Hi! I don't really know what to say.
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago after 5years. He's 34 and I'm 27. I know I should be happy because there were many things wrong with our relationship. He is physically and emotionally abusive. He would lie about everything from his level of education to what he was doing at that moment. When I questioned a lie he told me I was psycho and threaten to leave me. He made me question everything I was thinking. He pursued other women, although he denies having a physical relationship, and it was my fault because I didn't make him feel good.
For the past year he's had a job where he's had to work every day, so we rarely saw each other. I became upset, lonely and angry, especially when I found out from friends that the time that he did have available to him was spent with everyone except me. I don't know why I'm so upset that we are not together. I find myself apologizing to him and trying to think of ways to make it right. I'm crying all the time, I don't feel like eating or getting out of bed.
It's made me think a lot about my relationships with people. My father began denying my existence when I was 6. My mother is emotionally unavailable. I was close with my grandparents but they're dead. I was not allowed to associate with males growing up. My first relationship was when I was 18 after my mom kicked me out. It lasted 3 years and it was a lot like my current relationship minus the physical abuse. When it ended I became a totally different person and made a lot of bad decisions. I drank a lot, and slept with a variety of men. As a result of my choices I was raped, I got an STD, and now cannot have children. I attempted suicide. I do realize these were all my own choices and I feel stupid. I feel even worse after this more recent breakup. I feel completely empty and abandoned. I feel like I pushed him away and that I'm not good enough. Logically I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't seem to stop.
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago after 5years. He's 34 and I'm 27. I know I should be happy because there were many things wrong with our relationship. He is physically and emotionally abusive. He would lie about everything from his level of education to what he was doing at that moment. When I questioned a lie he told me I was psycho and threaten to leave me. He made me question everything I was thinking. He pursued other women, although he denies having a physical relationship, and it was my fault because I didn't make him feel good.
For the past year he's had a job where he's had to work every day, so we rarely saw each other. I became upset, lonely and angry, especially when I found out from friends that the time that he did have available to him was spent with everyone except me. I don't know why I'm so upset that we are not together. I find myself apologizing to him and trying to think of ways to make it right. I'm crying all the time, I don't feel like eating or getting out of bed.
It's made me think a lot about my relationships with people. My father began denying my existence when I was 6. My mother is emotionally unavailable. I was close with my grandparents but they're dead. I was not allowed to associate with males growing up. My first relationship was when I was 18 after my mom kicked me out. It lasted 3 years and it was a lot like my current relationship minus the physical abuse. When it ended I became a totally different person and made a lot of bad decisions. I drank a lot, and slept with a variety of men. As a result of my choices I was raped, I got an STD, and now cannot have children. I attempted suicide. I do realize these were all my own choices and I feel stupid. I feel even worse after this more recent breakup. I feel completely empty and abandoned. I feel like I pushed him away and that I'm not good enough. Logically I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't seem to stop.
