I really do not know what is my problem!

[sickofmylife]

I am 30 years old, I can not handle anything.
always confused.
I can't trust men. and I want to.
My stupid uncle made a Sexual harassment with me when I was 10.
Maybe you will think I am acting like a spoild child. But I really can not control my actions anymore. I want to destroy everything.
It is not allowed to talk and to express your anger.
I wish to die.
Stupid world we live in.

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks, and I am sorry to hear about the distress you are feeling. Have you ever discussed these feelings with your doctor ot received therapy for dealing with your childhood sexual abuse?

I wish to die

Are you saying you are considering suicide because of the distress you are currently feeling?

Let us continue this conversation to try to figure out a way that you can find some relief.

 

[Andy]

Welcome sickofmylife:2thumbs:

I'm sorry to hear that your struggling. I wonder the same thing as Steve. Do you have a therapist or even anyone you think you could trust to talk with? May I ask why your not able to talk about your anger? Is it because that is how you were raised or a cultural thing?

You are more than welcome to talk and express your anger here, as long as it's not toward anyone here of course . Maybe someone here can help you with some suggestions to improve your situation and it never hurts to just get stuff out. TC

 

[Yuray]

Stupid world we live in.

odd you should mention this. I said it once to someone and they asked what the reasons were. I came up with 6 reasons why the world was stupid. How many did you come up with?

 

[sickofmylife]

Thank you Steve, STP, Yuray,

I discussed these feelings when I was fifteen. To be honest, she was so stupid I think. She give Prozac as she said I am depressed, and told me to try to forget and let the life go on, but how can ignore something like that. In my society it is prohibited to talk about anything sexual happened. I wish I can talk, scream. I just want to feel better. I can not trust anybody, even my parents. My father prevents that creature from our life. I love my father and I hurt him a lot because what happened to me and I am sorry for what I did now, it is not dad fault.

I said I wish to die, because I am married now, and I just want to live in trust. My husband does not know anything, sham on me, I know. It is better to let this stupid secrete inside me. My husband is a really great man, but I always argue with him and fight, I am always scared, really. I can not remove these feelings. I suspect every man I see. Inside me, I believe that they are like animals. Really really sorry.

I am confused, can not concentrate on anything. I keep forgetting even small things. I studied at university and got B grade in most courses, now I forgote most things I studied, I am afraid to discover new things always. Can not talk properly. Get mad and panic very fast . can not sleep at night. even my skin, most of the time I am afraid to put some cream, my skin is very very dry. I am scared of something happen if I treat my self well.

I had an ugly skin and that hurts me too.

I see that I am not normal in most people eyes.

I am sorry.

In my religion if I killed my self I will go to hell, and that is preventing me. I don't want to suffer in both lives.

 

[Andy]

sickofmylife, I am answering this with complete ignorance to your culture and religion. There is no need to apologize.
First I'd like to say that what happened to you was NOT your fault either. No matter what the circumstances were. No one has the right to touch you without your consent, especially if your a child! That may not be the message that you get in your culture but that is not right.
From what you have said you really are in a tough spot. Do you have a close friend you can speak with? Your mother? I think you do need to talk to someone, or this will continue to eat at you even more.
If your ok with saying the country or general area your in, maybe someone here could find some resources in your area? There has got to be something.
I am thankful that you have your religion right now.

 

[Yuray]

In my religion if I killed myself I will go to hell, and that is preventing me. I don't want to suffer in both lives.

As an agnostic, this sentence you wrote defines to me in part the validity of religion. That your reason to remain alive is an extreme reason, it belies an underying wish to remain among the living, if only out of fear for the consequences. It's all uphill from here on. You came to the right place here at Psychlinks to begin the climb. Listen to what people in here say. They feel your pain, and offer their best, despite their being challenged at different levels of mental peace. You are among people like you, who deal with the chaos of life, and the formidable barriers it presents.

 

[sickofmylife]

STP, it is not acceptable to touch someone in my culture without consent, but when it is happen it is a lot of shame so no one ever talk about it because it hurts the whole family. It is not normal to talk about these things in my society, leaving it secret is better to the victim, and that what make others happy.

You asked me if I can talk to my mom, actually, I talked when I was 16, but I was angry. I want revenge more that talking. I still want that man to die. Or at least disappear from the family. I did not see him since more than 13 years , I think. But I am still not normal. I live in Middle East.

I want to feel confidence, not panic. I want to love others and trust them. I do not want to get angry fast, I want to act as an adult not like a spoiled and inexperienced person. I listen to relaxation audios usually. But there is something inside me keeps the fear and confusedness.

Thank you STP.

Yuary, I will try to express my self here. I think I feel a little bit better these days. It is good to say what is in your mind with no fear at all or embarrassments.

Thanks.

 

[Andy]

STP, it is not acceptable to touch someone in my culture without consent, but when it is happen it is a lot of shame so no one ever talk about it because it hurts the whole family. It is not normal to talk about these things in my society, leaving it secret is better to the victim, and that what make others happy.

You asked me if I can talk to my mom, actually, I talked when I was 16, but I was angry. I want revenge more that talking. I still want that man to die. Or at least disappear from the family. I did not see him since more than 13 years , I think. But I am still not normal. I live in Middle East.

I want to feel confidence, not panic. I want to love others and trust them. I do not want to get angry fast, I want to act as an adult not like a spoiled and inexperienced person. I listen to relaxation audios usually. But there is something inside me keeps the fear and confusedness.

Thank you STP.

Hi sickofmylife,

I didn't mean to insinuate that touching someone inappropriately was acceptable. I was meaning that the fact that it's not talked about and is considered shameful, suggests otherwise. If it's not talked about then it's unknown, if it's unknown then it makes it an easier crime to commit. Making others happy should be the last thing a victim should have to worry about. I hope you understand what I mean. I understand we are from completely different cultures so if any of that is offensive, I apologize.

I was wondering, if you have the means to do online therapy? That would be something that no one would have to know about.