I don't know how to explain this

[Jazzey]

I've felt stronger and happier lately. I feel peace for the first time in a while.

But, I'm still here, thinking about it as an option. Still considering it and feeling quite normal or peaceful about the thought. I'm ok with not being here anymore. I don't have any fear about this other than not succeeding. I'm not sad by any means. I'm not in pain, I'm nothing other than just a bit tired of thinking.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone? Does it?

 

[Banned]

It makes perfect sense to me, Jazzey. I'm in that place alot myself. It can be a hard place to be, because you feel like you're caught in the middle.

I find the only way out of that place is to take a step towards life in any way you can - reaching out to a friend (ie going for coffee), making future plans, basically - give yourself something to live for.

But, I know how hard that is, especially when you're at peace with everything. I really get it, hon.

 

[Into The Light]

i have read about people seeming happier once they've made the decision to end their lives. people around them thought they were actually doing better, only to be shocked by their deaths soon after.

i would bring this up with your psychologist, jazzey.

 

[Jazzey]

I don't cry about this anymore - I used to. To be honest, I don't feel the need to reach out to anyone about this. I'm not saying I'm doing anything about it. But I also want to think about this on my own.

Thanks guys.

 

[Banned]

I understand. I've been in that place, and know what it feels like to need to be left alone to figure it out. Just promise us if you start to lean towards making any kinds of plans, you'll reach out first. You're far too precious. And I do hope you will talk to your therapist about it (as much as you might be hesitant to).

 

[Retired]

I don't have any fear about this other than not succeeding

Do you have a plan as to how you would carry out a suicide?

people seeming happier once they've made the decision to end their lives......i would bring this up with your psychologist

This would be a concern and the advice is sound.

Will you keep yourself safe until you speak with your therapist, Jazzey?

 

[Jazzey]

I'm not doing anything right now, Turtle. It's a thought for the time being. A thought that, for whatever reason, comforts me a little. (and yes, you have my word):hug::friends:

 

[Into The Light]

we care about you jazzey.. very much. please don't make any rash decisions without reaching out :hug:

 

[Banned]

Even if its "just" a thought, its still something to bring up with your therapist. Your therapist can help you process that thought, figure out what's at the core of it, and help you to move back towards health and life.

But, she can't help you if she doesn't know, so please talk to her.

 

[Fiver]

i have read about people seeming happier once they've made the decision to end their lives. people around them thought they were actually doing better, only to be shocked by their deaths soon after.

i would bring this up with your psychologist, jazzey.

This was my first thought, too. Jazzey, if you are able to truly and objectively look at how and why you're feeling like this, do you believe that this applies to you right now? And if it did, would you be willing to admit it?

I don't want to put words in your mouth if ITL and I are going down the wrong path, but this sort of kinda very much makes the hairs on my neck stand up. I think I understand exactly what you've just said, and I think considering the recent history you've had with feeling that death is a viable option, working it out on your own may not be the wisest course of action. And deep inside you know this is true.

Tell me I'm wrong, tell me to mind my own business, or pretend that you're superhuman and can do all of this without any kind of support, tell me whatever you will. Or maybe just totally ignore me altogether. But I think you owe it to yourself to get an objective perspective about everything that's going on, and I don't believe that right now you are in the position to be objective about your own situation.

Why do you insist that you have to work this all out yourself? Why don't you believe you deserve the support and help that you would advise anyone else to have? I understand being stoic and self-sufficient, but that's not what we're talking about here. I think we're talking about you not thinking you're worthy of the same help and kindness you'd insist upon for anyone other than yourself.

 

[Jazzey]

Sorry, I didn't mean to concern any of you. You have my word that I'm not acting on any of this. This thread was started more so in that I'm having those thoughts, that even death doesn't scare me anymore. Not to say that I'm acting upon any of it.

Having said this - thank you for caring about me. I mean it. You have my word that I'm not acting on any of these thoughts. I'm just processing everything right now.

 

[Retired]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and know we are always here to be your sounding board.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The thought of suicide doesn't necessarily imply suicidal intent.

Indeed, for some people, accepting the possibility of suicide as an "out" should it be needed can be reassuring - and often means they don't need that out: just knowing it's there can be encouragement to persevere through whatever problems one is facing.

Nietzsche may have been the first to write about this.

 

[Daniel E.]

Nietzsche may have been the first to write about this.

BTW, the ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca wrote about it the most during his time. (Nietzsche was a big fan of the Stoics.)
The problem with the Stoics is they went overboard on everything. The best critique against them:

The Therapy of Desire - Google Books

(the title says it all)

 

[Fiver]

The thought of suicide doesn't necessarily imply suicidal intent.

Indeed, for some people, accepting the possibility of suicide as an "out" should it be needed can be reassuring - and often means they don't need that out: just knowing it's there can be encouragement to persevere through whatever problems one is facing.

You're absolutely right, and you are the educated professional, whereas I stock spaghetti sauce in the middle of the night. I defer to your experience, and since Jazzey has indicated that she'd prefer to ponder these feelings alone, I'll excuse myself from this thread.

It hits a little too close to home. I wish everyone a safe night.

 

[Into The Light]

having the option is also something to do with control. it gives us control over what happens to us, whether we live or die. the choice is ours. that's what it was about for me anyway when i was severely depressed, because absolutely everything else in my life was out of control. nothing i did mattered. everyone else around me ran the show. this was the only thing i had at that time.

 

[Jazzey]

Fiver, I apologize if this hits close to home for you. My intention was never to harm anyone. It's been a long week for me, on a number of grounds.

But in this instance, I was just sharing my current state of mind. I am ok. I do think about suicide. And, for the first time in a long time, I'm at peace with myself and what's good for me.

But I would never want to harm anyone in my process. I was just sharing a little tonight. I'm sorry that I hurt you in the process. That wasn't my intention. I was merely expressing the fact that for the first time in a long time, I genuinely feel at peace with myself.

 

[Banned]

I agree with Dr. Baxter as well. I carry the suicide card in my back pocket every day. It makes it a bit easier to get through the days, knowing I have an "out" if I need it. It's kind of hard to explain, unless you've been there. It keeps my stress down a bit, because I know I have options.

Having said that, I would never use that card without going to my therapist for support first.

But, while I'm not actively suicidal at this time, I have been in the past, and will be in the future again. Not being actively suicidal right now doesn't mean I never think about it though...if that makes sense.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No apologies needed, Jazzey.

This thread is posted in the Suicide forum. I would think that would be sufficient warning that it might contain potentially triggering content.

 

[Jazzey]

And don't ever diminish yourself Fiver - that just doesn't fly with me, at all.