How to raise sons despite inept father

[exhausted]

Dr. Baxter..... Okay, I see that you are well versed in studying the family unit, as I am also interested in the preservation of family.

You have also seen my posts where I have deep concern for my boys as their father is inept at being a good parent.

I need to find a way to teach my children well despite of his influence. Charlie does not drink, do drugs, or much of ANYTHING. We live in Nevada so there are some gambling issues however.

HE does work. So my boys (5 & 8) see there father go to work every day (good), they don't see him behaving under the influence of anything (good). BUT what they do see is a man who has disrespect for their mother (this will teach them the same habits towards women). They see a man who has to think up a lie not to go to work on occasion when the truth is sufficient... why make up some big story... so the children learn that in the future, if it suits their purpose they can lie and make up stories to others when it suits their needs.

They see that their Dad refuses to do anything as a part of the family, refuses to even take out trash, help Mom try to fix her car, clean the yard, fix a broken sink.... not too bad yet really you think.

But they see their Dad, curse all day, they see him angry all the time, they see him be critical of everything around him. They see him mean to his wife, their mother, all the time. They see him talk about women as property and trash.

They beg their father to play with them, or take them to the park... he refuses as he just lays in bed all weekend long in his boxers watching movies in appropriate for children. He refuses to spend any time with them at all. He won't even take them to the auto parts store (if he wants to fix his car, not the family car).

It is Mom who takes them fishing, it is Mom who takes them to the park, IT IS MOM WHO IS THEIR BASEBALL COACH.

They see their father threaten their mom that if she leaves him he will 'hunt her down like the dog she is'.

He doesn't physically abuse his boys but takes pride in provoking them to anger (clearly against the Bible 'don't provoke your children to anger'). He enjoys working them up and getting them mad and upset, because it is fun and funny.

He does WWF wrestling with his boys... is this good? I guess boys and men play like this, but now my 8 year old gets so angery and can't let his dad win and beats on his Dad and gets all worked up to where he can't calm his own anger down.

When Dad tried to wrestle with Mom (me, who is not into WWF) and the boys hear her cry 'stop, leave me alone' the little boys come running to save their mommy who they really love from the Daddy that is being mean to their mommy.

There are no family vacations or get aways. Daddy is not into that, he would rather stay in his room. IF they do go on vacation the only place Daddy will go as a family is to his Dad's house. Papa Chuck's house is full of the same, critism, mental cruelty, sinacism (sp), negative atmosphere, the insults by his family to their Mom.

The fights on payday for me to get the money for bills lasts two hours before I am given the bill money and two hours after I pay bills because Charlie didn't get to gamble enough.... meanwhile I have just struggled to buy enough food to get us through half of the week.

Charlie has shown he will take the last $5 left for milk and gamble it.

Charlie tells his kids things like, I am leaving your mother, so I won't be here when you get home, but I love you. I know that he always talks about leaving but never does. So I tell Charlie, don't talk to the kids about such things, if it happens I will speak with them properly.

He doesn't care what he says to and around the boys are impressive on them. Everything he does and says are examples to them and they are getting all the bad things.

I try to teach them honesty, kindness, and to respect others, but their Daddy teaches them everything else. I am responsible for raising these children into adulthood with good common sense and character, their father is combating me.

Oh, I have gone on too long... any tips on how I can do my job despite the negative effects their father is going to have and has on them???

SQ
When my 8 year old leaves to go to school each day (his Dad gives him a ride, the only steady thing he does) I always make a special point of saying to him,
"I love you, have a good day, and be positive today" knowing that on the way to school his dad is sure to say something to ruin his day with out even knowing it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think you know the basic answer to your question from replies to your other threads: If your husband's behavior is as you describe here, you need to get yourself and your sons away from him. For you not to do so is by implication to convey the message to your sons that the behavior is acceptable or at least tolerable to you (and therefore should be to them).

 

[ThatLady]

I agree with Dr. Baxter, hon. There is no way you're going to be able to realize your dreams (for yourself or your boys) as long as the man to whom you're married continues to dominate your lives. You really need to get away from him and stay away from him, for all your sakes.

 

[exhausted]

I thank both of you for taking the time to read this post and understand my feelings on the issue, and more importantly to understand my concerns as real. Looking back, some might think, at least they have a father around... many fathers (especially young ones) don't stick around. I thought that for a long time.
On the lighter side Charlie does love his boys but does not know how to express it or be a father himself. He has no skills in fatherhood, obviously taught by his own father, and in turn kind of thinks of his boys as other males in the house competing for my attention... in contrast to youngsters who seek his love and guidence, NOT competition.
Sadly, the boys do love him, the few times I left Charlie, they cried a horribly gut wrenching cry... one reason I found myself back with him.
However, it has to be my job to do what is best for the boys and remove the negative influence that may impact the rest of their lives in such a profound way.
It will take some planning and saving money.
My plan is to save some money, move to an area where my legal education could be profitable, and find a little house in the country where the children can grow up normally and recover from the bad influence and concepts their father has put in their little brains.

I have the inner strength, I need to start proceeding with my plan and finish my studies... but time is short as children have already picked up many of their ideas that they will hold in the future and the quicker I get them to a more rational life, the better chance they have to restore a more balanced view of responcibility, character, and promise.

Thanks again,
SusieQ

P.s. I find that just posting my thoughts is its own therapy.

 

[free]

have he ever had therapy or have you guys ever had therapy together?

 

[Aladdin]

TOget away from him is not the answer cause he still will see the chidren and the best is he can then teell just what he want and will not be there to help.Im divorce and had the same troubles but after a lot fighting i got the mother to go for counsling it started to ged better now,she never thought how her actions influens the children now that she relise this she is doing better now.So let your husbund see what he isbussy doing to his children and it will influens them how they will treed their wifes and parens one day.TRAY TO GET COUNSLING FOR HIM AND YOU,you can still sepperate if you want to but it will not solve the problem it can make it worse first get professial help and think then later to leave him.It will not be easy to get him to go for counsling but do tray.
all the best to you.

 

[MollyK]

Hi Exhausted

Just wanted to reassure you here. I have a son and two daughters and his father is/was an alcoholic. We are no longer together. Your influence is all the more important in this but you can raise healthy sons.

My son is currently in his third year at university. He is an all round athlete, doesnt drink or very rarely. He does have contact with his father (who left our home when he was 16) but kind of accepts him for what he is - warts and all! He knows his dad has issues and problems and he would of course rather he didnt drink. It probably does worry him, but he has managed to become an all round secure adult himself, interested in many things and looking forward to the future. I too have had issues and difficulties, but have managed, I believe to keep these away from my children. Because of my own background, I wanted to work especially hard at ensuring my own children were secure and happy. I have a very good relationship with my son. We are quite close and I have always tried to make him understand that his dads problems and drinking are nothing to do with him, that he has problems probably relating to his own childhood. I think all of my kids kind of "parent" their dad in many ways.

A telling part of this I think is my son is now in a steady relationship and behaves to his girlfriend in a reciprocal, supportive and affectionate way - something his father was never able to do.

One trustworthy and loving parent at least is needed! preferably of course two! but quite possible to raise healthy children with one