More threads by Izabela


I have been best friends with my mum since ever until I was 21. Now I am 23. About 2 years ago I have realized how much dependent I was on her and that she was making almost all decisions about my life. I was running to her for any advice. We could talk about anything!

I have done a lot of reading and work on my personal development lately. With the hep of my loving boyfriend I became more confident and independent. I have tried to explain few things to my mother. Unfortunately I discovered that she does not except criticism. When I try to make some contribution she punishes me emotionally. I want us to get on well but she just tries and tries to get me back to the place I was. She says she doesn't want to manipulate me, but when I tell her about my ideas for my life which does not agree with herself, she will jump on me and criticize again and again and again!

Time when I believed that mum is alway right - is gone. However, when we talk over the phone (she lives in different country than I - thanks God! ) she is so pushy, she is able to make me so confused that I really don't know who should I be what should I do...etc. I get so insecure I loose my confident that was so hard to build up!!

She tries to scare me that one day I will get back to her and say that she is right. I have studied myself and her. I have discovered that we are very much similar and we act similarly. It scares me!!

She just divorced my father, whom I hated for years. She used to tell me lots of personal negative stuff about dad, so that I hated him too. Though, my dad never said anything bad about her. I manged to build back my relationship with my father, though I am the only child that keeps contact with him and she hates it so much. I am much more relived since then. It was like I had and really did not have father for years. As an outcome of not having healthy contact with my dad I have Electra complex.

She openly says that this is unacceptable for me to keep contact with dad for all that he has done to her. My dad few years ago got depressed after loosing his business and sat in his room for couple years and no one, but no one was there to support him. She was blaming him for financial problems.

My mother always is out of home. She works hard, she is very respected in community. She spends little time with her family. Explanation? - has to earn money, cause "prick" doesn't pay for children.

She was always preparing me for the worst in life. To always have some back-up door to run out. To do as many things, courses to get as much qualification.....etc. I used to attempt to 2 collages at the same time, led choir in the church and played in the rock band at the same time. On the ball all they - all week. I know I have learned it from her. I loved it.

Once I got in to grown up relationship I notice that if I want to do all those things I will spend little time with my boyfriend. And that will lead to not close loving relationship that I wanted to have. It took me a lot time to understand that what I do have consequences and that many things can be planed in life.

I realize also that if I get used to being out all the time, if I want to have family in future I will become like her. If I give little attention to my husband and children - family crises guaranteed!!!

Her mother lived like her - took divorce, she did the same and I don't want to repeat their mistakes!!! It is just that I am not really happy when I talk to her and she makes me feel like I should do things the way she tells me to. It was easier with mama helping me all the time. The problem was - I was a mess, unstable emotionally, spend little time thinking, alway late, disorganized, when had problem - I run away, blaming others for everything that went bad, not able to take criticism, ....etc etc etc.

Just Like Mama!!!!!!

On the top of this all - she blames my boyfriend for my change!

Can you help?

I just need to know - Is it possible to fight what we have learned form our mothers when this is what we learned about being a woman, mother, wife during our first 2 years of life???!!!! And it has a major impact on our personality!! Which I've learned from child psychology and it makes sense! Can we fight it? Is there any point? Can we fight it and be happy? Are we daughters - a clones of our mothers?!!! :confused:

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
You are not a clone of anyone, not even your mother. Your genetic makeup is part your mother, part your father, part other members of your bloodline, and part uniquely you.

You will probably always recognize some features in you, positive or negative, of your mother, your father, a sibling, an aunt or uncle or cousin, etc. That doesn't mean that you ARE that other person. It just means that you share some of the same genetic material and history, which translates into some similar tendencies.

But you are still uniquely you and free to make your own choices in life.

Even identical twins are not 100% identical in terms of personality and behavior.
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