How do I stop flinching?

[ThumperLoomis]

I was abused for 24 years of abuse, which started when I was 2 years old. I'm finally living my life without being hurt by another person. The problem is, I still flinch if someone simply tries to get a piece of my hair out of my face, or if they go to touch my face I really freak out. I haven't been abused for 22 years now. But, I still flinch, duck, and freak out sometimes when someone get's too close to me, especially, if they get near my face. It tore my husband to pieces. (may he rest in peace) When he would try to touch my face, or if he tried to kiss me without telling me first, I flinched or had a panic attack. What hurt him so much, is that he thought I believed he would hurt me. I couldn't stop myself from flinching or panicking, no matter how hard I tried, and I knew that he would never hurt me. There was never a doubt in my mind. Anybody have any ideas on how to stop the panic attacks and the flinching?

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

First two things that come to mind are therapy or meditation or some combination thereof.

I've got anxiety issues, and I find that I have to do relaxation breathing and repeat things to myself in a state of relaxation or visualize things to make some things sink in. I have some kind of weird disconnect, or trouble communicating from the logical side of my brain to my emotional side. So it seems I have to do some real convincing and this is the only thing I have found that really works. Although I suppose it helps that I also have anti-anxiety meds prescribed my my physician.

Only I recommended those things is because I tried them, and they worked/are working for me. 8) Hope that gives you some ideas...

 

[forgetmenot]

Hyper vigilance it is called i do that too With a good therapist you will be able to lesson the times you react this way hun find a therapist that deals with trauma and abuse ok

 

[GDPR]

My T said the flinching may never go away. It's such an automatic reflex/reaction,it's not something that can be easily changed.

 

[Jesse910]

I suffer from hyper vigilance as well mostly with women and occasionally with men. Some times when I notice someone about to reach out at me, I tell them that I prefer not to be touched/hugged, but I can shake hands if that's warranted in specific situations. At times, I freak out to and I can't always recover as quickly as I would like. From one survivor to another, we are doing the best we can. Take care.

 

[ThumperLoomis]

I've tried therapy several times as well as medications, but, nothing seems to work. I'm worried that the flinching and panic attacks will never go away. My husband literally broke down in tears several times, because he thought I was scared of him, but, I've never met a soul, more gentle than his. My abuse started at the age of two and ended at the age of 26, so it's pretty hard-wired in my head. Everyone tells me that sub-conscious fears will eventually go away, but, I don't see an end to it. Also, when my husband was still alive, I literally physically hurt him because of my nightmares. He would try to wake me up when he heard me crying in my sleep and said that I would knee him between the legs and a couple of times I woke up to him screaming at the top of his lungs because I grabbed his testicles in my sleep and literally crushed them during a nightmare. He worked very hard with me to work on the flinching thing by having me sit next to him while he would 'pet' the side of my face for 15-30 minutes at a time. This did lessen it a little, but never went completely away. Now that he's dead, It's the same as it was when we first married and the nightmares are worse. I'm scared to date anyone and I'm scared of actually meeting someone that could get serious. I don't want to hurt that person like I did my husband. I'm darn near 43yrs old and here I am still afraid of the boogie man.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

You know what, you don't have to feel ashamed. You are still reacting to a nightmare (which was real) that happened to you when you were very young. You don't have to feel bad. It's not like you haven't worked on it and deny you have an issue.

Someday if you are finished (for the most part) grieving the loss of that very lovely husband of yours, or feel you can move on a bit more, perhaps you can just tell someone that you were hurt when you were very young and because of this you need them to respect your space, and not to make sudden movements near your face (or how much or how little detail you feel you want to divulge). If this person doesn't respect this boundary you have made (it's a healthy one) or show you any compassion, then that is a red flag that this person is not going to get a second date with you. Tough bananas on him. He's probably just a douche anyway.

Have you thought about going to a therapist to help deal with your anxieties and nightmares since your husband's passing?

I'm in my 40's and certain things spook me, too. I was molested for several years when I was younger, so I still have some anxieties about certain situations, too.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Key thing is, this isn't something you do to harm or hurt people's feelings with, this is just something that you still have a fearful reaction to. It isn't something you purposefully do. Try to be more forgiving of yourself, and try not to feel so bad for the other person...

 

[ThumperLoomis]

I've gotten to the point where I know it's not my fault, when it come's to the way I react when I have nightmares, but, it's hard not to to feel awful about causing someone physical pain over it. I've actually come a very long way in my recovery. I no longer blame myself for the abuse and I no longer connect myself to those who are abusive. I won't tolerate it anymore. Now, it's a matter of dealing with the post traumatic stress disorder part of it. I lived through it, I've dealt with quite a bit of it and I'll make it through this. If I could not hurt someone in my sleep, I'd happily put up with the flinching I think.
Thank you everyone, for your input!!

 

[W00BY]

I don't know if it ever actually totally goes away. I don't know what triggers my flinching but I tend to only do it with my boyfriend who I know would never harm me.

I do wonder if it is due to being in a more relaxed state and feeling safe that there is still a part of my brain looking for danger and that is why I do it. I can see the hurt in my boyfriend's face when I do it but he understands why and tries to support me. I also tend to sometimes apologize over and over (begging forgiveness) in my sleep should I move or turn and it is not the first time he has woken me up concerned as I am trying to protect myself from something in my sleep.

I was never aware of this till I met him because I kept away from relationships for a very long time after I got away from all that were abusing me.

I think when you flinch or have these other unprompted responses that you know come from abuse they do stir things sensations, thoughts, emotions and memories there would be something wrong if they didn't but all I can say about flinching is I just accept it for what it is.

I may not like it... I may even look like a looney sometimes but I have now found somewhere to share these thoughts with others like yourself going through similar after effects and have found a strange comfort knowing it's not just me feeling how I do.

I find exercise helps with a lot of the negative physical and emotional effects of the abuse I suffered, I swim, walk do yoga and try not to fear those moments where I am alone with my thoughts. I find total physical exhaustion leaves me unable to flinch or have flash backs and helps me too sleep. I hope it helps just knowing your not alone and that recovery is a life long process in which one day you may shed your flinching all together!

Here's hoping!

 

[Darkside]

Some people "flinch" physically and others (like me) flinch psychologically. Some people do both and they happen at an unconscious level which means we don't have conscious control over it. That does not mean we can't gain some control over it with work. For me, I am less likely to "flinch" if I can find the place inside where I can feel my body - when I am in touch with my emotional state. If I am trying to please (and be a "good" boy) so I won't be abused (a coping mechanism I learned as a child) I am not feeling and I am much more likely to flinch.

That is how it works for me anyway.