I don't know how to react to myself.

[Freezing_heart_of_fire]

This may get a little lengthy, but I need to at least rant even if nobody has any input on how to handle this.

Recently I have noticed myself falling back into some habbits. I rephrase, I noticed this yesterday, but when I think about these habbits, I realize they have been going on again for a while. Let's take a trip back a few summers. I was very sick. I wouldn't eat, when I did, I threw up. I lost 40 some pounds in a couple of weeks and couldn't move from my bed. It got to the point where when I ate, I couldn't keep crackers down. I couldn't keep fluids, including water down. I threw everything up. I was throwing up my stomach acids because I had nothing else in me. I went to the doctor's, they put me on an Iiv and once I had some substance in me, gave me a very basic diet to go by that I was able to keep down. My whole point of eating less wasn't to gain an eating disorder, I never ever, ever wanted that...I just wanted to be skinny to make people happy. (My father tells me every day that I am fat, ugly, useless, worthless, never ammount to things, etc., and after a while, even if you know it's not true, it's the voice that is there.)

So let's fast forward to now. I'm getting scared. I recently realized that I am completly obsessed with food. I talk about it constantly, bake all the time, but rarely ever eat. I think I compromise eating with thinking about and being around the food. I have been craving tacos for about two weeks...non stop. Tacos just rock. I made some last night and only ate half of one before I felt nausiated. That was when it kind of hit me what was happening again. I think back a few weeks and I have been obsessed with food lately, I haven't been eating much and feeling a little sick when I do, and I have been exercising a lot every day and I get really uneasy if I don't.

I guess I'm looking for help, advice, support...anything really. Thanks in advance.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Well, first of all I am so sorry that your father says those things to you. That is very hurtful and wrong of him and those things are NOT true. You don't deserve to be verbally abused like that. No one deserves that.

And second, I think the best way to deal with this is get some outside help. I think that once you mentioned talking to the school counselor? Would it be possible to do this again? An eating disorder is hard to overcome alone. I really hope that you can get some help very soon for this.

 

[HA]

Hi Freezing_Heart_of_Fire,

Boy, you sure have been through the ringer. I hope you can get yourself to a good therapist to help you deal with all you are going through. Then your little Heart will no longer be burning or freezing but instead a more balanced *Warm Heart*.

{{Hugs}}
HeartArt

 

[Freezing_heart_of_fire]

Thank you both for your kind words, it means a lot.

Janetr, thanks. My father has kind of pulled the whole family through hell a few times, I guess that I am more used to hearing things than not.

Secondly, to address the whole counsellor issue or outside help in general, that has gotten more complicated recently. I attended this thing called ChallengeDay. I shared a few things with people, but not enough that they would think I was off my rocker...and well by the end of the day, two of our counsellors, our vice principle, and one of the leaders was there and it just wasn't really the idea of my perfect situation to be in. I guess it's just really difficult for me to reach for that help.

I have been in the hospital for this issue before, but it hasn't gotten to that point--nor will I let it get to that point again.

Again, thank you both.

 

[Eunoia]

hey, how are things going? I agree w/ everyone else that you should try to get some "outside" help, so talking to a counsellor, psychologist, etc. being put in a situation where you open up and then all of those people corner you obviously wasn't fair. you could try talking alone w/ one of those counsellors, saying here, this is the issue, this is what I'm willing to do, this is what I want out of it, and pls don't invovle all of those people at least not when I'm talking to you (b/c a counsellor is obligated to tell someone if you're in danger of harming yourself or others). if you don't think that's a good idea, then what about going to an organization/help group in the community/city you're in. they'll be more objective in the way that they're not around you all the time but they're professional, and can help you. they could at least sit down w/ you and give you some options of steps you could take.
I think considering that you did lose 40lbs and that you have been hospitalized b/f it is totally relevant that you're scared that you're losing control again, and it's good that you realize this now b/f it's too late. now the next step is to get help to prevent things to happen like they did b/f. personally I think giving you a diet and saying here eat this is great if it;s nutritious and will make you eat it, but having that alone is not nearly enough for someone who went through what you did. eating isn't the problem if you know what I mean. so you def. need some outside help as well.
you feel sick when you eat, right? that's a sign for sure that things aren't ok. and craving for a taco and not giving in drives you even more mad the longer the craving holds, so I know this is hard, but even eating- as you did- half of a taco when you crave it maybe make the situation a whole lot easier in the long run. you're not gonna gain "x" amount of weight from that half a taco. and at least you can stop going through that psychological turmoil, you know?

it just wasn't really the idea of my perfect situation to be in. I guess it's just really difficult for me to reach for that help.

I don't think there is one perfect situation to be in for this.. I mean when will it ever feel great to disclose to someone about one's issues??? but what you can do is choose carefully who you want to tell this too, and making sure that you trust that person and that it is someone who has the knowledge and skill to help you. and yes, it's difficult. but it is as difficult living a life constantly being obsessed about food, cals, weight, appearance, sneaking around others... isn't it? pls try to find the courage and go talk to someone about this.