[Trigger] I remember ... my body remembers...

[Raina]

Hi,

I am in the emergency stage of PTSD and am remembering a lot of the trauma that happened...I have been molested sexually since I was three years old by babysitters, strangers, my father, uncles, friends of the family, raped at 18...I just seemed to have a sign pinned to my forehead saying "feel free to tamper with me sexually"....so every mean man out there targeted me...life was scary.

I just got myself to a point where I am in my own place...I have tons of locks on my front door and locks on my bedroom door to feel safe...in fact i put a lock on every single door in my apartment except for my bathroom door because I don't think I'm allowed...needless to say safety was and is a major deal for me.

When I moved in...I was happy but then I started hearing voices and they played on my every fear...I fought them...meds did not help and there were no groups or anything so I devised methods to stand up to them...i did all kinds of things like talking back...like mimicking what they said and then eventually I stopped doing what they said and only did what I wanted to...I also started praying and meditating and in my meditation I would say that they are gone and I would believe it with everything in me....they went away a month ago...so for a month I have experienced no trauma whatsoever...whew...but my body and mind are releasing all pent up fear, rage, hurt, hate everything...so I am spending a lot of time at home with no desire to go out...I go to church sometimes but last time I went I was not able to concentrate on the mass...my thoughts were on past abuse...I am writing down everything I remember and have been for the last three years...it feels like a cleansing.

I had this experience that I could not believe...as I wrote...I had an image of my words on paper putting back together the pieces of my tattered soul...it was uncanny...it was a vision I saw for a moment which gave me hope and I just kept on writing...

Needless to say this is a painful time...I have a mental health team. I have a social worker, a case manager and a psychiatrist that I see often and am on meds. I am reading through the book Courage to heal and am doing the exercises in the workbook...I applied for CPP Disability Benefits but they turned me down...I appealed and am waiting for their final decision ...should be getting it any time now...I am also signed up for group therapy in the fall which I am looking forward to...I have been isolated all summer and that was not a bad thing...I felt so bad that i did not really want to be around people...now I have written and written and talked into my digital tape recorder and watched tv on dvd as a distraction and went to church...I have also gained 20 pounds this summer because with the memories come overwhelming rage, dispair, pain, hurt and fear and to soothe myself I eat a lot of carbohydrates.

I'm doing all I can and am plugged into the system but words cannot express the discomfort....I look on the bright side and say that the voices are gone so I have quiet in the head...that is a major relief so now i can process things mentally....when they were pummelling me I thought only when i wrote or when I talked into my digital tape recorder and also when I met with my social worker and case manager....

I know that it is work and I am doing it but does it every hurt .... I have committed to not giving up but will be happy to get to the last stage of healing from PTSD(physical abuse, neglect, verbal abuse, mental torture) and childhood, adolescent and adult sexual abuse. With the voices pounding at me I did not think there was any hope for me but now that they are quiet (I pray they stay that way)....I feel I can do the work needed to try to heal my life...

I guess I can sum up my life in one word "ouch!"

 

[Prophet]

It seems as if this method of dealing with your past is really working for you. But I could not help but notice that writing helps you as well.

"I am writing down everything I remember and have been for the last three years...it feels like a cleansing."

I think you should keep up what you are doing, but maybe start writing more. When problems get to me in my life, I just sit down and write, and it really helps!

 

[Raina]

Hi,

Thanks...I go through periods where I can write a lot and other times when I can only write a few words but I write every day...in fact that is the first thing I do every morning...in 2010...i was writing non-stop...I could not stop...I just kept on going....then it is as though my brain took a break and now I am writing a lot again...glad writing helps you too...for years I wanted to write but was blocked then in 2008 it was like a dam burst and the words came pouring out...strangely I can feel as if my head is full of words, pain, memories...and I just know that if I keep writing I will eventually feel lighter...writing has also given me the opportunity to process a lot of things that I was unable to process...I was forgetting things that happened the minute they happened and could never process how things made me feel or strategize as to what I would do in that situation the next time...I am slowly developing that ability and I thank writing for that...

Your advice is good...I need to write more...I did not write nearly enough this summer....but it looks like yet another dam has broken and I am able to write a lot again...good news...my head is all cluttered...

 

[Jazzey]

hi Raina,

I'm so sorry you have gone through all that you have. I relate to a lot that you've written. The past experiences, rape etc. Let me reassure you that it does get better. You never quite forget, but it gets easier and you can start hoping again. Start imagining a life that isn't quite saturated with those thoughts. It just takes time, and work...

I understand the isolation of it all. If you can, find a close friend and go out with that one person. The isolation is natural but it tends to send you in a vortex sometimes. So there will be days where you should force yourself to see that one trusted friend. Even if it's only for 20 mins. That's what I've done in the past...Warned that trusted friend that I needed to have human contact but, that I couldn't guarantee good conversation or a long time. I was lucky, my friend was close enough to me that the friend could be with me in the same room, not even talking...but just being there...and grounding me back in life in some measure...

one of the other things that saved me a little from my mind - walking. There were some days where it was torture to even think of leaving my home. So I always negotiated in my brain...5 mins. I need to be outside only 5 mins. And then I can go home. On bad days, it was only 5 mins. On better days, once I was out there, I would work up to 20.

The PTSD does dissipate a little over time. In the meantime, you may have to force yourself to do many things that are really uncomfortable to you. But in my experience, once I'm out and doing it, I'm ok. It's just forcing myself to do it that is hard.

I've also been reading a book that you may find helpful...

Amazon.com: Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress (9781886968097): Elizabeth G. Vermilyea: Books

It's a workbook for PTSD. I've only started it. But it seems to have good idea.

good luck, my thoughts are with you.

 

[Raina]

Hi,

Those are really good suggestions....wow...I can use them all and will look up the book...I had to talk myself into going grocery shopping over a three day period but I went today.

The only person supporting me right now is one friend...there are other people that I talk to on facebook that I met through groups but we are not close. My friend lives in another town so we only see each other twice a year....the next visit is in November...but e-mail and phone calls happen sometimes and more often lately...she is lonely too and isolated so we support each other from a great distance.

I really have to push myself starting tomorrow to go walking...good idea to give myself time frames...I have been staying home not wanting to go anywhere or do anything really. I never thought of just saying five to ten minutes...I always thought I had to go for at least half an hour and that was overwhelming so I stayed in....another reason for staying in is there are men in the building that I live in that I don't want to bump into but as you said I have to learn to deal with that and be uncomfortable...

I really needed to start doing different things so I am glad you wrote...thanks

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow, Raina and Displaced, you are true survivors. Raina, when you say you are "plugged into the system" does that mean you have someone you can talk to about all this? I hope you have a therapist or someone to help you through these things! I was very grateful to have a good therapist myself. I had some issues with molestation, but in a sense I am lucky it wasn't all the time (only when my immediate family went to visit their extended family on holidays and such)... On the other hand, when your own mother makes it sound like what happened might have been your fault and she stands up and empathizes for the abuser instead of her own daughter, that doesn't make things any better, that's for sure. 8P

You have been through so much trauma, and just in case it was never explained to you and Displaced, remember what happened was nothing to do with you. Men who take advantage of young girls, those are the ones with the problems. Power trips, sick, etc. Oh it makes me so MAD! And then because it happened in family, you grow up in that environment, trying to survive, so your survival methods might cause patterns that make you think it's all your fault, but it ISN'T. OK? It is just that you will eventually or have started taking steps to change the way you think about relationships, and rearranging who you can trust, etc. Like I've said many times before, sometimes depending on who you were raised by or what happened when you were a child, as an adult your filters (what relationships have danger signs and red flags and which are safe) need adjusting. When you are used to being abused, you just automatically get drawn to the familiar, and stick with that, because that's all you know. So it's quite an adjustment, but I know it's doable. I know because I have an extremely supportive husband who respects me and loves me!

 

[Raina]

I am so happy that you have a husband that loves and respects you....I want to fulfill my academic potential and work in psychology or social work but only after I have healed enough that my issues are not so big like that are now...that is my dream...and to have friends both men and women...

I think the abuse hurt more because I was not looking for male attention...all I wanted was to read a good book...I liked fitness and I liked dressing up just because...

I understand that it is not my fault and you are right trust is a major issue right now especially with men but also women...

So sad that you did not get someone to stand up for you when you were little....and yes I know how that hurts...really bad...my niece was touched inappropriately and her mom became like a tigress to protect her as did all of us...so she will have a whole different experience healing from it than I do...wish all moms were like that...

Yes...I do have a social worker and a case manager and a psychiatrist who is ready to admit me to hospital at the slightest chance of a slip back down that slippery slope ... I get frustrated with them sometimes because they just don't understand me a lot of the time...they don,t have a history of abuse so they tend to minimize my experience sometimes or be tough on me when I need someone to be gentle and just to support me and take my side...despite my frustration sometimes I am glad they are there ....sometimes all I get to do is vent but I accept that....it is better than having no outlet at all...

My major problem with my social worker is that she thinks that for me to be healed I need to be in a relationship with a man but that is not a need for me...I would much rather academic achievement and lots of girlfriends to chat with, go out hiking with or just hang out with....I don't need someone to tell me I am pretty or that they find me desireable...that upsets me ... it always has...I know that makes me a little different but I accept my eccentricity that way and think there is room in the world for a gal like me that prefers to read a romance rather than have one...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I am glad to hear you have good support... Or at least as good as you can get right now... That must be maddening that these professionals seem to minimize things. I hope they don't mean to come across that way, but they probably do! lol I guess as long as your wellness is their intention, if you keep reminding yourself of that... But don't forget to tell them when you feel they are minimizing things, because maybe they need to be told that is how you feel.

Yeah, I don't understand why some people think everyone in the world HAS to pair off, I mean, yes, ultimately we are hardwired I guess for pairing off, but all in good time. I mean, let it happen naturally, right? Lots of people are alone and not lonely, and the way it worked for me was I stopped looking. lol

Anyways, some people feel they can "fix" you even when you don't need fixing, so hopefully that is not the case with the social worker. Have you asked her why she thinks you need a relationship with a man, or does she just "not get" you? Some people who have always had good relationships, or who are naive sometimes don't get that a person needs a bit of time to oneself...

 

[Raina]

She is just trying to get me to her way of thinking. I guess she has had good experiences and believes that it is possible for everybody. She does not get that I want a single lifestyle in the pursuit of learning and fellowship with people...not romance...she just can't wrap her head around that because it is not the norm. She went as far as saying that I am going against the grain but I told her I don't care. Whenever I think of myself with someone I get totally stressed out and feel like I am choking just at the thought of it...when I think of myself as single for the rest of my life I feel energized and hopeful...that is how I know single is the best course for me...

I try to stay positive but it is tough...every time I come out of a session with her..when I think back I get upset or angry...I just can't be myself...she always says the wrong things or comes up with ideas that are so far from what I am capable of that I just shake my head. I have gone as far as putting my name on waiting lists for other therapists ... I read in this book that in a relationship with the therapist she has to help you formulate your own plan for yourself led by you as long as it is legal and not harmful to anyone and my not wanting a relationship is legal and not harmful to anyone....lots of girls are jealous of how I look so I look at it as one less woman for them to have to worry about...lol...i don't know...

I am hurting so much right now..in this moment...I am soothing myself but it is not working...I just keep telling myself that this is part of the journey that it will get better....but does it ever hurt...this healing from PTSD is not easy and so unbelievably painful...I see my social worker on Tuesday...have no idea how it will go...I am more looking forward to group therapy in the fall...I'll get to meet new people and I am taking a writing course because I love writing...everybody keeps thinking that I would write about my life but I have an active imagination and can go totally outside of myself...I can create characters that are totally unlike me .... I guess that happens because I used fantasy as a coping mechanism...now I can write it...lol...

 

[Daniel E.]

I am hurting so much right now..in this moment...I am soothing myself but it is not working...

BTW, a point by Marsha Linehan is that self-soothing relaxation techniques may not make one feel better, but they can help one get through the moment, such as during a crisis. Similarly, mindfulness approaches "do not aim at symptom reduction" but "can be used to change reaction(s) toward unwanted experiences."

 

[Raina]

You're right...except for eating which always makes me feel better in the short run and gets me fat in the long run...

 

[Always Changing]

Maybe you can use your skill of creating characters to create one now, a character that would epitomise a soothing person (or thing) who\ that could maybe want nothing only to see you comforted in some way. How would that character \thing look to you.?

 

[Raina]

Great idea....i can do that...thanks...this note came when I was seriously thinking about eating...creativity trumps eating...you're the best...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I am glad you are still looking for someone with a more open and worldly view of things. On the other hand, you may be perfectly capable of doing some of the things she suggests, it's just that you don't want to do them right this minute. There is a difference. You may be able to form a relationship, but you choose not to right now. I don't know how I would force myself into meeting men that I don't feel I want to meet anyway. I wouldn't either. Who knows? You might meet someone someday and you will feel safe with him. It may have to be a friendship to start with, which is how I think the best relationships are formed anyway. But I agree that if you don't feel a connection with a therapist, it is sometimes better to get a new therapist.

I'm a bit leery right now, too, about relationships. I don't have so much of a problem with men, believe it or not. It's with women. lol But then that is because of the way my mother is, I am sure. Although my husband says he disagrees, I don't think very much of my looks, I'm a tee-shirt and jeans kind of person. I feel uncomfortable and phony in a dress. I feel fake with makeup (and have sensitive eyes, so I hate eye makeup lol). The only thing I really do indulge myself with is my hair. I get it straightened and coloured and styled really nice every couple of months. I even feel guilty about that when I get the bill, but my husband encourages me, because it does make me feel good about myself (aside from how expensive it is), and he points out that if he added up all the stuff he did for himself in a month it would cost as much as my hair appointment that I get every 2-3 months. So there you go... As long as it's fair! lol

 

[Daniel E.]

My major problem with my social worker is that she thinks that for me to be healed I need to be in a relationship with a man

Does she actually say that? Maybe it's something to discuss with her to clarify where she is coming from.

---------- Post added at 05:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:30 PM ----------

To add to Jolly's point:

Your recovery has nothing to do with whether men (or “malekind”) are redeemed in your eyes. Recovery is not about getting you to accept malekind. Frankly, it’s YOU who have been doing the work, so the ultimate goal is your acceptance of yourself. If, along the way, you begin to notice that good men exist, then great—but that is an eventual outcome, not the goal. If you leave therapy with me (a male therapist!) and still feel conflicted toward men, that’s perfectly fine. I’d rather you give trust too slowly than too quickly. You are not at fault simply because you recognize that not all men deserve to be partners in your recovery.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-tra.../27368-free-book-resurrection-after-rape.html

 

[Raina]

Tee-shirt and jeans are great...and you probably don't need make-up....I remember the days when I would not leave home without putting some on...now I put none on and feel perfectly fine.

Good for you getting your hair done...I think we should all do something to make ourselves feel better. I wish you did not feel guilty...wish you could feel good each time...glad your husband encourages you...that is wonderful...

I think it is wonderful too that you can have relationships with men....and hope that in the future you can get that same satisfaction and success in your relationships with women....I am hopeful that one day i can have positive interactions with men but I don't see it happening in the near future...I am in too much pain....but it is on my list of things that I want to accomplish some day...friendships and fellowship though ... as I was doing an exercise that was suggested to me online I realized that I just needed to be held in this moment...so I hugged my giant teddy bear and felt better...someone gave him to me in hospital as a gift when I told them that I needed something to hug...since I am so tall they gave me a giant one ... never had a teddy bear as a kid...sometimes I think it is my inner child that craves so many things that I did not have as a child...

I believe that just being a woman is beautiful...we are the flowers of the human race and come in many varieties all with our own unique beauty...a woman in jeans and a tee shirt is just as beautiful as a woman in a ball gown it just depends on where you are and who is looking...

Thanks for your kind words...they help...

 

[Daniel E.]

. I have gone as far as putting my name on waiting lists for other therapists ...

It's generally advised that if you feel that strongly about something interfering with your relationship with your therapist, you need to let your therapist know, even if you plan to leave your therapist anyway.

Additionally, being assertive in that way can be therapeutic.

In other words, don't try to be "good":

The World's Best Therapy Client | Psychology Today

 

[Raina]

Daniel she actually says that...she went as far as saying that if I don't get in a relationship with a man I am making a mistake and not living life to the fullest....so it is not a question of clarity...she is trying to change my path and I won't let her and told her so. For a long time I did what other people said and took other people's advice...it took a long time before I realized that I had to start listening to myself because the consequences are my own to suffer and suffer I did every time I interacted in a way that was contrary to the way i feel and how I was told was the norm.

I have met girls that say they have never been considered by a guy....that no guy has shown the slightest interest and they are in their thirties...they want to be partnered....I get attention and don't want it....I find it very distressing. I have seen girls at work very happy with all kinds of interactions with both men and women...I have had women express a sexual interest in me too...I said no and they backed off and still talked to me...i can go on and on...but I am looking around because I think my social worker is not acting in my best interest when she says that...it gets in the way of our work together....if we did not focus so much on that and talked about what hurts...and ways to approach the many issues that I have I would feel a lot better about my time with her...personally I think it should be a non-issue with her of all people. I can understand a parent wanting grandchildren...that tale is as old as time...but she has no vested interest in my actions so the time we spend arguing about that part of my life i find to be distressing and not at all productive

 

[Daniel E.]

she went as far as saying that if I don't get in a relationship with a man I am making a mistake and not living life to the fullest....

Is she saying you should be in a relationship in the next few months or year? Or just eventually?

 

[Raina]

I have told her Daniel and actually had to take a break from seeing her for about two months because she upset me so much....I went back because I looked at it as an opportunity for growth like to you said...being assertive and holding my ground...but it is not changing...she knows I am looking around ...

---------- Post added at 06:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:03 PM ----------

She is saying now as I am in treatment...or anytime....by the way it took me 42 years to realize that this is the best path for me...I am twice divorced so it is not like I have no experience...I felt trapped both times and went through the motions said the things I was expected to say did the things I was expected to do but it is just not for me...