I need to find a way to help myself

[crimsonpsychonaut]

I've been lurking here for a short period of time. A few days ago, I was looking at some self help books for depression, trying to find something relevant to me, when I came across a book about BPD. As I read the description and the symptoms, I felt a wave of almost relief go over me. The symptoms fit me perfectly, nearly every one. I've been diagnosed with depression, panic attacks (I've taken xanax, buspar, lexapro), anxiety disorders - but this was by a general practicioner that I often saw. I spent several hours researching and realizing that I fit the uneven mold of BPD pretty well.

I recognize in myself the fear of abandonment that have plauged me since childhood. I spent the first three years of my life in several different foster homes before I was adopted at the age of four by a set of those foster parents. I'm now 22, in college, with a great boyfriend, but estranged from my parents off and on for several years. I have trouble holding on to my connections with people. It's as though I either hold on to them for dear life or I push them away permanently. I've had different sets of friends, different boyfriends. I've also become a master at appearing capable when everything in reality is falling apart. (And by everything, I mean everything. Even now I'm in negative situations of my own making.)

I need to find a way to help myself. The depression, anxiety, fear of being left alone, and general chaos only seems to increase as I'm getting older. I realize that the peak is between eighteen and twenty five, so I suppose that makes sense. Anyway, I have someone in my life now for the first time that makes me want to help myself because I know he deserves better than this. We've been together about seven months, and our relationship is spectacular. But, because I know myself, I know that something will happen, something that I will do, to screw it up. I don't want that to happen.

Do those of you who've been in this situation have anything to recommend? Therapy? Omega-3? Self-help books?

(I realize I haven't had an official diagnosis yet...I'm on student insurance so I have to choose a psychiatrist from their list and I haven't seen one yet.)

 

[crimsonpsychonaut]

I've been lurking here for a short period of time. A few days ago, I was looking at some self help books for depression, trying to find something relevant to me, when I came across a book about BPD. As I read the description and the symptoms, I felt a wave of almost relief go over me. The symptoms fit me perfectly, nearly every one. I've been diagnosed with depression, panic attacks (I've taken xanax, buspar, lexapro), anxiety disorders - but this was by a general practicioner that I often saw. I spent several hours researching and realizing that I fit the uneven mold of BPD pretty well.

I recognize in myself the fear of abandonment that have plauged me since childhood. I spent the first three years of my life in several different foster homes before I was adopted at the age of four by a set of those foster parents. I'm now 22, in college, with a great boyfriend, but estranged from my parents off and on for several years. I have trouble holding on to my connections with people. It's as though I either hold on to them for dear life or I push them away permanently. I've had different sets of friends, different boyfriends. I've also become a master at appearing capable when everything in reality is falling apart. (And by everything, I mean everything. Even now I'm in negative situations of my own making.)

I need to find a way to help myself. The depression, anxiety, fear of being left alone, and general chaos only seems to increase as I'm getting older. I realize that the peak is between eighteen and twenty five, so I suppose that makes sense. Anyway, I have someone in my life now for the first time that makes me want to help myself because I know he deserves better than this. We've been together about seven months, and our relationship is spectacular. But, because I know myself, I know that something will happen, something that I will do, to screw it up. I don't want that to happen.

Do those of you who've been in this situation have anything to recommend? Therapy? Omega-3? Self-help books?

(I realize I haven't had an official diagnosis yet...I'm on student insurance so I have to choose a psychiatrist from their list and I haven't seen one yet.)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you do have access to a psychiatrist or psychologist through student insurance, I would recommend you try to set that up before jumping to conclusions. Self-diagnosis is rarely a good idea...

It certainly sound as though there may be some abandonment issues and/or an attachment disorder -- and it is possible that you meet the criteria for borderline personlity disorder. But I would not attempt to diagnose you at a distance and it isn't wise to diagnose yourself from a book. Much better to meet with a professional face-to-face and let him/her provide you with an opinion based on training and expertise.

In the meantime, if you want to do some more reading abput borderline personlaity disorder, try here as a starting point: http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/borderline.htm

There are also several posts here in the forum: click here

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you do have access to a psychiatrist or psychologist through student insurance, I would recommend you try to set that up before jumping to conclusions. Self-diagnosis is rarely a good idea...

It certainly sound as though there may be some abandonment issues and/or an attachment disorder -- and it is possible that you meet the criteria for borderline personlity disorder. But I would not attempt to diagnose you at a distance and it isn't wise to diagnose yourself from a book. Much better to meet with a professional face-to-face and let him/her provide you with an opinion based on training and expertise.

In the meantime, if you want to do some more reading abput borderline personlaity disorder, try here as a starting point: http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/borderline.htm

There are also several posts here in the forum: click here

 

[cycel]

Hello crimsonpsychonaut,


I'm also here in search for helpful experiences and knowledge from others and I've read your message.

In my view you seem to put the blame on yourself for things that happen in your life and that sounds too heavy; I'm 54 and I believe that there are not perfectly balanced people in the whole world. For me the difference between being OK and not-OK is the feeling one gets when doing something; people that seem to fit-in alright are not different from 'us'; they do the same things make the same mistakes, but usually blame others or the weather and get away clean.

In case it may be of any use to you, I am working on learning to rethink things, I mean realizing what thought causes me anxiety, depression, stress, whatever, and find alternative viable thoughts. Training myself to think things 'better'. I like reading very much and have found comfort and help in oriental philosophy and some spiritual search (as well as vitamin C and B!).

Looking for professional help is very wise; I've done it a number of times and feel proud of having had the guts to get over prejudices (mine) and open the door of a therapy room. Professionals are there because they are needed.

By the way, have you realized that you are a valuable human being just as you are?


Hugs,

Cycel

 

[joker]

crimsonpsychonaut,

I go through somewhat the same situation you do with friends/girlfriends. I can't say that I have a fear of being alone or that I have BPD. I've got bi-polar and I notice that when I go into the positive traits of mania I'll socialize with people. Sometimes I end up meeting people, but when I get depressed I won't want people around and when I have negative personality traits of mania I'll say whatever's on my mind and not care who I offend. I don't know if I can give the best advice, but I think that cycel has a good point about self-help books can be comforting and help you think things better. A novel that's about a character going through your situation could work too, samething with art and creativity. I'd definitley consider a prefessional. Good luck with your issue.

 

[joker]

crimsonpsychonaut,

I go through somewhat the same situation you do with friends/girlfriends. I can't say that I have a fear of being alone or that I have BPD. I've got bi-polar and I notice that when I go into the positive traits of mania I'll socialize with people. Sometimes I end up meeting people, but when I get depressed I won't want people around and when I have negative personality traits of mania I'll say whatever's on my mind and not care who I offend. I don't know if I can give the best advice, but I think that cycel has a good point about self-help books can be comforting and help you think things better. A novel that's about a character going through your situation could work too, samething with art and creativity. I'd definitley consider a prefessional. Good luck with your issue.