More threads by Jesse910

I'm new to this website. Yet, I've lived with BP for a very long time. Medications have been solid for several years with little variations. Currently, I've had an increase in one of the meds and had another added so I can sleep. My stress level is way out of whack. My spouse and I are dealing with finances and other areas of our marriage that need to be resolved [we're in counseling] and a parent recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure [and I'm on-call to her as needed]. I have always been able to work which is a saving grace. I also have a 7 year-old child. I write because I've been on an emotional roller coaster for months with no end in sight. Just as I put out one fire, another crops up. And, in trying to manage the stress, I find myself wishing that I wasn't here. The thoughts are hard to tune out. I've tried before so death doesn't scare me per se. I've leveled with my therapist and she is encouraging me to stay in communication with her. I'm not a clingy/needy person so this is hard. Taking care of myself is very important. It has taken me over a year to feel safe and trust her. Trust and trying to feel safe has been very hard. I don't like needing people. I want to stay current and work with my therapist, but I don't want to depend upon her. Being on control is equally important. Honest to God, I'm scared to death because at times, I feel as though my head is going to burst.

On the outside, no one would ever know that I suffer from anything because I work to conceal it. BP is a curse for me and I'm still embarrassed by it. I like keeping things in check and not letting things get out. In contrast, I can take care of other people who are having a rough time and be there with them. It's very hard to allow them to reciprocate. I don't want to be viewed as weak. Additionally, being vulnerable is not my idea of a fun time. I realize that I've taken up a lot of space here, but have others experienced what I'm feeling? What has worked for you? Thank you for listening.


David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Welcome to the forum, Jesse.

I know there are one or two other members here who will be able to relate to your experiences.

I can identify with the feeling of being able to help other people but having difficulty accepting the idea of wanting or needing another person's help yourself. The key, of course, is to understand that allowing someone else to help you is not a matter of weakness but actually a sign of strength.
Thank you very much for your response David. You're right that being able to receive assistance is a sign of strength. Currently, I'm just trying to rest my mind and my body. I've had some sleep, but I'm still wiped out. Hopefully, things will even out.



One thing I try to keep in mind is that accepting help from others is really giving a gift. If I'm able to help another, I feel good about being able to do so. That person has given me the gift of knowing I'm useful. To give that gift to someone else is not a bad thing, but a good thing.

As much stress as you're currently undergoing, it's not surprising that your head feels it will burst. Try to take a bit of time for yourself here and there. Take a long walk. Go to your "quiet place" and read a book, or pursue a hobby. If you don't have a "quiet place", make one. Make it clear that you're not to be interrupted while in that place unless the sky is, literally, falling!

I've got a lot going on in my life, as well, so I understand the difficulties. Just stick with the plan to make time for yourself, be open and honest with your counsellor (and realize that she gains as much from being able to help you as you gain from being helped), and congratulate yourself for a job well done at the end of each day. It's just as important to give praise to ourselves as it is to give praise to others.
Thanks also to "That Lady." Once I can lay down and get some additional sleep, I hope to have more energy to be able to think clearly. I don't feel panicky right now and I don't feel suicidal at this point which is good. My body is just shot to hell and I need sleep. My husband and child are with me and that is a good thing. I just need to know that they are around today.

Thank you again for writing. It does help to not feel alone.

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