More threads by Eunoia


uhm, okay I feel really stupid posting this, but I'm at a total loss as to what to do.... I posted b/f about this guy who was interested and I didn't know if I was, well we didn't talk for a while b/c I said I was busy (well, I was) and so it was nice to talk to him for a bit again. I was being my usual self b/c I thought I had made it clear that I wasn't interested... but at the end, he ended up asking me out again. I don't know how to tell him that he's a nice guy as a friend but I also don't want to hurt his feelings, or assume things but it's pretty obvious.... sigh. Ok, so this is the 1st problem. Then I got this email from this guy asking me to go for coffee, which wouldn't seem like a big deal except that he was my prof for one of my classes. I'm at a total loss of words. I knew we clicked in some way, but from my point of view, it was never even a question that it was anything more than just getting along... ugh. This is frustrating. The marks are all in so I guess it's not like it's not ethical.... or isn't it? What is that rule again? I totally can't think right now... the point is I would have no problem being friends b/c he is a nice guy (and young in case you're picturing this old guy, lol) but not my type at all. But I know if I say yes to coffee, the same thing will happen like w/ the 1st guy... HOW do I tell these guys that I'm interested as FRIENDS but nothing more?!? It seems so easy but it's not at all. The 1st one knows I don't have a b/f and I can't just tell the 2nd one, yes I'll go w/ you as a friend. that seems weird. why do I always get myself into these situations, guys jump to conclusions way too soon!!!!!!!!!! help!!!

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I suspect it will be easier for you to simply say "thanks, but I really have a lot going on in my life right now" - if that gets the return "how about another time?", a noncomittal "sure, perhaps" or "maybe..." or something that doesn't pretend enthusiasm.
I understand what you're saying here. Some people simply don't pick up on those *hints" that we drop, no matter how obvious.

The best approach in this situation is a direct one. Just say, truthfully and honestly, that you're not interested in anything beyond friendship. Many men complain about women who "lead them on" into believing that something more could happen, when we should have just been honest from the start.

It might seem rude to be so straight-forward, but believe me, if a guy is interested in more than friendship (sex/ romantic relationship), he'll back off quickly. Then at least, he can never say that you led him on.


I agree that is a awkward situation. I know my problem is not wanting to jump to the conclusion that the person wants to be more than friends simply because they are male. It seems kind of conceded to just assume that, even if it turns out to be often true. It seems like you have to make an assumption one way or the other at first. I think it is more modest to assume that the people want to be friends until they let you know otherwise.

So far the most diplomatic way to handle similar situations that have the potential to be awkard like going out to coffee not knowing what the other persons intentions are is to bring a third person. I usually just ask the person it they care if my friend comes along (and pick someone they know if possible).

It's kind of ironic that you just posted this because I have one of these "coffee things" happening tomorrow morning..and I'm bringing my friend!


I may be wrong, but I think all this is a bit unfair to the men involved. Both like your company and both would like to spend some time with you. That, I think, is complimentary to you as a person. That does not mean they’re both seeking a romantic relationship. I am a woman but am getting mixed messages when reading this.

1. You say you just want to be friends with these gentlemen. Some of the best relationships are those that began as friendships.

2. You say you’re afraid(?) or are shy(?) to tell both that you only seek friendship. Why? Is it because you know that friendships lead to more, or that you like the attention you’re getting now and don’t wish to loose it?

3. Is it not possible that both gentlemen want nothing but friendship also? Maybe they like talking to you (my impression is that you are wonderful to talk to). Perhaps they like your ideas or want to bounce their ideas off of you. Or maybe they just like a company of a beautiful wonderful young woman.

Having a coffee with them doesn’t mean you’re betrothed or consenting to a long term romantic relationship. Just have fun and try not to overanalyze their intentions. If you are confronted with “will you be mine”, smile and answer honestly, “friend? Yes…anything else? No, I have too much going on in my life.” They’re big boys and will respect and appreciate your honesty.


maybe I wasn't too clear with each of these situations, but I didn't just jump to conclusions without anything to back them up with. pretty much with one of the guys I know he wants to be more than friends and with the other guy I just didn't know how to approach the situation b/c I didn't want to find myself in the same situation as w/ the 1st guy. it comes down to me setting better boundaries and being more clear in terms of what those are. this doesn't mean I intentionally lead people on, it's not a matter of me being shy, I just generally tend to go along with things and try to be nice, which in the end can be more damaging than being clear. but then in a way you have to take a leap of faith b/c you can't just come out and say w/ every person "okay, we're just friends" even if that's true. you have to make some kind of assumption, but in no way was I trying to be stereoptypical or unfair to them or men in general. I am more than open to just being friends but sometimes you also have to trust your instincts and know when that's not going to work...
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