12 years this has been going on, I have normal days, by normal I mean I still sleep alot & have no motivation etc but my minds not playing up. Then I have sudden serious downers, which can react to something or just appear. I'm so desperate, I feel I can't commit suicide cause of what it'd do to my Mum, knowing i'm hurting her by being this way tears me up. Yet I think about suicide alot & want to be free from this. It's so painful, the emotional equivalent of labour I reckon, so painful. All I want is someone to hug me & to see someone to talk to, I feel alone. This is the strangest & scariest thing i've ever been through, I don't understand why i'm not really down all the time seeing as i'm meant to have depression. I just want to die, I wish someone would help me, I can't do it on my own. I don't see any future, I hate how I look, how I am, yet can't seem to change a thing myself. I've shoplifted, been in loads of debt, got myself in all sorts of trouble. Wanting to die so much yet not being able to is hell, it's also hell knowing my Mum worries & can't sleep coz of me. My brother is messed up & so she has 2 messed up kids, she must feel she's failed as a parent. I think about hurting myself. I'm just so confused, insecure, scared, alone. I don't think this will ever end, don't even know why I'm this way. Don't even know if it's an illness, maybe i'm just lazy or hypochondriac.