I was just a child ...

[Darkside]

Last night I had a vivid dream about confronting my abusers. When I awoke I remember thinking these words, "how could you, I was just a child."

In the dream I was sitting at a table with my mother and my sister. My brother and father were not there. (they were abusers too, but both are dead) There was another male at the table and he was supporting me. I couldn't see this person clearly to recognize who it was but it seems like it was an older cousin. I know that in the symbology of dreams this older male is probably a projection of my adult self. As I confronted my mother and sister (don't remember specifics about what I said) my mother's image seemed to fade from the dream and my sister became the main focus. She became angry and denied what I was saying and got up from the table. At first I let her go but then I pursued her down a crowded sidewalk. I had trouble catching up to her, but when I did catch up to her I began to tear some papers that I had in my hand ... I ripped them to shreds and either dropped them at her feet or threw them at her.

There are some other details I have forgotten, but the theme of the dream was confronting abusers. I have never had a dream like that before but it actually has had a calming effect on me this morning and it confirms that I was actually abused. Clearly the abuse is buried in my subconscious and some of it I don't remember. But the dream was vivid and it was emotional -- even passionate. For the past year or so, and particularly the past few months, I have been struggling consciously with whether I was really abused or if maybe I was just a bad child, but to experience a dream like this convinces me that these people (my family) really were cruel to each other and to me. These things have distorted my adult life (angry and paranoid a lot) and I think my subconscious was telling me, "yes, it really happened and you were JUST a child, but it's going to be okay."

 

[Cat Dancer]

There's something profoundly sad and yet so true about the phrase "I was just a child..." I'm sorry you went through bad stuff.

 

[GDPR]

I'm sorry you went through bad stuff too.

It amazes me how the mind works and protects us from abuse. And I have always heard that our mind will allow us to remember when we are ready to handle it. Maybe you're headed in that direction.

 

[AmZ]

So sorry to hear this too. It's so painful to hear.

I REALLY hope that you find some peace from all of this destruction and that you become a stronger person for YOU and recover from this torment that you must be going through still, all these years later.

Feel good. All the best.

 

[Darkside]

I'm sorry you went through bad stuff too.

It amazes me how the mind works and protects us from abuse. And I have always heard that our mind will allow us to remember when we are ready to handle it. Maybe you're headed in that direction.

Thanks. I hope so.

Today was interesting. My 92 year old mother fell and broke her hip. I have POA so I have to sign everything and make arrangements for her care. (I'd rather not, but I don't have much choice.) She had surgery this week and today went to skilled nursing for rehab so I had to go sign her in. (She has dementia too.) Tonight I went back to check on her and had to listen to her complain and ramble on. She talks like she knows everything and is on top of everything but is mostly delirious. I have absolutely no sympathy and or empathy for her at all. I can fake it, but I don't feel it. Every time I see her I walk away thinking I must be a horrible person because I don't have any empathy for her.

On my way home I get a text message from my sister giving me unsolicited advice. She has not lifted a finger to help but sits in her house 100 miles away, says she is coming but never shows up and gives me advice by email and text. This advice was more of a warning that said I was at risk of becoming just like my mother.

Grrrrrrrrr .....

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So sorry to hear this too. It's so painful to hear.

I REALLY hope that you find some peace from all of this destruction and that you become a stronger person for YOU and recover from this torment that you must be going through still, all these years later.

Feel good. All the best.

Thank you. I hope you are doing okay and starting to feel better.

 

[W00BY]

I had the exact same reaction and the exact same sensation during my therapy.

IN FACT it was one of the first sensations that I "Let" myself feel.

The only way I could describe it was almost a feeling sorry for ones self and not in the sarcastic trivialize a problem sense, a real heart felt sorrow as if all the sobbing and crying I desperately needed to do as a child and was not allowed to just burst out of me.

I was very unnerved by it at first and also because of your conditioning of being nothing and not being worth attention etc you still feel you should not be having what you have been taught is a self indulgent feeling, but it was so intense and that was my exact thought in my head...

I was just a child, how could you have did that to me?

I won't lie that sensation lingered a while and would pop it's head up now and again through therapy, looking back now I feel it was grieving for a childhood that never was and certainly the sensation you are describing was the first step in that grieving process for me.

It also was a direct result of the the therapy working and myself working hard during the sessions so really big non-patonising pats on the back at yah darkside

It's not easy but worth it all I can advise you is I was left with pangs of utter sense of loss and anger and the only way to process it was to have a really good cry, at first I was very uncomfortable and whether I like it or not as these sensations and memories welled up I had no control over whether I cried or not, but now I just let it come get me.

I know what it is now it, it lifts those memories takes them and puts them where they should be and lifts that awful crap placed upon you at such a young age and removes it from your shoulders.

And when the dreams and nightmares come I just let them be, you are not that person anymore.

 

[Darkside]

Thanks W00BY. I won't lie ... not having any compassion worries me. I don't want to be like them. I want to be a genuine, real person and I don't mind if that means I cry or scream ... I just want to be me. I know there is a real person inside my heart who really wants to come out, but that person is afraid. I think I am afraid of showing compassion because in the past it meant being manipulated. It was as though true emotion was a sign of weakness and brought out the worst in other family members.

As a result of all this I think I have closed myself off ... maybe too much.

I still cry, but usually when I am alone.

Like you, most of my sadness/grief is about the childhood I never had, the parents I never had and the brother and sister I never had.

It all seems so sick and twisted but all I can do is try to recover "my self" and go on.

 

[Lonewolf]

I too was a child, but 'his' learning disabilities seem to be more important to them! I have always believed 'he' knew exactly what 'he' and 'his friend' were doing to me! but is that a good excuse? Am i really to blame? 'he' is 7 years older than me! I have always been held responsible for the fallout! Anyone understand? Anyone help me?mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

I an so sorry for your experiences, Reeper...

When any person violates our boundaries we are never ever responsible for what they have done or whatever happens after!! Never!

And even if someone has a disability of some sort, it is still not okay for our safety and space to not be protected! It is the responsibility of the adults in the situation to make sure ALL the young people under their care have safety, security and boundaries protected. Whatever problems some of them might or might not have, those are still NOT more important than those basic rights and safety for each child. Especially it has to be ensured that a younger child is not vulnerable because of their age or size, etc!

There are all kinds of reasons why the right and healthy attitudes and actions are not taken by certain adults. But they are NOT good or healthy reasons! Sometimes bad things happened to them, but they never got healing. So they repeat big errors in judgment and viewpoint. But it is still not right.

And it is not your fault and it is not because you were less important or less worthy. It is because people have problems and wrong viewpoints and should have done better for you.

Ask for as much support as you need and stay in healthy places, with people who have healthy attitudes, who can remind you that it wasnt you who was wrong, and that you can get healing from this and it doesn't make you less worthy or valuable or important. People just made some very, very big errors in judgment and did not have healthy attitudes that would have been needed to look after you. For that I am so sorry. But here and from therapists, books and lots of other places, you can find support to change the way it has impacted you, and feel better.

xoxo

 

[Lonewolf]

I have spent years trying to make it up to my parents for all the pain they went through when i told an adult what was happening! I was put into care and disowned by my whole family! All these years later, they all live as if nothing ever happened and i have been forbiden to talk about it, to other people and with them, including 'him' as he still lives with them, unfortunately i have obeyed these wishes and still do, because i don't want to be discarded again! I cant be! Reading that back to myself, i suppose i probably deserve all this stuff i've been and am still going through! I need my mum!! There are always painful conversations that i listen to when im with them, mostly started by him as if he's trying to get a reaction from me, but i never comment, i just listen!! I seem to absorb it and it hits me like a ten tone truck whenever im alone and supposedly safe at my home!! Sometimes i feel as if im still a child and i remember the fear and the confusion i felt back then, for some reason it seems even more frightening now as i haven't got the support to help me this time! Im sorry if im wasting anyones time with this, maybe it is self inflicted, maybe im not as strong as i should be, maybe i did this? All i know is that nothing i do will never make me any better! Do people really manage to live with all the stuff a**** leaves you with? I have never been able to let anyone close to me since and thats a shame! Ive LET 'him' ruin everything! He has won!! Recently my grandparents have passed away and it hurt me so deeply that i was unable to say goodbye because apart from the immediate family, everyone else treated me as if i was already dead! Sometimes i think it would have been easier for everyone if i were, including me!! :hurt:

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im sorry, maybe that was too much!! Too heavy!!

 

[MHealthJo]

It is okay to say what you feel here. And you did not say any graphic triggering details, so don't worry.

Your family has created a very unhealthy, unfair situation for you.

It is not your fault and you DON'T deserve it.

 

[Lonewolf]

I have become very emotional! Please, can anyone assure me i won't be in any trouble for what i have discussed? Whenever i talk about this, i get an overwhelming feeling of fear and paranoia! Im frightend!

 

[MHealthJo]

Its okay sweetie. You are safe here. You have not used real names or places. Nobody who is unsafe for you could find out that you are talking about it, if you don't want them to know. xox

--
The things that have happened trick your mind into thinking you are not safe.

You are safe. Now is not then. Nobody knows you are going against their wishes and there is no way they can find out.

Can you imagine a safe person you have in your imagination? Or someone here?

We are with you. Can you imagine someone is with you physically, making you feel safe? You are not alone now, because you have shared something with us and we care for you.

Also... there is a meditation series I really like at Meditationoasis.com. If you click Listen to our podcast, there are ones there which can help you feel supported, and more safe with your feelings - such as the one for grief, or the inner child.

You are in grief about different things right now and you are not alone. We are here. And there is other support you can find too if you want to.

Many services like phone helplines or chat helplines are there for you 24 hours in case we are not around, and they are totally anonymous too. Nobody can ever find out what you told them.

Keep chatting as much as you want to here.

xx

 

[Lonewolf]

sorry! mg:

 

[MHealthJo]

You've done nothing wrong honey and you are going to be OK. xox

Give yourself a big hug, put your own arms around yourself, and say "I'm not alone. I am going to be OK." And those meditation mp3s can help you bring up a person in your mind, who comes to comfort you and help you. xox

 

[Darkside]

These things should not have happened to you -- you were just a child. It is NOT your fault. Refusing to discuss or deal with what happened, and forcing you to remain quiet even today is just another form of abuse.

I hope and pray that you find a way to recover some of your personal power.

Do you have anyone who is an advocate for you?

 

[Lonewolf]

I have a mental health worker, but i don't really discuss this aspect of my life with her because im so frightend to!! She is there to monitor my mental health, medication, s/h and impulsive behaviour!! I am not comfortable to talk about any other personal stuff with her because im worried about any repocussions from telling her. It seems safer to speak to someone anonymously, although i still fear being found! I suppose i don't trust people very easily!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Well sweetie, it seems natural that you would find it very hard to trust, because of wrong ways that you were treated. So at the moment if you want to talk about difficult things but you would only trust an anonymous helpline or an online group like this, then you do that at this time.

Or maybe later, if you would like to talk to a therapist but are too scared, maybe the 'safer' options can help you one day move toward that, if eventually that becomes your goal.

But the important thing is knowing that all this stuff is not your fault, you didn't deserve it, and that you and your feelings are important. So there can be many ways to get used to that idea. Reading books, reading here, and talking here about these things can help you learn those things.

Another thing you could do one day, if you want, is go to a small group for talking about feelings and stuff - usually called a support group. You could choose one that is far away from where you or your family live, and just go now and then if you wanted? You could even change the way you look a bit, different hairstlye and sunglasses! You would only have to use a first name - make one up - because you don't get an account or anything. And you can just listen but not talk if you want. So you can still learn, or get support and a hug or something, even if you decide not to say your story.

So there is pretty much no chance of getting found out by your family, those ways.

You can't imagine it yet, but one day you might not care anymore what your family thinks or knows. But that is not yet and that is okay. So you keep talking here if that is the only way you feel safe honey. Okay? And you might not feel this way yet, but it is GOOD and RIGHT that you are doing that. So great job honey! You have been really brave! xoxo

 

[Lonewolf]

I'm sorry lol! My emotions are very raw today and i have alot of confused thoughts spinning around my head! Thankyou for your continued advice and support! I'm not up to much tonight! Things are very, very painful!

 

[MHealthJo]

You take care of yourself and rest. xo