I am frustrated and mad

[suewatters1]

My boyfriend offered to put brakes on my car. I know the one side it needs it but he bought brake pads for both side and rotors for both sides. He paid for them because he wanted to.

Well he knew I had to go to Ottawa tomorrow morning and that He would have them installed by then. Well it's Monday night and still I don't have my brakes fixed. He said today after school he would call me. I reminded him I was going to phsyio still. Well after phsyio I went to his place and his car was there but he didn't answer the door which means he is sleeping. He has major back issues so after a day at school he gets real tired.

But he procrastinate so much that he could have done then on Saturday. It was warmer and it wouldn't have bothered his back so much. But friends came over to help him move furniture and he was cleaning stuff moving other stuff till midnight. Couldn't he have found 1 hour for me? That what he says it ill take. He has a heart of Gold but he is a big procrastinator and I am totally upset and he knows I was worried about getting my brakes done by tomorrow morning. The drive tomorrow is about 95 minutes away from where I live I need good brakes.

Why does he have to put me through this?

I told him yesterday he has ADD so bad. Be he doesn't think he does because his DR says he doesn't. Well his DR doesn't see him or talking to him everyday.

I am getting a bad headache worrying about this. I am so mad and upset.

Sue

 

[Retired]

Sue,

As you know not all people have the same priority schedules in their lives. Perhaps he became distracted when his friends visited, and felt he would get to your brake job later.

It may be a good time for you and him to have a conversation about how you feel.

Does this man see your relationship at this time in the same way you do? Has he been in a committed relationship before or has he been living alone?

You may want to first determine if his commitment to your relationship is at the same level as yours. Depending on his response, you may just need a bit of fine tuning, in the way of a conversation, so that each of you understands the expectations of the other.

You could tell him about how you feel about him, and how it made you feel when he was unable to follow through on his intention to help you with the brakes, when you thought he would.

He may just need to know what you expect, and if he cannot meet that expectation, that you would like it if he communicated that to you.

It sounds like you may need to open the lines of communication a little more.

 

[suewatters1]

Yes Steve we need to communicate better. He was the one offering to put brakes on my car.

I guess that shows me that I am not on his list of priorities. But I still have to go out of town tomorrow. I know he might end up doing them first thing in the morning before he goes to school but why offer to do a job if your not going to do it. He is doing major renovations in his house so he can finish building his office for his business.

But your right I am not on his list of priorities and it shows. He has been there for me many times but this really upsets me.

He was the one telling me a few weeks ago the sound I heard was my brakes I need replacing and he said you can't go to Ottawa without brakes. Then wanted to buy them and didn't want me to pay for them as I am off work and I have no money coming in.

Sue

 

[Retired]

I guess that shows me that I am not on his list of priorities

Do you really know that for sure?

I am thinking he does not realize how his procrastination makes you feel.

There's a big difference. He seems to care for you based on your comments, but he may not be tuned in to your feelings and your reactions.

That's why I suggest you have a conversation to explain to him how his behaviour makes you feel.

Bottom line: You cannot change his behaviour, only he can do that; but if he understands how his behaviour makes you feel, that may be the motivation he needs to change his behaviour.

Then you will really know what his priorities are. Until you have that conversation, and see if he modifies his behaviour, you are only speculating.

 

[suewatters1]

Yes Steve I will have a conversation with him. I have no choice.
But to tell me brakes on my care is must if I am going to Ottawa but it seems he has different ideas.

Sue

 

[Budoaiki]

I have some back problems myself and I know it's not always easy to stick to your plans when your back acts up, it can make it hard to sleep and throw off your whole schedule for the next day or two.

He may have over done it moving furniture with his friends and didn't want you too see him as weak for not being able to do it, like the body the ego can be a fragile thing. I would suggest watching his movements, when his back acts up you'll probably notice that he'll move more tentatively and I bet he feels really bad for not doing it as he planned and the stress it's caused you.

 

[suewatters1]

Yes I understand but he did the moving on Saturday and I saw him yesterday and he promised to call me. I have seen him at his worse and I understand. But I could have done most of the work and have him just supervise.

He has been like that a few years back offered to help me with something and he never did.

Thanks

Sue

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry Sue. I know you're frustrated...I think sometimes people have good intentions but aren't always great at the follow through. But I don't think it means that he doesn't care about you.

I think he may have been preoccupied with his own stuff. It is dissapointing Sue, but I hope that you'll see that it's not a reflection of where you are on his list of priorities - he may have a good explanation for not getting around to it. And I think that it was a really nice gesture to pay for all of these.

For right now, just try and give yourself some TLC for tonight...take a warm bath and try to not think about it...In a few days, talk to him about it. He may very well have a really good explanation for all of it...

 

[suewatters1]

Yes Jazzey it is a nice gesture on his part but to not make time for me and he kept saying ah it will only take an hour. Like it was no big deal but brakes on a car are a big deal especially if you have to drive 120 km to get to your appointment and another 120 km to get home.

Sue

 

[Jazzey]

I agree Sue. Brakes on a car are a big deal. And the timing of it all really stinks - no doubt there. Can you maybe borrow his car tomorrow to make it to your appointment? Is there anyone that can either drive you or lend you their car?

 

[suewatters1]

I am now trying to think of my options.

Sue