I fear I'll hurt my future family.

[AllAutumnNeeds]

Hey.

I am fourteen years old, I do plan on someday getting married and having children, most likely about 10 or so years from now. Although, I am constantly thinking about what kind of mother I'd make. Quite often, I assume that I'll be a worse than horrible mother, especially if I am to have a girl. There are several reasons for why I think this:

Right now, and ever since I was eight, maybe seven, I am incapable of loving my own mother and father, and my little brother who is seven years old. My parents are both wonderful parents, and I don't hate them, and they've given me no reason to, but for some reason......I just don't love them. I feel like I never will. I am also in constant need of attention, but don't mistake me for an annoying-in-your-face-everything-revolves-around-me type of person, because when I HAVE admitted to my dependence on attention, people say "Oh no, you're not like that." But I am, I am very lucky, and I often feen guilty because at least once a week I cry over stupid things just because I lack attention from my peers, my teachers, my parents...everyone. And I really don't.. But I just feel like ****. I don't think it's hormonal, either, because long before puberty, I was always jealous and envious of everyone and everything that got more attention than me. It went so far as to me hating sports because whenever a game or a race was on, my dad refused to look at me, like most men do, but still. I also despised my mother for calling my dad while she was at work because it left me little or no time to talk to my dad before she got home. And, I also have always neglected small children and babies because I don't like them, and I know that's absurd and wrong to not like innocent little kids, but that's why I think I don't like them, BECAUSE of their innocence. They can do no wrong. And I think I'm envious of that. They've never accomplished anything, can barely speak more than a word, let alone walk or **** on their own, and people coo and ooo-and-awww over them. When all I see is an annoyance, something there to just whine and break everything. I also can easily see myself, and I predict that I will be, one of those mothers that neglects their children if they're anything but less than perfect. I dont WANT to be that way...but... I know how I am. I am often catching myself wanting to seriously injure my little brother, when he hasnt done much, really, I just dont have the patience. He's not smart, gives up easily, and in a few years, he'll be one of those boys who stays home, doesnt date until college if at all, and plays video games and listens to Star Wars soundtracks for the rest of his life. And it disgusts me that my parents have a "Let him enjoy himself, as long as he's happy" kind of attitude. When I know that their mindset is the right one, not mine. I just figure that if I consider my own brother a disgrace, and am unable to speak to him without being overly critical and just a ***** to him...then what will it be like for my children? I confessed all of this to probably my best friend yesterday, and he told me that maybe I just shouldn't have children... and he's right. But I WANT to have children...but not necessarily a mother. The only reason I have a desire to parent is because...that's just what people do, I'd be a failure to not be a mother, I'd be failing my husband, failing my own parents, failing my whole life for earning a career in order to support my family, and then not have children... And I WANT to marry some one who wants to have children someday, I couldnt bring home a heartless cold person....like myself... and plan to spend the rest of my life with him.

I just think that I lack that natural maternal instinct that I SHOULD have.
What should I do? Would counseling help this? Will I someday be in the news as one of those women who scalds their own 3 month-old? Will I hate my children for making me fat, or giving me stretch marks? If my husband leaves me, will I blame it on them?....

Please, if anyone understands, or knows what I can do/should do, I need help. I understand I'm only 14....but to me, that's all a better reason to get help NOW.

Thank you very much, sorry that this has been such a long post.

 

[Daniel E.]

They've never accomplished anything...

Have you seen the movie Groundhogs Day with Bill Murray? I love that movie because it shows that life doesn't have to be about accomplishing a lot and "having it all." Life can also be about appreciating everyday, ordinary experiences.

I just think that I lack that natural maternal instinct that I SHOULD have.

Have you had any pets before?

Will I hate my children for making me fat, or giving me stretch marks? If my husband leaves me, will I blame it on them?....

In addition to seeing a counselor, you may want to read more feminist writing:

She responded to a query about obesity and feminism by saying "There's no right way to look." She spoke of the shame of stretch marks and how they should instead be honored as marks of life.
"Steinem says anyone can be a feminist"

 

[AllAutumnNeeds]

Thanks for the advice

Thanks for the advice.

Although, the feminist way of life is not for me...

I AM a feminist, this I agree with because there are small things like men paying for a woman on a date, the "you cant hit a girl" saying, that annoy me. But at the same time, I am annoyed the statement I found on the site I took from the link in your reply,

"It is just the belief in full social, political and economic equality between men and women." - Steinem

If that's what it's about, then why is it called
Feminism. All-righteous, activist women bother me, and I view the majority of them as hypocrites, who ask for the sexist comments they recieve or the sexist experiences in which they encounter *that's the MAJORITY, not all do.*


Also, the idea of life not being about accomplishment honestly scares me, and depresses me. If Im not here for a productive purpose... then how COULD I appreciate everyday, ordinary experiences...

But thank you for the help, and Yes I have pets, and I do love them

Just wondering, though, is maternal instinct and unconditionally love the same?

 

[Daniel E.]

I think it's a good sign that you have good experiences with pets. For most people, babysitting other people's children is not as emotionally rewarding as taking care of one's own pets or one's own children. Otherwise, babysitters would work for free.

Just wondering, though, is maternal instinct and unconditionally love the same?

No. It's not. At least in definition. Unconditional love is a human ideal that goes beyond any natural instinct. Maternal/paternal instinct is a necessary prerequisite for unconditional love of one's child, but more than instinct is needed for love not to be conditioned or limited by other factors. For example, studies have shown that some parents unconsciously give more attention to their kids if their kids are more attractive since the "cute" features of a baby or child help elicit the maternal/paternal instinct. Another example is that babies who cry more are more likely to survive famine conditions. So maternal behavior can be understood as something that can be elevated or decreased by hormonal factors, a baby's smile, etc:

The idea that maternal behavior is "switched on" and maintained by hormones and sensory factors and maintained by sensory stimulation is central to this lecture.
http://salmon.psy.plym.ac.uk/year2/Maternal.htm

Unconditional love, on the other hand, is defined as more of a constant, unchanging commitment.

Also, the idea of life not being about accomplishment honestly scares me, and depresses me. If Im not here for a productive purpose... then how COULD I appreciate everyday, ordinary experiences...

I think you misunderstood my intent. I forgot to mention that Bill Murray's character in Groundhogs Day accomplishes a lot after his metamorphosis, but they are fun accomplishments and hobbies like playing piano and reading poetry rather than career accomplishments. His character also becomes more understanding and appreciative of other people's simple ways to enjoy life. Before his character (Phil) makes this change, he refers to the local people as morons and hicks:

Rita tells Phil that people love the groundhog story, to which he responds, "People like blood sausage, too, people are morons." Later, at the Groundhog Festival, she tells him: "You're missing all the fun. These people are great! Some of them have been partying all night long. They sing songs 'til they get too cold and then they go sit by the fire and get warm and then they come back and sing some more." Phil replies, "Yeah, they're hicks, Rita."

"A movie for all time" - National Review

My point was that you currently seem to have a
"type-A" personality/attitude whereas your brother has a type-B attitude to life. I'm just saying that a more laid back, type-B approach to life is just as valid as a more serious, more goal-oriented approach to life. From a lecture by the zen scholar Alan Watts:

In music, though, one doesn't make the end of the composition the point of the composition.

If that were so, the best conductors would be those who played fastest; and there would be composers who only wrote finales.

People go to concerts only to hear one crashing chord - because that's the end.

Same way in dancing: you don't aim at a particular spot in the room; that's where you should arrive.

The whole point of the dancing is the dance.

Now, but we don't see that as something brought by our education into our everyday conduct.

We've got a system of schooling which gives a completely different impression.

It's all graded and what we do is we put the child into the corridor of this grade system, with a kind of "mon kitty kitty kitty".

And yeah, you go to kindergarten, and that's a great thing, because when you finish that, you'll get into first grade.

And then common, first grade leads to second grade, and so on.

And then you get out of grade school you go to high school and it's revving up, the thing is coming.

Then you're going to go to college, and by Jove then you get into graduate school, and when you're through with graduate school, you'll go out to join the world.

And then you get into some racket where you're selling insurance. And they've got that quota to make. And you're going to make that.

And all the time, this thing is coming, it's coming, it's coming, that great thing, the success you're working for.

Then when you wake up one day about forty years old, you say "My God! I've arrived! I'm there!"

And you don't feel very different from what you always felt.

And there's a slight letdown, because you feel there's a hoax.

And there was a hoax.

A dreadful hoax.

They made you miss everything. By expectation.

Look at the people who live to retire, and put those savings away.

And then when they're sixty-five, and they don't have any energy left, they're more or less impotent, they go and rot in an old people's senior citizens community.

Because we've simply cheated ourselves, the whole way down the line.

We thought of life by analogy was a journey, was a pilgrimage, which had a serious purpose at the end.

And the thing was to get to that end.

Success, or whatever it is, or maybe heaven after you're dead.

But we missed the point the whole way along.

It was a musical thing, and you were supposed to sing, or to dance, while the music was being played.

http://www.nonliteral.com/articles/it-was-a-musical-thing/

*that's the MAJORITY, not all do.*

Yes, there's a lot of variety in feminist literature, philosophy, and practice.