How To Express My Anger

[CrystalDreamer59]

It seems that I've been holding in my feelings of hurt and anger. So far it seems to have worked, but I just don't know how much longer I can keep my emotions in. I feel as though I have to get them out somehow, but in a way that I don't end up in trouble. Trying to speak my mind seems to work some, but I'm still afraid to speak my mind and some people just don't listen to me making me feel even more hurt and angry. What else is there for me to do to express my anger.

 

[Banned]

Your therapist can help you role play situations and practice expressing those feelings in an appropriate manner. I'd suggest speaking with your therapist and asking for help with this. Role plaing is an excellent way to develop these skills.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

okay do you think there is a way we could role play where it doesn't upset me too much, but we can still role play where it helps me. I hope you understand what I mean.

 

[Banned]

Yes. Your therapist has the training to help with that but you also have a responsibility to communicate if you are starting to get upset and want to slow down or stop.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

okay I'll remember to let my therapist know if it gets to be too much. Could you give me some tips on gradually exposing myself to the things that upset me.

 

[W00BY]

Those exposures don't have to be physical things as such...

It could be when you are angry with yourself even rather than others

A lot of the anger I had and still have to a certain extent was always directed at myself it only became directed elsewhere once I was bursting at the seams with the stress of keeping it all inside and that is where the inappropriate part of the situation becomes real... once you lash out outside of your head.

I had particular problems with not being able to say no to others which left me absolutely fizzing with myself afterwards for days sometimes yet I would still rather put myself through that than say a simple "no".

To successfully work out a trigger and prioritize working on it you need to break it down into it's elements because you will find that when you have reached the stage of a tantrum the reason for it has been lost days back at least.

I thought long and hard about my most annoyed moments with myself and then simply took those into my therapy sessions, it takes a lot of self honesty, a bit of analysis and a lot of thought, which again is exhaustive for me as I simply do not think of myself (or my needs) in any given situation where I end up angry at myself until it's too late.

So the final thing is practice repeated.. again exhaustive but worth it.

Role play works for some I found it left me thinking deeper than I could handle and didn't use it but there are so many ways to work on this with your therapist you will find the key to this with a little hard work!

---------- Post Merged at 06:04 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:43 PM ----------

The key is to identify those triggers and work out ways round them

The only way I can put it is like your in a tunnel and you see something a long way off rather than right beside you...

That is what anger management is basically you are identifying and working on the anger before it's getting as near as it generally gets, stopping it further back in the tunnel so to speak.

I actually have naturally through my therapy started like a sticky note thing within my own head whereby I know when something is headed in a way that will chew me up and I intervene sooner in the situation than I would usually.

Now instead of watching a slow motion car crash moment happen to me emotionally I step out of the road by any means possible because I have realized through therapy that I am hating myself for things that are not my fault in the first place and hating the fact that my default is to hate myself (then project this onto others)... it was such a vicious circle and anger is the natural conclusion.

Everyone's internal triggers are different I could not even guess why another person was exhibiting anger but I do know with myself that once I started dissecting my feelings towards myself that feeling towards others became more balanced and it also gave me the strength to clear out what will never change and always drag me down.

On a final note I still get angry but it is more balanced and if I do falter I don't beat myself up as before, I learn from it and try to refocus.

I still have trouble speaking about what is upsetting me but when I do manage it, it certainly helps the situation especially with those closest to me.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I think my problem is that like you I am angry with myself for getting angry in the past and am scared I might end up doing something I'll regret again. I'll keep trying to speak my mind. It just bothers me that not everyone seems to be listening. I seem to want everyone to listen to me and do as I say, but I guess that's asking for too much. I guess I should somehow learn to accept that only some people will listen to me and they won't always do what I want them to.

 

[W00BY]

I can understand that completely.

I think obviously because you understand your inner workings best (your inner emotional state) that it is a worry what happens when you tap into what is essentially a problem, and like you, I did feel a great deal of apprehension about delving into these areas.

Had I not had therapy I would have did something stupid to myself or someone else, of that I have no doubt so therefore the next thought in therapy was how will I react to letting this all out...

But... as I stated earlier when you start to pull it all apart the understanding of yourself you glean from this self examination seems to order things your not even aware of until it happens or someone else points it out to you.

I also suspect this sensation of control you have will diminish as you work though your anger. The control element is you trying to keep yourself on an even keel and not tip so therefore you need everyone to be doing what you need and how you want in order to keep afloat so to speak..

Again as I worked through this in therapy this urge within myself seemed to naturally evaporate and eventually they become signs of when things are not quite right because from time to time they do return and you think "wassup"?

I still need to control certain things but I can now walk away when I know it's me just doing a "me" and again the emotional baggage that produced is nowhere near as severe.

If I am brutally honest the worry of how I would react stopped me from seeking help for many years and it was without a doubt my main worry about the therapy process.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

A lot of people even my therapist have mentioned to just walk away from my triggers and avoid them as much as possible. The problem is part of me wants to be able to accept my emotional triggers and not let them get to me since I can't get everyone to stop doing things that upset me. But at the same time I want to make the world a more positive place and I feel as though if people would just listen to me the world would be better, but maybe I'm wrong about that.

 

[W00BY]

I think part of the therapy process and certainly for me it was is that, you can only be accountable for yourself and only your actions will be accepted if people want to accept them.

I used to try and fix my whole family which left me exhausted confused and immensely depressed not understanding that the self accountability I ended up with through therapy only they could gift themselves as I was trying to do.

Again it was part of the therapy process for me to understand I could only directly affect myself and what I did, nothing else involves only me it involves other people and their sense of reasoning and view point.

And that no matter how hard you try will not turn out exactly how you want it...

That's the saddest part of any survivor of abuse for me is that we are left with wishes and desires that are not ours they have been deemed important in our lives because others had no interest in what our needs were only their own and us being used to make that happen!

Looking through the last few posts you can get an idea of just how complex an issue it is you are trying to grapple with it takes time and I personally feel it is a life long journey to reorganize ourselves in order to live a happier more fulfilled and less negatively minded existence.

Avoiding triggers works like I've said before, to a certain extent but as time goes on you should be able to employ other skills gained through therapy and personal insight so that avoidance becomes less needed.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

Right now it is hard for me to accept that I should only focus on myself because for some odd reason I'm so outwardly focused and feel as though the world is my responsibility. It's as if I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders as the saying goes. What are some tools you have worked on to learn to accept that the only one you can control is yourself and not other people.

 

[Retired]

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders

Re-orientation of thinking time, Crystal. By adopting a mindset such as:

I'm so outwardly focused and feel as though the world is my responsibility

Sets you up for failure, disappointment, frustration, and, did I mention failure?

It is not realistic to think you can affect the world.....very few people in history have succeeded. and many have done it through tyranny and cruelty.

A more realistic approach is to focus on your own needs, your own ability to function in society and to learn the necessary skills to live a happy, productive and satisfying life.

Keep your goals and expectations within attainable limits, and learn what your limits are.

I would like to be the strongest man in the world, but after carrying three sheets of plywood this afternoon, I quickly realized my hope of being an Olympic weight lifting champion is not very likely.

Do you see why it's so important to set goals that are attainable?

 

[W00BY]

Well when I have met with failure that I feel was someone else's fault I have discussed it (at length sometimes) with my therapist and eventually realized that like Steve has just pointed out... I set myself up to fail.

An example would be my mother never treating me like her daughter and my constant desperation to please her.
I would be kicked in the teeth every time yet still went back...If you break this down... I knew what my mum was... she was acting as she always had all her life yet I felt through these actions I would change this situation to what I desperately wanted.

With therapy I recognized I would never change this, my mum was doing what she does, it was me trying to make it something else, hard as it was to swallow, upon acceptance of this truth it freed much of my emotional resources to then build on these discoveries and was actually quite an empowering sensation when you realize you can control your own thoughts and feelings.

I got to the stage of forgetting about blaming anyone for anything and just working on making my life closer to what I would like it to be within the realistic and "attainable" position I was in.

By working on it through honest debate with your therapist and internal self honesty you slowly begin to work out that the only control you have is over your own self and that includes anger, compulsion, impulses, thought processes you NEED to look at your feeling actions thoughts (the FAT triangle) all processes in your mind push and pull to make your mind what it is.

Reading Carl Rogers helped me massively in my battle to see myself clearly and without the prejudice many had put on me through the years in particular "becoming a person" was a turning point for me... I actually find Roger's writing therapeutic in its self to read.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

So since changing the world is an unlikely goal what would be a more attainable goal that I can be happy with. You mentioned controlling myself. The problem is I don't know how to fully control myself and I don't know what things in life actually make me happy and I'm not entirely sure what kind of person I want to be.

 

[W00BY]

Well I think that is all great fodder to take to your therapist and work on you have the basic outline of a list to work with there.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

so what should we work on first.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's something that you and your therapist should be deciding together.

 

[Retired]

so what should we work on first.

Exactly the question you need to ask your therapist, in order to work out a plan for what issues are to be addressed. Once you have a plan, then you should discuss a possible time line to give you an idea of when you can hope to achieve your goals.

The exercise of discussing goals, timelines and goal attainment might be a good exercise for using in setting your own personal and career goals, with which your therapist may be able to help you.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

Okay I see my therapist tomorrow. I'll ask about setting goals. Hopefully setting goals will work.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I talked to my therapist and they said that I need to focus on the things I enjoy instead of worrying about recognition and changing the world at the moment. I just can't seem to do it. I'm just too focused on the world for some reason. I'm trying to change my focus to starting my own fashion business, but it doesn't seem to be working that much. It seems like a great idea and all but I'm not sure how successful my business would be and how much of a difference it will make.