I don't know how to cope anymore

[Desire]

12 years this has been going on, I have normal days, by normal I mean I still sleep alot & have no motivation etc but my minds not playing up. Then I have sudden serious downers, which can react to something or just appear. I'm so desperate, I feel I can't commit suicide cause of what it'd do to my Mum, knowing i'm hurting her by being this way tears me up. Yet I think about suicide alot & want to be free from this. It's so painful, the emotional equivalent of labour I reckon, so painful. All I want is someone to hug me & to see someone to talk to, I feel alone. This is the strangest & scariest thing i've ever been through, I don't understand why i'm not really down all the time seeing as i'm meant to have depression. I just want to die, I wish someone would help me, I can't do it on my own. I don't see any future, I hate how I look, how I am, yet can't seem to change a thing myself. I've shoplifted, been in loads of debt, got myself in all sorts of trouble. Wanting to die so much yet not being able to is hell, it's also hell knowing my Mum worries & can't sleep coz of me. My brother is messed up & so she has 2 messed up kids, she must feel she's failed as a parent. I think about hurting myself. I'm just so confused, insecure, scared, alone. I don't think this will ever end, don't even know why I'm this way. Don't even know if it's an illness, maybe i'm just lazy or hypochondriac.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Well, it is not your fault at all that you're struggling with this. And, unfortunately, these things that you mention seem to be common for people who have depression or other similar problems. Sadly, right now, I can relate to most of what you're saying. The suicidal thoughts, the hating how I look, the pain, the fear, the confusion, insecurity, seem to be unable to change things. It's very hard. It's wonderful though that you have your mom who loves you very much. Right now if you can't seem to live for you, you can try to live for her.

Just try to hang in there and know you're not alone here. Keep trying to get help. One day something will click and things will start looking up more for you. I believe this for you.

 

[Angie611]

12 years this has been going on, I have normal days, by normal I mean I still sleep alot & have no motivation etc but my minds not playing up. Then I have sudden serious downers, which can react to something or just appear. I'm so desperate, I feel I can't commit suicide cause of what it'd do to my Mum, knowing i'm hurting her by being this way tears me up. Yet I think about suicide alot & want to be free from this. It's so painful, the emotional equivalent of labour I reckon, so painful. All I want is someone to hug me & to see someone to talk to, I feel alone. This is the strangest & scariest thing i've ever been through, I don't understand why i'm not really down all the time seeing as i'm meant to have depression. I just want to die, I wish someone would help me, I can't do it on my own. I don't see any future, I hate how I look, how I am, yet can't seem to change a thing myself. I've shoplifted, been in loads of debt, got myself in all sorts of trouble. Wanting to die so much yet not being able to is hell, it's also hell knowing my Mum worries & can't sleep coz of me. My brother is messed up & so she has 2 messed up kids, she must feel she's failed as a parent. I think about hurting myself. I'm just so confused, insecure, scared, alone. I don't think this will ever end, don't even know why I'm this way. Don't even know if it's an illness, maybe i'm just lazy or hypochondriac.

Please rent the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?"

I have low self-esteem, but since I've watched that movie I've felt better about myself.

There's a part in the movie where the actress, Marlee Maitlin, looks at herself in a different way, she writes all over her body things like "I love you" and draws hearts and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I could feel something that I can't even begin to explain. I started to cry and well, it was just a very powerful scene to me.

 

[Desire]

Thanks, i'll do my best to get hold of it. I appreciate the replies. My Nurse's seem sure I have Borderline PD, yet I dunno, I do fit it better than Bi Polar, but not sure if I have 5 criteria, 4 definite lol. I'd hate to be a Psychiatrist! Just want to feel normal again

 

[Angie611]

Thanks, i'll do my best to get hold of it. I appreciate the replies. My Nurse's seem sure I have Borderline PD, yet I dunno, I do fit it better than Bi Polar, but not sure if I have 5 criteria, 4 definite lol. I'd hate to be a Psychiatrist! Just want to feel normal again

The movie talks a lot about addictions to emotions and re-mapping our brains.

I have been filling myself with positive thoughts for the last few days and I have been feeling so great.

I'm telling myself things that I've never even thought...

example, my boyfriend woke me up this morning and I started my usual groaning because I (used to) hate mornings. My boyfriend said "change those maps", so I started saying "I LOVE MORNINGS", "YAY FOR MORNINGS", silly things like that, but it made me laugh and I had a good morning and an easier time getting out of bed. I've been telling myself that "I'm nice", something that I really never thought of myself as, as well as other people thinking that. I'm telling myself that I'm cute and beautiful, instead of fat and ugly, like I used to.

These thoughts are making me feel these things, I have been nicer and I've felt prettier and happier.

At any rate, I believe if we can change our thoughts, we can change our lives.

There was also a very interesting part of the movie about water, there have been studies done on how thoughts can affect the molecular structure of water and the point of the movie is that if we're 70% water imagine what changing our thoughts could do for us.

I've read some reviews on Amazon, I actually ordered the movie today. People love it or hate it. I believe you have to have an open mind and you have to look for hidden messages in the movie.

I love the movie and I love the way I've been feeling since I watched it.

I am on a journey for inner peace and happiness so I may be more receptive to the messages in the movie than others, but if you're in a similar boat, it might bring you gifts you can't even imagine.

 

[angie74]

Desire,

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I too, often feel there is no hope and that the depression will never end. I also struggle with feelings of self-worth. I have a long, long way to go, but I have got to keep trying.