I'm new to this website. Yet, I've lived with BP for a very long time. Medications have been solid for several years with little variations. Currently, I've had an increase in one of the meds and had another added so I can sleep. My stress level is way out of whack. My spouse and I are dealing with finances and other areas of our marriage that need to be resolved [we're in counseling] and a parent recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure [and I'm on-call to her as needed]. I have always been able to work which is a saving grace. I also have a 7 year-old child. I write because I've been on an emotional roller coaster for months with no end in sight. Just as I put out one fire, another crops up. And, in trying to manage the stress, I find myself wishing that I wasn't here. The thoughts are hard to tune out. I've tried before so death doesn't scare me per se. I've leveled with my therapist and she is encouraging me to stay in communication with her. I'm not a clingy/needy person so this is hard. Taking care of myself is very important. It has taken me over a year to feel safe and trust her. Trust and trying to feel safe has been very hard. I don't like needing people. I want to stay current and work with my therapist, but I don't want to depend upon her. Being on control is equally important. Honest to God, I'm scared to death because at times, I feel as though my head is going to burst.
On the outside, no one would ever know that I suffer from anything because I work to conceal it. BP is a curse for me and I'm still embarrassed by it. I like keeping things in check and not letting things get out. In contrast, I can take care of other people who are having a rough time and be there with them. It's very hard to allow them to reciprocate. I don't want to be viewed as weak. Additionally, being vulnerable is not my idea of a fun time. I realize that I've taken up a lot of space here, but have others experienced what I'm feeling? What has worked for you? Thank you for listening.
Jesse
On the outside, no one would ever know that I suffer from anything because I work to conceal it. BP is a curse for me and I'm still embarrassed by it. I like keeping things in check and not letting things get out. In contrast, I can take care of other people who are having a rough time and be there with them. It's very hard to allow them to reciprocate. I don't want to be viewed as weak. Additionally, being vulnerable is not my idea of a fun time. I realize that I've taken up a lot of space here, but have others experienced what I'm feeling? What has worked for you? Thank you for listening.
Jesse
