I don't want to live this way

[forgetmenot]

so afraid even on meds i am so anxious afraid i don't want to keep living like this so afraid for everyone i just cannot breath
i want my daughter with me so i know she is safe
i don't want my mother in nrsg home
i want to be able to see my grandchildren
im tired and i am so afraid meds meds aren't working they are not keeping my anxiety away they are not keeping the sadness away either or the dark thoughts
i can't do this just let me go ok because i am driving myself crazy and everyone else too
where is she i want her home with me god

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: i don't want to live this way

I am struggling too. I am sorry things are so hard. Are you able to let your therapist know how badly you're feeling? Is there more self care you can do for yourself? You seem to take care of everyone , but do you take care of you?

 

[forgetmenot]

i do take care of me i am back on meds but reality is what it is
It is all just too hard to see them all fight to get well then destroy it all again
i cannot do this watch my family destroy themselves
i go for walks i write i even painted an old bench i have to be placed by my pond
the pain the anxiety the sadness never leaves because i know i will have to deal with losing another one
i ate the phone ringing i hate the dam phone ringing
anxiety fear sadness is just too great

 

[defect]

I feel these things too. Life is really painful. People always say that's why you're supposed to enjoy the good stuff as much as you can, but I feel this is difficult to do when you're always knowing that there's so much pain to endure. People tell me I'm too sensitive, and to "get over it". Needless to say, I don't talk to people much anymore.
I am able to unplug the phone, I actually didn't have a phone at all for several years... I don't know if that is a good thing or not but I quite liked it. Not sure how good it was for my isolation issues, but whatever. If at all possible, I highly recommend it.
Please don't do anything to permanently remove yourself. Volunteer yourself if you feel you can't be present in yourself anymore. You can create a purpose to be here that is tolerable and might even outweigh the pain you're in. Selfless actions like volunteering or being of service to others can be incredibly self rewarding.

 

[forgetmenot]

unplug phone done that but have to leave it on to know certain things
leave that is all in my mind is to leave but i don't want toharm them yet they think nothing of harming others by their actions
i try so hard to help others and yes i am very sensitive oh god ijust want it to end years of this now years and it never ends

 

[defect]

knowing that this is how you experience life and living, is there any way you can be comfortable with it? Can you let it be okay? It's a subtle shift, to allow the pain and discomfort to be acceptable to you, but if you're able to let it be okay, it makes it easier to tolerate. And it feels less permanent for some reason. At least this has been my experience of it, I've just recently come to this understanding within myself.

 

[Jesse910]

Dear Forgetmenot:

I hear your anxiety, frustration and fear. And, it would be wonderful if all of us could wave a magic wand and rid ourselves of life's frustrations. I've got a few that I would like resolved as well. Unfortunately, however, in order to deal with our respective lives, we sometimes have to break things down into minute segments: (1) what must be handled right now? (2) How can I care for myself so that I can function? (3) While I am worried about family members, are they safe in this moment? (4) Will they remain safe in the next few hours.

You sound burdened by decisions that you may perceive need to be addressed immediately. Do they have to be resolved right now? Can they wait?
You indicate that you are having troubles breathing. Have you tried drinking a glass of water? When we drink water or any type of liquid, we have to breathe in order to take the next sip.

What I'm trying to get at here is that if everyone is safe for the next few hours, you can begin to process things within your own life. Reduce the anxiety to a few hours or to an hour at a time. Call for whatever backup support you need to maintain a sense of calm. Your not wanting to continue is a cry for help. Let's address that cry. Right now, you need to regroup and rest. You are a priority and don't you ever forget that.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Jessie all i can do is handle one crisis at a time sometimes i have to handle two i have always been able to prioritize taking the most impt crisis and deal with it first
like getting my twin help so she would stop the ODing and other things and getting mother signed papers for nrsg home and then taking my girl and getting her back on track

Just when they od multiple times not one person but two and i feel like i am not knowing what else to do When i run out of connections when i have done everything possible to help them i feel lost and anxious and afraid that's all

So afraid that i may not get there in time or i missed something i don't want to fail them ok like i failed my bro i don't want to lose another person i don't
Meds are sort of numbing me a bit and i don't get so anxious i cannot think
Break things down in small steps all i can do is deal with the most immediate crisis get them stable and then move on
As for me god tears must thinking abt me brings tears i am ok

i have dealt with all i can right now bought my girl a name badge that states her position she has now graduated I told her to look at that badge and see who she is a professional someone who can do so much for her animals
I told her her actions affect so many not just me but her nieces her brother father and aunts.
My twin told her take one day and get through it take then next do the same
I am a professional i am in control i am trying so hard to stay me dam tears
the want for not being here is selfish i know that but i am not prepared ok i am not prepared to lose another person i am not
breath eat something walk and stay on meds and talk to therapist
all i can do right Jessie
Your last line oh god hun just brings so much pain inside me so much sadness because i have never ever been a priority never and i know in order to help them all i have to stay in control i have to stay well i understand that much

I want so much to heal their pain to bring them peace

i hear you i do put on the oxygen mask first so i will be able to help them as my therapist put it.

 

[Jesse910]

Hi Forgetmenot:

You are speaking volumes to all of us regarding your situation. I am also the "take charge" person in my home. I am the one that rallies my husband and my son. However, there are days when I am forced to take a time out for myself. That means that things don't happen in the manner that I want. Yet, the things that need to get done do. I understand your concerns for your mother and in placing her in a nursing home. I cared for both of my parents when they became sick. That along is an emotional process to work through. And, people who care for others tend to second-guess themselves: "Did I do the right thing?, etc." It took me a very long time to accept that I was a priority and could be added to my schedule. Yet, when I did, I started to feel better. Maybe today, you can give yourself some time just for you. If all you do is stare out the window, or lay down for a bit, or whatever, that is your time. And believe me, the world will still go on. When you give yourself permission to be yourself, I think you will start to feel relief. I also hope that you are checking in with your therapist. Please continue to let us know how you are coping. You are worth the time.

 

[forgetmenot]

The only way to stop this pain is medicate myself until i sleep or leave the anxiety is to great i don't trust anyone not even my daughter
i don't think i ever will too many have harmed i wish i knew what was happening but tonight i will just medicate myself until i feel nothing again

 

[forgetmenot]

I see my therapist wed next week and gp on thurs again

suggestions of group therapy i just don't see me doing that

no i know what will happen it happen before and i don't want to show that side of me

I will not go into group therapy

My anxiety has lessen some not as depressed as i was

The meds just make me not care now

I have the feeling of not caring anymore

Maybe when things start to happen i will feel emotions again

Fighting the thoughts again about the meds tonight as i am feeling a little zombie like

Maybe one night off them wont hurt just one night off.

 

[defect]

I don't think that missing a dose is a good idea.

 

[forgetmenot]

one dose really ok then i will take them now so then i can at least tell doc and therapist i did take them everyday i am getting tired of taking them i feel like a zombie but i will until i see them both

 

[defect]

I know it's hard to do, but try your best to trust the process. It takes time and patience, but you deserve to allow yourself to get treatment.
Today is my first day of new medication and I feel slightly dizzy but that's not all that unusual, and my tummy is a bit off, I've got a head ache and I'm having my usual gong show of thoughts running their circus in my head. I know day one is only day one, so I am currently very aware of how easily I write off how I am feeling, physically or mentally, on the medications working or not working. Just stay on the path and talk to your docs like you said, and try to trust in the process. Give yourself the best chance.

 

[MHealthJo]

It is so key..... I have always been amazed at the degree to which the success of medications, and the level of side effects etc, sometimes has a level of correlation with pre-existing thoughts, fears, and attitudes in the patient. I've read experiences from health professionals which have blown me away, when terrible side effects have occurred etc, and then the health professional has revealed to the patient that the patient was given NO medication at all, only placebo. Just incredible......

Such a difficult thing, but people who are suffering deserve to feel better and have all tools at their disposal. Hang in there...... xox

 

[forgetmenot]

Woke up took meds not a good night last night but i will talk to doc on thurs and see if dosage can be decreased some

 

[defect]

weird. two days in a row and I've woken up and not immediately taken my meds. I've been doing this for several years now, what gives? yesterday I forgot until about 2pm-ish, I'm glad that won't happen today, thanks for the reminder!

 

[forgetmenot]

I am sick today could not take my meds sick just sick maybe tomorrow i will feel better

 

[defect]

I took my new med this morning and again in as many days I am feeling the worse for it. My instincts are telling me to stop this medication, and that is what I'm going to do. I have spent all morning doing a ton of reading on the drug, and I think stopping it is the right thing to do for me. I don't want to give up on it so soon, but the side effects I'm already experiencing at such a low dose are more than I'm willing or able to deal with. Blah.
Forgetmenot, I hope you're doing okay.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey took me weeks to get use to meds hun try to hang in there ok or talk to your doctor

maybe starting at a lower dose would be easier but discuss that with your doctor before giving up so soon

I see my doc this thurs so i will also be bring up my concerns about too high a dosage

been on it 4 weeks now that is a long time for me then i missed yesterday and today as i am still sick

i know it takes at least 6 weeks for full affect You hang on ok hun instincts are not always right hugs