I don't know how to explain this

[Cat Dancer]

Sadly, I can relate to what you're saying and I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts.

 

[NicNak]

Hi Jazzey. I feel the same as Cat Dancer. I relate as well and you are in my thoughts.

I apologize, I am not much more help than that tonight. :heart:

 

[Jazzey]

Sorry guys, I really didn't mean to portray something that isn't. I'm really feeling good. I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I just feel at peace right now - about everything.

I've learned to love my job -in fact, I'm passionate about it again for the first time in a very long time. I'm enjoying being around people. I'm looking forward to my running club...Everything is really great.

While I do still think of death, my death, it really is more of an acceptance, a feeling of peace. I will live life to its fullest for the time being. I'm still waiting on results from my cancer testing. Either way- I will live every bit of the next little while to its fullest.

What?? you didn't think you'd get rid of me so easily did you?

 

[Retired]

While I do still think of death, my death, it really is more of an acceptance

I don't know what brings about the realization of our own mortality, a realization that mortality, whenever it happens to come, is not an event that strikes a chord of fear and denial but rather a sense of peaceful acceptance.

Some say it's a part of aging, as we see some of our peers passing on, others say that reports of our heroes or icons passing evoke thoughts of our own mortality.

People around us are always dying, but when there is a personal connection, thoughts of our own mortality seem to come to the forefront.

I am not referring to obsessing about death or indulging in morbid thoughts surrounding death, but rather, in a brief moment, imagining how others might react to our absence, or conversely, how we might react if someone close to us would pass.

I suppose thoughts of death are probably just another one of those human thought processes in which we indulge, just like imagining what it would be like to give birth, to be a parent, a grand parent, to experience weightlessness, to drive a race car in the Daytona 500, to fly an airplane, to win the lottery and even to imagine death.

 

[suewatters1]

I understand of what your talking about Jazzey. I told my therapist that I still occasionally get suicidal thoughts and I thought they would totally go away with my medication and feeling better most of the time. But he explained it to me but I can't remember exactly how he said it but it made sense.
It does get scary when the dark thoughts come back.
I was looking for some pro sites for the first time last week and that scared me made me wonder why am I looking for these sites. I was thinking maybe it was because I wouldn't be the only one thinking dark thoughts on a bad day.

I am glad you have a passion for your job

Take Care

Sue

 

[Jazzey]

Tonight, I just want to let go. I don't know how to explain my current mood other than to say that I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.

I have this anger in me -about how my life always seems to be about the pain inflicted on others...So, in all of this, when, precisely do I get to focus on my own pain? And why, exactly, is this always about others and their "crises"?

I'm so angry tonight. I give up. I don't know how to gauge my emotions. I have no 'freakin' clue how to really evaluate any given situation. Surely darwininan laws have to come into play to exclude the weakest link - me.

Sorry - just angry. And I just don't want to be here anymore. But, I'll hang on - I'll be here tomorrow -because that's me.

But darnit - I'm just so angry tonight without even having an inkling why. I have no idea where this anger is coming from.

 

[NicNak]

I am sorry Jazzey. It is a very familliar feeling I am having lately and cannot even figure out why I am angry or upset either.

I am sorry I am not much help, but wanted to send you support. Glad you are going to hang on.

You are a wonderful person and do so much good for others. I am so sorry you are hurting though, I wish I could find a way to help..

:heart: :hug: :support:

 

[Retired]

Jazzey,

I don't know if this will help, but I read this very profound and insightful post by a very wise person, whom I greatly respect on our Forum. Have a look and see if there are any nuggets that might be of help during this difficult time you are having:

It doesn't have to be 'fixed' .......You just have to accept that it's part of your experience. Accept that it is so and then, create new life experiences. Ones that can be happy.

We don't always have to 'fix things'. In fact, I think that there are matters that cannot be fixed. Like grief - you can't 'fix that'. But you can integrate it into your new life, learn to be happy despite the 'grief'.

For myself, I'm not trying to 'fix' anything - I'm just trying to manage my life in way that I can be happy again. Recognize the hard points, know that they're a part of who I am - but still forge ahead with a good life.

It's not an all or nothing situation. It's just finding that balance sometimes.

I know I found some inspiration in those words that I can take home.

You are far from a weak link, but rather you are the strong and resilient person we have gotten to know here on the Forum.

Stay strong!

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you Steve :hug::heart:

I'm just a little 'muted' right now. But, thank you.

 

[Into The Light]

of course you're angry jazzey. when something is always about others and never about you, eventually you're going to reach your limit.

i don't know what to do to help with that feeling. i just wanted to point out that what you are feeling is normal, ok, and especially, justified.

 

[Always Changing]

Just want to say I'm thinking of you Jazzey. :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks you AC :hug::hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Sorry about this last night everyone. And more importantly, thank you all for your support. It really does mean a lot to me.

Sometimes, I can be fine one minute and just sink into a dark mood the very next minute. A very angry mood. And it's a little frustrating at times because there's no real reason for me to have reached that particular place last night. I was really fine all day long and from one half hour to the next, I went there.

But I'm feeling a lot better today and I just wanted to thank all of you. :grouphug:

 

[Banned]

I'm glad to hear that, Jazzey.