I want my life back but it's harder than I thought it would be

[Hunter]

So I have worked from the time I was 16 to age 50. First as an admin person but 30 years as a web designer which I am good at...or I was good at. I haven't worked in 2 years because of mental health issues. My brain could just not function well enough for me to go back. Three years before that I was in a four car pileup where I basically had to learn how to walk again. I have collapsed vertebrates in my neck, fracture in my tailbone and broken bones in my back. I worked my butt off going to physical rehab for 2 years to be able to feel somewhat better, but am still in so much chronic pain. I applied for a web designer job and the HR said my resume was very impressive and they wanted me on their team. But first I had to design a simple website which years ago would take me 1 hour. Today I sat in front of their computer and I was completely blank. Its like my brain and education and years of experience was gone. I could absolutely not do anything. I was horrified and left the interview in tears. I have no idea what happened. Why did this happen to me? What caused it? I've been trying to get my life my career back. Now what job am I going to get. I am sick and tired of being home all day, and I'm sick of my husband telling me to rest. I am a total failure. I want my income back. It kills me that I am not working. I am getting $ 1500 per month in disability. I used to make that in a week. All I am seeing in my brain is nothing but negative talk, that I'm useless and a loser and worthless. I hate that my husband is the main breadwinner. He tells me to give myself time. Well how much more bloody time do I need. Is this just a mental block? I am really scared so any replies are welcome and appreciated.

 

[Daniel E.]

Have you looked into vocational rehab? The more social support you have regarding employment, such as from a vocational rehab service, the less difficult it will be to seek and maintain work.

In my experience, most therapists are not very good as social workers when it comes to helping clients with employment. This is one of my pet peeves about therapists given that employment is often the first thing to go with acute/severe mental illness. Therapists do not even refer people to vocational rehab services, usually.

An example of vocational rehab:

Canada Pension Plan Disability Benefit - Vocational Rehabilitation Program - Canada.ca

(In the US, we have the "Ticket to Work" program for those on SSDI/SSI that provides monetary incentives to vocational rehab programs for individual successes. The program I joined sent me monthly bonus checks for staying employed and reimbursed me for therapy, gas, clothing, resume services, etc. It worked well for three years until I burned out again, getting paid minimum wage as a caregiver -- except for overtime. So I decided to go to graduate school instead, using financial aid.)

 

[Hunter]

Good program.. unfortunately I am not on CPP disability.

 

[Daniel E.]

Are you eligible for financial aid in Canada for getting more education/training?

Here, there is also a free job placement center (run by each local government) that provides referrals to any applicable government agencies. They are like a "one stop shop" for finding out what is available regarding training/education, vocational rehab, financial support, etc. You are assigned a social worker to help you, including with testing to see what jobs/careers you may be best at.

 

[Hunter]

I will look into it...I need a employer who will understand my mental health issues. My last employer was not. I was fired after working with then for 10 years when I had my accident..said I was unreliable...fuck...I nearly died. I should have sued them for discrimination but was too hurt to fight them.

 

[Daniel E.]

I am getting $ 1500 per month in disability. I used to make that in a week.

In US dollars, that is about $1,180. So if you had a low-enough cost of living, you could live on that by yourself if needed -- though that would not exactly be a dream come true (to put it mildly). In other words, like your therapist seems to suggest, you may be able to afford to not have to "white knuckle" a transition to working -- taking baby steps instead to avoid burnout.

Personally, I would always prefer to work part-time rather than full-time until comfortable with the nature of the job. At least historically, the problem with most disability income programs is there no financial incentive to work part-time unless one is making well-above minimum wage. That is why a lot of people do odd jobs or work for friends/family (under the table) until able to work more -- a baby-step approach.

 

[Daniel E.]

I am a total failure...

All I am seeing in my brain is nothing but negative talk, that I'm useless and a loser and worthless.

A number of people I know or have known are on disability. They have worked full time in the past but not now. They may work part time or do odd jobs but feel burned out and incompatible with an uncaring workforce. So that you are even trying to go back to work at some point is a sign you are getting better and doing your best -- rather than something to put yourself down about.

Also:

The Pros and Cons of Social Comparison

The Serve and Limit of Social Comparison Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors (AIPC), Counselling Connection August 24, 2018 Maggie, a counsellor, saw a client in the morning who related how his doctor had just given him a diagnosis of cancer, necessitating cutting out some...

forum.psychlinks.ca

Ultimately, life is a journey, not a destination...It is better, as we have seen from the included research, to humbly focus on our own lives with gratefulness and an acknowledgement that life on Planet Earth isn’t about always having more, or having perfection. What we have (in the western developed world, anyway) is generally enough. What we are is enough. Remind your clients of Roosevelt’s wise saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy” (Battles, 2018).

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Have you thought about augmenting your disability as a work-from-home entrepreneur?

Take a look at this site for some ideas (I don't own the site but I am the main administrator there):

BizWarriors Small Business & Entrepreneur Forum

Looking to start or grow your business? Connect with other small business owners and entrepreneurs at the BizWarriors forum where YOU can ask all of your small business questions.

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