I feel so unwanted by my mom and just feel so terribly down

[helpnow]

For about the past 8 years I have been living in California now and my family lives in Europe. To keep it short, I was considering flying home for an extended stay over christmas until mid January (approx. 6 weeks). It always seemed to me that my mom can not handle me staying at her place for too long, the last time I visited was 2 years ago. Since I am running my own business I have the ability to stay overseas for a longer time. Now, when I told my mom I was planning to stay for 6 weeks she kind off told me that this is too long for her and that we might end up fighting etc., she brings up other topics i.e. higher electricity bill while me there also space is limited which means nothing is in order but over crowded when I am there etc. etc.
I don't know what to think? I feel confused and wonder if I should even go and see her.
What to do, should I just let it go and pass going home to avoid more emotional pain I might experience? I'm so deeply hurt. She is emotional so cold at times and I can count on one hand when she told me that she loves me, I am 34 now.

I just wished to be loved and wanted by her and have her say; I can't wait for you to come home.

Please advice! ......... Go or don't go.

 

[defect]

Re: Please Help, I feel so unwanted by my mom and just feel so terribly down

I often get this kind of feedback from my mom, and after many torturous conversations and yelling matches over it, I have come to see that my mom's space and keeping it under control, is her way to keep the peace in her world. Any disruption of that is a disruption of her reality and no matter who comes to visit, even her only child, it still feels chaotic to her which isn't the greatest feeling in the world. I don't know if this is similar to how your mom might be. In any event, go see her. Just maybe don't stay for the full 6 weeks. Your mom loves you but maybe needs to protect her self (not from you, but as a coping skill for life) so it ends up feeling like you are unwanted. You are wanted, but maybe she wants you there on her terms. I hope this makes some sense. And if none of this is relevant to your situation, keep in mind that unconditional love is an emotion, not a reaction.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

To look at the other side of this coin, having a child, even an adult child, living with you is one thing - typically, a residence is selected so that it can accomodate all people in the family, giving each their own space and privacy (and budget). But having a visitor in your home, no matter who it is, is almost always disruptive to a greater or lesser extent, and having a visitor in the home for an extended peiod of time can be quite stressful.

What you are hearing from your mother may be more a reflection of that and of her experience with visitors in the home, rather than a rejection of you or an indication that she doesn't love or want you.

Generally, there are two ways of managing family visits:

1. keep the visit short; or
2. arrrange accomodation nearby in a hotel or similar temporary accomodation, so that everyone maintains personal space, etc.

 

[rdw]

I also think this is a reflection of your mothers need for order and privacy and not a reflection of her feelings for you. How would you feel if she came to stay with you for six weeks? Would you be comfortable with that or would it make you feel anxious or nervous?
What happens if you tell your mother you love her first - does she respond positively?

 

[Jesse910]

You remind me of myself in some ways. I spent the majority of my life trying to get my mother to love me. Weeks before she died, she finally said it. And, while that was nice to hear, it came a little to late. I loved and love her to this day and there isn't anything I wouldn't have done for her. At your stage in live, it's more important that you live your life and love who you are. At some point, you may have to tell yourself that perhaps, your mother loves you as much as she can and move on. I agree with David's suggestion that if possible, you find other lodging instead of planning to stay in your mom's home. This takes the pressure off of everyone and if you get tired, you have a place to go. I always arrange for a hotel when I visit with family or friends. They don't feel like they have to entertain me and I don't feel like I'm under foot.

 

[desiderata]

I've been told many times the slights I have received from parents to "just let go of." I have but have not forgotten. At some point our parents have to wake up! I will always respect and honor my parents for giving me life but I just as you are an adult and deserve some reciprocation. You may have evolved beyond your mother's level. All we can do is hope that they get beyond their petty grievances and see the light. Don't go. Especially with your frame of mind being set as it is. Time is the great healer. Be bluntly honest with her w/o an attitude and say "I'd like to see you but don't want to be a burden." This is sometimes the only language some people understand.

 

[Blue Boris]

I also think this is a reflection of your mothers need for order and privacy and not a reflection of her feelings for you.

I disagree. This is his mother sub-communicating that she values her space and privacy more than she values helpnow's presence.

That is not to say that she doesn't value helpnow, just not as much as her own space and privacy.

 

[Fish_In_The_Sea]

I agree with others who said go but have your own space, at a hotel or something. Once you've moved out of your parents home, it's not really your home anymore, and as hard as it may be to accept sometimes, you have to respect the new life and routines they've created for themselves without you around.

So anyway, the holidays are pretty much over now. Did you go or not, and how did it all work out?