as a result, years after their death, my brother and I are dealing with our own issues. Counseling has been a good place for me and others to dialogue and examine those hurtful places and gain strength to move on. Your journaling is a wonderful tool which enables you to get things out. You may wish to resume therapy if you are not already there. Please don't feel that you have to rush the forgiveness process. It will come, if you desire same, in its own time. The bottom-line is that you need to take care of yourself to the best of your ability. In time, maybe you will be able to allow others into your life. Again, therapy is a great way to learn to trust others.

Take care and know that you are not alone.

 

[Halo]

Great post Jesse....I really liked and related to it :goodpost:

 

[Budoaiki]

Thank you Jesse910,

I agree, it is common to assume your parents are infallible when you are young because it seems like they can do anything when we are so new to a world that they have already learned to live in. in time we begin to see they make mistakes like all of us they are only human and in that we find humility and the strength to forgive (as I did with my mother) and to ask for forgiveness (as I did with my brother for not having done more to help him). I have no expectations that my father will fulfill his promises because as you said he is carrying his own burdens and I think he uses that to justify his actions and avoid culpability.

I know that I can't change that or force him to explain his actions, I came here to find people who've experienced or witnessed similar situations and have found resolution that is why I placed the caution logo on the post. I mean no offense by this only to point out that it's important when dealing with matters of such a personal and sensitive nature not to assume too much and to pay close attention to the context and content of the statement before posting a reply.

The only thing I want from my father is an explanation and an apology maybe that's too much to expect from him, I don't now. I may be over analyzing (as I often do) and again I mean no offense, you dropped a couple of really good pearls of wisdom for me and others. You are right on the button, I am rushing to forgive because of my sisters wedding coming up, my own shame, my present circumstances and pressure from my family. I have since asked them to give me some space to allow me time to reflect on how to proceed which is how I found this site and I thank you for your advice and the comfort it gave me.

 

[Jazzey]

My brother and my mother understand but my father and sister do not and my eldest sister does not understand either. I have explained to my father and sister that I don't understand why they would do such a thing and that after four years of trying to talk to them about it I don't want to talk to them until i either work things out with them or on my own. And my eldest sister who lost her own biological father when she was 2 and has been treated badly by him because he refused too treat her like his daughter so she is baffled by my behavior. None of my mother's relatives have been able to find anything out or get them to talk with me about it and the one's on my father's side are just as emotionally detached as he is.

I've read your posts a few times Budoaiki. I haven't responded so far because I was unsure of how to provide guidance on this one. One thing that jumps out at me though is the possibility that you are hoping to understand in order to find resolution to the situation.

I have no expectations that my father will fulfill his promises because as you said he is carrying his own burdens and I think he uses that to justify his actions and avoid culpability.

I think this is key for you to be ok. Sometimes we just have to appreciate that we won't understand our family's actions. They are guided and motivated by their own experiences or set of beliefs. And that they don't necessarily share with us. Sometimes, they use it as a weapon to justify their hurts, on themselves and onto others.

I'm slowly learning to accept that I will probably never understand some actions on the part of some family members. And I'm finding resolution in accepting this tidbit, loving those members yet, I think part of the resolution for me has also been by setting strong boundaries for myself in the process. I have no more expectations per se, and while I recognize certain patterns, I try to stay out the patterns that I know will only end up hurting me.

Each family will have its own dynamic. But we also play a part in that dynamic. So maybe try and think, within your family, what patterns you're willing to take part of and stay away from those that will disappoint you or hurt you.

 

[Into The Light]

i'm not sure how forgiveness works, but i think i am about to do some work in that area. i suspect it will involve grieving and allowing yourself to feel the hurt he has caused you. because it's grief it will be difficult work, i think. i still don't know how to handle grief and just don't know what to do with it.

i also think you probably need to be patient with yourself and accept your feelings and experience them. and also maybe somehow come to some kind of understanding of why he did what he did, whatever form that takes.

 

[Budoaiki]

Thanks for that Jazzey,
It's hard to find ways to deal with the stress when they won't talk to me and it's a good reminder that at times like these it's healthy to set boundaries. That is something that also helps prevent me from reaching the saturation point with stress when anger can take hold and cloud the mind.

 

[Jazzey]

I've taken a lot of time getting to where I am right now Budoaiki. And I'm still not good at what I'm about to suggest to you.

When my family tries to manipulate me through guilt because I'm not the exemplary daughter/sister/whatever, I remember a few things: 1) I'm not trying to be perfect, 2) I recognize the manipulation and try and see what it is they want (usually the answer is glaring), 3) that whatever the issue is currently, it really is their issue and doesn't need to be mine if I don't want it to be and finally 4) I recognize that I will be perpetuating this particular dynamic if I fall prey to that particular manipulation.

Having said all that, I've decided that I still want to be a part of my family. So there will always be some concessions that I have to make, or some dynamics that I have to take part of. The distinction lies in what goal you're setting for yourself. There may be some family members that you do have to cut from your life....depending on the goals (aimed at protecting you).

Here's my goal - that my family knows that I love them. But, I also make sure that they appreciate that this does not entitle them to anything goes mentality. There are certain behaviours of theirs that I no longer accept. And I'm candid with them about these. I also no longer feel guilty when there are parts of my life that I am not willing to share with them. I can love them better that way - when I can love them knowing that I take care of me first.

I hope this makes sense .

It's hard to find ways to deal with the stress when they won't talk to me and it's a good reminder that at times like these it's healthy to set boundaries. That is something that also helps prevent me from reaching the saturation point with stress when anger can take hold and cloud the mind.

The fact that they're not talking to you: that's really about them. You can't force someone to talk to you and explain the behaviour. All you can do is keep the door ajar for them, tell them that you're willing to iron out the issues when and if they decide to talk. In the meantime, don't make it your issue because that's how we get hurt (anger, resentment, sadness). The boundary setting for you is all about saying to yourself that this is their issue, not yours. And yes, if you make it your issue, you will become saturated. For me at least, this results in my feeling poorly about myself...all the time. I can't afford that anymore. So that's my mantra "not my issue".

 

[Jesse910]

I'm slowly learning to accept that I will probably never understand some actions on the part of some family members. And I'm finding resolution in accepting this tidbit, loving those members yet, I think part of the resolution for me has also been by setting strong boundaries for myself in the process. I have no more expectations per se, and while I recognize certain patterns, I try to stay out the patterns that I know will only end up hurting me.

Thank you Jazzey for your response. I saw something afresh. While my parents were alive, there were answers I sought from them. Although some were answered, many were not. Accepting the fact that I haven't been able to understand their behavior forces me to rechannel my energies and focus on what I can accept and control -- my responses. Because in choosing to respond differently within my life, I find peace, acceptance, and the ability to move on to a place of wholeness. And maintaining boundaries with family members who remind me of the hurtfulness in the past enables me to be okay with my life. Thank you for helping me to process this.

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you Jesse. You've given me insight here too. I've been struggling with my own process at times because I know my parents won't always be here. But you're absolutely right.

The tug of war for me sometimes lies in not wanting to set such strong boundaries that my family members feel rejected in any way. This often leads to certain pitfalls. But I do know why those boundaries are there. And so in reminding me that it's my response that matters, you've provided me with insight too. Otherwise, I will fall prey to those hurts, well after they're gone.

Thanks Jesse.

 

[Budoaiki]

I am getting pressured by my family. I think that those certain family members who are a source for stress for me (because they refuse to discuss their actions) are pushing the other people in my family to pry into my feelings about them to an uncomfortable level. I know that they all care about me and mean no harm so I have told them that I am just not comfortable being asked when I will be able to forgive them (my father and sister).

I have told them that I don't know and that of course I want to forgive them but it will take time and without an open dialogue with them then I have no way of determining when. I really want to be able to go to my sisters wedding without those old hurts coming up and to not hold any resentment towards my father and sister but I would be lying if I said that I could with how i feel right now. It still hurts too much and I still feel too ashamed of their actions and the position i am in as a result. There will be people and relatives there that would be asking me how my life is going and what I have been up to lately. That makes me really uncomfortable because I don't want to lie and i don't want to go over events that I am still coming to terms with.

I think that when we go through a traumatic event that the people close to us sometimes get so concerned about how we are doing that they sometimes forget that just like the body the mind needs time to heal and process in order recover. And although it definitely helps to share your thoughts and feelings with others it's not constructive to push people to forgiveness or to force people to express feelings they don't fully understand. Therapy is the best venue to address those feelings because the advice comes from and unbiased and patient source who is well educated on dealing with these matters.

I have told my father and sister that I am always open for them to talk with me anytime they choose if they want to help things along. And I have offered to go to therapy together to sort things out if they are eager for things to progress but I have yet to get any response. It's been a long time since I offered this and still nothing from either of them. I am afraid that they will leave things as they are until the wedding and that they will continue to put pressure on me to simply forgive and forget. My father often works in another country and currently is, while my sister lives in another province. As i have already stated in my first post I gave them time (over two years) on the advice of my therapist to come to me in their own time and nothing happened they continued on as if nothing was wrong.

This is where i am and I am still getting pressured to go to the wedding despite my feelings, by the rest of my immediate family. And whenever either of them come home for a visit or when they are both home on a holiday they continue to expect me to forgive and forget. I think that the rest of my family might be afraid of the questions that would undoubtedly arise from friends and distant family about my absence at the wedding and that is probably one of the reasons why they continue to pressure me despite their knowledge of my feelings. It's pretty stressful to say the least and it's getting worse as my sister's wedding approaches this fall and even writing this out has helped me a lot as it always does but i am starting to feel cornered. I don't want to cut my family out of my life but every time I speak with them it always comes up.
What's a boy to do?

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry Budoaiki. I know it's stressful. And family members are probably pushing you because they're hoping to convince you that the problem lies with you. They may not even be doing this consciously.

I have told my father and sister that I am always open for them to talk with me anytime they choose if they want to help things along. And I have offered to go to therapy together to sort things out if they are eager for things to progress but I have yet to get any response. It's been a long time since I offered this and still nothing from either of them. I am afraid that they will leave things as they are until the wedding and that they will continue to put pressure on me to simply forgive and forget. My father often works in another country and currently is, while my sister lives in another province. As i have already stated in my first post I gave them time (over two years) on the advice of my therapist to come to me in their own time and nothing happened they continued on as if nothing was wrong.

This is great Budoaiki. You've done everything you can in my mind's eye. If they're not ready to discuss things, then there isn't much you can do. Other than what I suggested the other day which is to accept that you won't always get the explanations for people's behaviours and they won't always ask you for forgiveness.

Forgiveness at this point resides with you. And, it doesn't mean condoning their past hurts. It's about you're being able to move forward and accept that they are how they are but, all within those boundaries we've talked about. If you want to go to the wedding, can you forgive your sister and father (for your own reasons) before then? Also, nothing prevents you from attending the wedding on your own terms. For instance, attending the ceremony itself but without attending the reception.

Or, you can also decide that you're not attending the wedding at all. If this is your decision, that's ok too. Yes, other members of the family will pressure you to attend. So in your mind, know the reasons why you cannot attend the wedding. Also, I think this would make for a great discussion with your psychologist. He/she may help you make the decision as to whether or not to attend and how to handle the consequences of the decision.

 

[Budoaiki]

it is making for a very long discussion with my therapist but as of right now we are in agreement that with how I feel right now it's best not to go because the wedding and the reception are both taking place at my father's house over the weekend. And that house isn't a very comfortable place for me because it's where this all started which makes it a big trigger for stress. A big part of the reason they are pushing me is because they think i am using the wedding to try and resolve things and they are right, to an extant but that is not and has never been the reason behind my choice it's about wither it will do more harm than good.

 

[Jazzey]

Just remember that you're well-being comes first Budoaiki. If that means not attending the wedding, than this is the right decision for you.

And when members of your family try and push you because they don't understand your position, just remember "not my issue"... A strategy I've used in recent times is: 1) to say that I haven't decided yet but I'm still considering things; 2) filter my phone calls - caller ID is a wonderful thing; 3) when pushed on certain issues that I feel are wholly within my discretion, I will give one warning "I really don't want to discuss this right now", if they continue to push I remove myself from the situation (whether I physically leave or simply say goodbye and hang up). If you do this, and maintain your position, they'll eventually get that you're not messing around with this.

The hardest part will be not to beat yourself up about it afterwards. So, do something nice for yourself and remember keep a few mantras in your back pocket: "My self-preservation comes first" & still my fav "not my issue".

One more thing - "don't complain, don't explain". Often times, when we try and rationalize with people who we know aren't ready to hear us, we just worsen the situation. Remember you don't have to justify your feelings to anyone but yourself. By explaining too much or complaining too much, you're opening yourself up for more pressures from all of them...

:hug: :hug:

 

[white page]

Hi Budoaiki,

I agree with Jazzey , it is your wellbeing and serenity which are of prime importance , you don't have to go . weddings are difficult occaisions at the best of times . send a gift with a card saying that you won't be attending .
and really do ,do something nice for yourself .

best wishes wp