Sounds like you have had a tough go of it, but that you are finding your way. To me, working through these issues feels a lot like trying to walk through knee deep mud. It's very slow and a real effort to put one foot in front of the other.
- Thread starter Darkside
- Start date
Sounds like you have had a tough go of it, but that you are finding your way. To me, working through these issues feels a lot like trying to walk through knee deep mud. It's very slow and a real effort to put one foot in front of the other.
Budoaiki
MVP
Darkside,
Yes I haven't the easiest life but the strength and resolve I have found within myself from therapy and a lot of hard work continues to surprise me.
Sometimes that proverbial mud can feel like quick sand but there have been unexpected moments of honest cathartic compassion for and from my family that I treasure more than words can describe.
For a long time I tried to force myself to endure certain behaviors because I love them and want them in my life which quite honestly caused me tremendous harm. I have come to accept that I am only human and there is only so much a person can handle while maintaining focus on their own well being and remain civil in the face of such combative attitudes.
When I reach my threshold with them I calm myself, reassure them that I love them but I need to step away.
I'd be lying if I said it's easy but right now it's the best I can do and it does get easier with practice.
My advice with such things is this; know your limits as well as those you interact with. We can forgive others and we should be willing to forgive ourselves as we are all only human.
---------- Post Merged at 04:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:43 PM ----------
By "them" of course I mean my family, in re-reading this I thought the context may have seemed like I was referring to behaviors.
Yes I haven't the easiest life but the strength and resolve I have found within myself from therapy and a lot of hard work continues to surprise me.
Sometimes that proverbial mud can feel like quick sand but there have been unexpected moments of honest cathartic compassion for and from my family that I treasure more than words can describe.
For a long time I tried to force myself to endure certain behaviors because I love them and want them in my life which quite honestly caused me tremendous harm. I have come to accept that I am only human and there is only so much a person can handle while maintaining focus on their own well being and remain civil in the face of such combative attitudes.
When I reach my threshold with them I calm myself, reassure them that I love them but I need to step away.
I'd be lying if I said it's easy but right now it's the best I can do and it does get easier with practice.
My advice with such things is this; know your limits as well as those you interact with. We can forgive others and we should be willing to forgive ourselves as we are all only human.
---------- Post Merged at 04:21 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:43 PM ----------
By "them" of course I mean my family, in re-reading this I thought the context may have seemed like I was referring to behaviors.
I lived that way for a long time too. But I had convinced myself that nothing really bad happened and I had forgiven them for what did happen. Then, a few years ago, I had to live through it again and was re-traumatized. I ain't gonna let anyone do that to me again -- even if I have to be homeless. NEVER.
This is the very thing I think is the most difficult part of where we have been...
Who to speak to and what is appropriate.
Ive not posted for sometime as I have been struggling with many aspects of whats been going on in my life.
Ive had about 4 sessions with my therapist and been very emotional in each of them, when I went this week and she mentioned the emotional state I have been in, I finally found a way of explaining it to her...
I likened the sensation to having an "emotional vomit" every time I have spoke to her.
Back to my point and what I have struggled with ever since trying to free myself from the mental shackles I carry
is...
What to tell people, part of the conditioning of childhood abuse is a VERY tight grip on our behavior for fear of those on the outside really finding out what is going on.
For me this tendency has never left and to try and begin to explain why you didn't say anything or not tell anyone what was going on is difficult in it's self and certainly contains many guilty sensations with it.
But to be emotionally honest is truly difficult because you are not allowed as a child... it has implications of pain, violence fear and trivialization as a child.
And then as an adult you fear upsetting those closest to you that care for you or that in some way you are still to blame or partly to blame and, that is, a heavy rock to climb out from under.
I for the first time this week told my partner a bit of what was going on in my head a touch of honesty about my fears for my son and the hurt and confusion I feel over my fathers death and I could see it was too much for him to digest.
I felt afterwards exhausted to pull complex feelings you have never touched on with someone close to you into a digestible form is incredibly hard and I felt so guilty that I had been that self indulgent and that is the crux of this post.
Honesty will forever be tied to these emotions because of our experiences and at this point I now beginning to understand it is this core difficulty that has hampered everything in my life.
I felt consideration of how my partner felt about what I had to say was more important than what I was saying.
That's before the sense of humiliation, the "I should have kept my mouth shut" and the feelings of being a trouble causer.
I could write all day and still not explain exactly the backpack of crap we've been left to humph about accurately but I am sure anyone who has been in the position will understand.
Ive been robbed of the right to be emotionally honest with others and I doubt I will ever be able to be comfortable completely with it.
Who to speak to and what is appropriate.
Ive not posted for sometime as I have been struggling with many aspects of whats been going on in my life.
Ive had about 4 sessions with my therapist and been very emotional in each of them, when I went this week and she mentioned the emotional state I have been in, I finally found a way of explaining it to her...
I likened the sensation to having an "emotional vomit" every time I have spoke to her.
Back to my point and what I have struggled with ever since trying to free myself from the mental shackles I carry
is...
What to tell people, part of the conditioning of childhood abuse is a VERY tight grip on our behavior for fear of those on the outside really finding out what is going on.
For me this tendency has never left and to try and begin to explain why you didn't say anything or not tell anyone what was going on is difficult in it's self and certainly contains many guilty sensations with it.
But to be emotionally honest is truly difficult because you are not allowed as a child... it has implications of pain, violence fear and trivialization as a child.
And then as an adult you fear upsetting those closest to you that care for you or that in some way you are still to blame or partly to blame and, that is, a heavy rock to climb out from under.
I for the first time this week told my partner a bit of what was going on in my head a touch of honesty about my fears for my son and the hurt and confusion I feel over my fathers death and I could see it was too much for him to digest.
I felt afterwards exhausted to pull complex feelings you have never touched on with someone close to you into a digestible form is incredibly hard and I felt so guilty that I had been that self indulgent and that is the crux of this post.
Honesty will forever be tied to these emotions because of our experiences and at this point I now beginning to understand it is this core difficulty that has hampered everything in my life.
I felt consideration of how my partner felt about what I had to say was more important than what I was saying.
That's before the sense of humiliation, the "I should have kept my mouth shut" and the feelings of being a trouble causer.
I could write all day and still not explain exactly the backpack of crap we've been left to humph about accurately but I am sure anyone who has been in the position will understand.
Ive been robbed of the right to be emotionally honest with others and I doubt I will ever be able to be comfortable completely with it.
Lonewolf
Member
The tears and the pain came back!! I feel so alone with it all at the moment! Thought I was doing ok! Still waiting for therapy to start! I must have done something so terrible! Please, somebody make it all stop now? Please?
Budoaiki
MVP
Thereeper,
What is it that makes you think you've done something terrible?
I know for me before going to therapy for the first time I felt a lot of apprehension to put it mildly as I was going through all the things I wanted to talk about. In doing that I woke a lot of emotions and feelings with renewed intensity because I was trying to anticipate what I might encounter in therapy.
I don't know if that's what your feeling but I know it is very common and be patient with yourself therapy moves at it's own pace between you and your therapist.
Kind of reminds me of a Confusian quote;
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
What is it that makes you think you've done something terrible?
I know for me before going to therapy for the first time I felt a lot of apprehension to put it mildly as I was going through all the things I wanted to talk about. In doing that I woke a lot of emotions and feelings with renewed intensity because I was trying to anticipate what I might encounter in therapy.
I don't know if that's what your feeling but I know it is very common and be patient with yourself therapy moves at it's own pace between you and your therapist.
Kind of reminds me of a Confusian quote;
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
Lonewolf
Member
Im just scared, I guess! There has been a lot of emotions coming up from when it actually happened to more recent stuff. I have really tried to reason with them, but somehow I can't get to grips with them! If I am struggling not to internalise them or react badly to them now, how on earth am I going to cope with them once therapy has began?
I appreciate the fact that I am very lucky to have the opportunity of this therapy and I will try to do my best with it, I am having doubts as to whether im actually worthy of it!
Sorry, I know it sounds totally stupid!
I appreciate the fact that I am very lucky to have the opportunity of this therapy and I will try to do my best with it, I am having doubts as to whether im actually worthy of it!
Sorry, I know it sounds totally stupid!
forgetmenot
MVP
No it does not sound stupid hun we are taught our worth is not much when we are young those feelings stay with one a very long time Just know you do deserve all the compassion and care and understanding ok You are someone of worth hun we all are hugs
First,what you say doesn't sound stupid.Second,try to remember that thinking about doing something is always harder than actually doing it.
Therapy is going to be hard,but I believe you will get through it all just fine.Sometimes I feel/think I'm not going to make it,that all these thoughts,memories and feelings are so intense that I will die from them.I always manage to pull through though.
Don't forget that we survived what we went through. We will survive therapy too.
No you dont sound stupid at all honey. Feelings, whatever they are that we are having, are important and okay. Not stupid. 
I think one of the values of therapy is being able to work through things, but not having to go through the process alone and unguided. Having help and tools and a caring person to understand you as best they can, and be there supportively as you do it, and help you do it as safely and manageably as possible, and at the right pace.
I think that is really going to be different from being all alone with very very difficult, painful feelings, coming on in an unexpected way, and having no idea what you can do to get through it or make sense of it.
Definitely still a daunting prospect and not easy; but something actually designed to ease and assist you - instead of feeling like flying blind without a flight instructor!
So it will be hard, but you can say how you feel and what is hard, and receive support every step of the way for whatever is hard. Doing that, you will get through, and reap benefits.
(And remember, you will not be having to hide feelings or keep them down or 'control' them, sort of thing, while you are there..... You will actually be able to let yourself feel them and express them and let that be okay, with someone supportive there for you letting you know it is okay. You may find that very healing and may be surprised that, allowing feelings to be there and be felt, they arent constantly sitting underneath scaring you as much, or become less overwhelming as you become used to them being 'allowed'. Rather than a constant tension and battle to 'control yourself' - like with old ideas that some emotions are weak or wrong or bad or not allowed, things like that.)
Real proud of you, what a positive and brave attitude as you wait, and good work reaching for support when you feel more worried!
xx
I think one of the values of therapy is being able to work through things, but not having to go through the process alone and unguided. Having help and tools and a caring person to understand you as best they can, and be there supportively as you do it, and help you do it as safely and manageably as possible, and at the right pace.
I think that is really going to be different from being all alone with very very difficult, painful feelings, coming on in an unexpected way, and having no idea what you can do to get through it or make sense of it.
Definitely still a daunting prospect and not easy; but something actually designed to ease and assist you - instead of feeling like flying blind without a flight instructor!
So it will be hard, but you can say how you feel and what is hard, and receive support every step of the way for whatever is hard. Doing that, you will get through, and reap benefits.
(And remember, you will not be having to hide feelings or keep them down or 'control' them, sort of thing, while you are there..... You will actually be able to let yourself feel them and express them and let that be okay, with someone supportive there for you letting you know it is okay. You may find that very healing and may be surprised that, allowing feelings to be there and be felt, they arent constantly sitting underneath scaring you as much, or become less overwhelming as you become used to them being 'allowed'. Rather than a constant tension and battle to 'control yourself' - like with old ideas that some emotions are weak or wrong or bad or not allowed, things like that.)
Real proud of you, what a positive and brave attitude as you wait, and good work reaching for support when you feel more worried!
xx
I think if you canvassed everyone who has had therapy in this site to some extent before or at the beginning they would admit to feeling as you do now.
It is a normal part of the process and sometimes these feelings alone give you a starting point for your therapy
I can be quite honest with my therapist now about my ambivalence towards the process
What you are experiencing is normal and frankly needed to be able to engage in the process positively
You are connected to your feelings rather than blocking them out and able to discuss them here
It's a major starting point and as you progress you will be able to reflect on these posts and see how your perceptions and feelings are changing
which can be handy
What your feeling is a normal and I wish you well with your therapy when it starts
Give yourself as much time as you need and be realistic in your expectations of both yourself and the process =)
It is a normal part of the process and sometimes these feelings alone give you a starting point for your therapy
I can be quite honest with my therapist now about my ambivalence towards the process
What you are experiencing is normal and frankly needed to be able to engage in the process positively
You are connected to your feelings rather than blocking them out and able to discuss them here
It's a major starting point and as you progress you will be able to reflect on these posts and see how your perceptions and feelings are changing
which can be handy
What your feeling is a normal and I wish you well with your therapy when it starts
Give yourself as much time as you need and be realistic in your expectations of both yourself and the process =)
I know exactly what W00BY and TheReeper are talking about. For me it is about feeling defective. Like a toy that was delivered without a part that makes it work. I still look the same on the outside, but my innards are missing ... the things that make me what I am supposed to be. I've lived with a sense of guilt and shame probably since I was a little boy and when I was young I made stuff up because in my mind I thought it made me complete in the eyes of others. Part of it is that I grew up believing something about myself that was not true and so I never really figured out who I was born to be. Instead, it was about who others thought I should be. The words "should" and "ought" carry a lot of power coming from an adult to a child.
Yesterday, I told my therapist I wanted to understand why I had no feelings for my family. The truth is I just don't like them very much - especially my mother and my sister. The only ones I liked even a little were my brother and my father and they are both dead. He said to me, "based on what you've told me it sounds reasonable to me that you would not like them." What I wanted was to be born into a family where everybody cared about each other and in bad times had each others back. I've tried to do that, but I was continually betrayed by the people I thought loved me - were supposed to love me.
I'm slowly realizing that it doesn't work that way. There is no "Ozzie and Harriet" or "June and Ward Cleaver." All families are dysfunctional in some way - but what is different is that people learn to accept each others dysfunction. The difference is the level of selfishness and narcissism. My family only cared about each other IF it was something that would affect them. Everything was conditional - I'll do this for you but I expect something in return"; or, "only if you make me proud." If it didn't work out that way there was no forgiveness - just grudges and professed embarrassment because, "you made me look bad to my friends."
Relationships are not business transactions. They are awkward, unbalanced, ambiguous, contradictory and sometimes unfair. But they survive if they are open, honest and truthful. There was too much lying in my family and as a child I did my best to sort it out. The dishonesty continued into adulthood and with my mother it continues to this day. She will die denying the truth and leaving everyone else to take responsibility.
If there is a hell that is what it is like. You can't leave this life living in delusion about yourself and creating illusions for other people. At some point we all have to accept the truth however ugly it may be.
Yesterday, I told my therapist I wanted to understand why I had no feelings for my family. The truth is I just don't like them very much - especially my mother and my sister. The only ones I liked even a little were my brother and my father and they are both dead. He said to me, "based on what you've told me it sounds reasonable to me that you would not like them." What I wanted was to be born into a family where everybody cared about each other and in bad times had each others back. I've tried to do that, but I was continually betrayed by the people I thought loved me - were supposed to love me.
I'm slowly realizing that it doesn't work that way. There is no "Ozzie and Harriet" or "June and Ward Cleaver." All families are dysfunctional in some way - but what is different is that people learn to accept each others dysfunction. The difference is the level of selfishness and narcissism. My family only cared about each other IF it was something that would affect them. Everything was conditional - I'll do this for you but I expect something in return"; or, "only if you make me proud." If it didn't work out that way there was no forgiveness - just grudges and professed embarrassment because, "you made me look bad to my friends."
Relationships are not business transactions. They are awkward, unbalanced, ambiguous, contradictory and sometimes unfair. But they survive if they are open, honest and truthful. There was too much lying in my family and as a child I did my best to sort it out. The dishonesty continued into adulthood and with my mother it continues to this day. She will die denying the truth and leaving everyone else to take responsibility.
If there is a hell that is what it is like. You can't leave this life living in delusion about yourself and creating illusions for other people. At some point we all have to accept the truth however ugly it may be.
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