I was just a child ...

[Lonewolf]

After opening up a little bit, to you guys recently. I have been so confused about all the conflicting emotions that have reappeared for me, some of which i have suppressed for a very long time!! The strongest ones i feel is guilt and anger, im not good with anger as i have trouble dealing with it constructively and safely! Im totally at a loss now! I don't know what to do with all this stuff!! Its hit me hard and its not going anywhere!! Its doing my head in!! Help!!

---------- Post Merged at 06:59 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:00 PM ----------

Is this a good thing or is something wrong with me?

 

[MHealthJo]

No hun, feelings can be very difficult to deal with especially when a person:
-was not taught how to, in a healthy way, when they were young
-was taught that their feelings were bad or not important, and when
-the person has legitimate awful, sad, angry feelings because something very wrong happened to them, ESPECIALLY if the person then got blamed, shamed, rejected or ignored after speaking up about it! This is very very wrong and abusive for a family to do.

All of this is why speaking to a good, caring therapist/mental health professional can be really really important when we can get ready to do that. They can help us the most with these feelings.

Feelings like these are important, to learn that what happened to us was WRONG. WE were not wrong. Once we really learn that and learn lots of new things, we can feel much better and have a new life. But these feelings are very hard to cope with on our own and without caring help to guide us through. Sometimes medicine can be really helpful too. Sometimes feelings are too hard and too rough as we are dealing with them. Therapists, psychologists, your mental health worker, and doctors can help us a lot with the tools that we need.

These feelings are very hard. But if we push them away it is only worse in the end....

Is there any way we could help you be able to get more help from helpers like the ones above? What would have to happen or change for you to be able to take that step?

We are with you on this difficult jouney.

xox

 

[Darkside]

After opening up a little bit, to you guys recently. I have been so confused about all the conflicting emotions that have reappeared for me, some of which i have suppressed for a very long time!! The strongest ones i feel is guilt and anger, im not good with anger as i have trouble dealing with it constructively and safely! Im totally at a loss now! I don't know what to do with all this stuff!! Its hit me hard and its not going anywhere!! Its doing my head in!! Help!!

---------- Post Merged at 06:59 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:00 PM ----------

Is this a good thing or is something wrong with me?

No, I think it is actually healthy. It seems like we when first start allowing ourselves to feel only bad feelings come out and I think that is because those are the ones we tend to suppress. I can tell you from my own experience that "bad feelings" are not all you will feel. It may appear that way at first but keep working on it. As you heal you will feel like the rock in your stomach is dissolving ... sometimes it feels to me like ice is melting. I'm 58 and I have spent a lifetime learning to tolerate and live with my emotions rather than act them out. It ain't easy, but it can be done.

My mother told me a story - actually two stories about funerals back when her mind was clearer. One was about the funeral for her brother who was killed in WWII. She was so afraid that her family was going to embarrass her by openly grieving at the service that she told me she went to the minister the day before and asked him to make the service short. (I actually think she was more worried about her own feelings of grief which she would not allow herself to feel.) Thankfully, he didn't listen to her. So people cried in the church and at the graveside and all she could talk about was how mortified she felt at this open display of grief.

A few years ago she went to a cousin's funeral -- he was actually my age with young children and they wept openly at the graveside for their father. She talked for days about how inappropriately they behaved.

As a child any open display of anger, joy, grief or other intense emotions by myself or my brother and sister was not only frowned on but sometimes punished. The consequences of that kind of parenting is deep and long-lasting. They didn't know how to handle their emotions because their parents didn't teach them so they had no way to teach their own children except to say, "stop doing that you are embarrassing me."

I'm reading John Bradshaw's book, "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" right now. I've read it before but didn't understand it. Now I do. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering as an adult from crappy parenting.

 

[Lonewolf]

:cry1:

 

[Darkside]

:cry1:

You're going to be okay. Hang in there and keep writing here. Don't you find it therapeutic? I sure do.

 

[Darkside]

I finally worked up the courage to go to a therapist and explain that I thought I had been abused as a child. He told me some interesting things not the least of which was the fact that this would take some time and I would likely feel worse before I felt better. I start going every week starting next Thursday.

Never realized how hard it would be to start. How hard it would be face the fact that I grew up in an abusive family and I was the youngest and smallest and the most frequently abused by everyone else. I knew it, but telling another person was much harder than I thought it would be.

 

[GDPR]

Be prepared Darkside....it is very,very hard to open up and talk. But well worth the effort.

 

[Darkside]

Maybe because of my age it will be easier, but I am expecting the worst.

I've dropped some of the illusions (delusions?) I have lived with about my family and started seeing them objectively for the first time over the last year and that has been shocking. I can remember as a teenager going to friend's homes and watching how they were with their parents and siblings and then going home to my house. As I see it now the contrast was stark.

Friend's home = supportive, kind, hopeful, open, accepting, ready to come to the others aid when trouble came, transparent, compassionate, loving, empathetic;

My home = anger, jealousy, conspiring, competing, looking for weaknesses, mean, cruel, insulting, two-faced, or just ignoring each other

 

[Darkside]

Food for thought. I thought the reason I often felt hurt and angry was because my "inner child" felt hurt ... and that is true in part. But it is also true that the feelings of this little guy are steering the car - if you get the metaphor. My inner child is often panicked and frantic because of what he believes is about to happen and so, to continue the metaphor, he is grabbing the hand of my "adult" and the fear is affecting my judgment in the present.

No amount of rational talk seems to calm him when he's upset. I wish I knew (could remember) what happened that caused this panic and fear response. Something happened about age 7-9 ... maybe a little older, but I cannot remember what it was. It must have been traumatic.

I'm seriously considering EMDR.

 

[GDPR]

I totally get what you're saying.

I have read,or heard,not sure which,that EMDR isn't recommended if there's been multiple traumas. I don't remember why though and don't know if that would even apply to you.

 

[Darkside]

Thanks for understanding. I didn't get the importance of this until my therapist explained it to me. It's like the flip side of the same coin. It can only be explained by trauma ... the feelings from the past are so strong that they influence my judgment in the present. I guess my "job" so to speak is going to be to process those feelings a little better. Seems like it would help if I could remember what happened while I am in therapy. I don't want to spontaneously remember at the wrong time and then fall apart.

You may be right. It might be more than a single occurrence. The therapist wants me to try a couple of things before we go to EMDR like writing letters and then the empty chair. The letters don't bother me, but the idea of talking to other family members who are not present feels intimidating.

 

[GDPR]

I wish I only remembered things during a therapy session,that would be convenient.Unfortunately,I don't get to choose when memories come back.Sometimes it really is hard to deal with them on your own.As a matter of fact,I had a memory come back this past week and I do believe that's what sent me on a downward spiral. I should have went to my session instead of bailing. But I felt too depressed to go.

My therapist had me try the empty chair thing once,except I wasn't supposed to talk to other family members,I was supposed to talk to younger and traumatized versions of myself.It was way too weird and uncomfortable to try and do,so I didn't do it at all.

 

[Darkside]

Have you ever had a memory that was so strong that you were stunned ... almost like you were frozen in time for a few minutes? Not necessarily a new memory, but one that came to you in a way that gave it new meaning - like something that had been there all along, but you missed it?

Once when I was about 12 my father beat me with his belt. There was a small area rug in my room and I rolled myself up in it and lay there in the dark for almost an hour. I had never really forgotten (or repressed) this, but it was abstract like it didn't really happen to me. The other day it came back with such force that I could actually remember how I felt. Suddenly, I realized this was abuse and that it didn't happen to someone else. It happened to me.

I've done the empty chair before. Talking to another person is not so hard, but you are right ... it is awkward when talking to yourself at another age. I can't do that very well.

 

[GDPR]

Have you ever had a memory that was so strong that you were stunned ... almost like you were frozen in time for a few minutes? Not necessarily a new memory, but one that came to you in a way that gave it new meaning - like something that had been there all along, but you missed it?.

As a matter of fact,that's exactly how it has been alot lately for me. It's like all of a sudden the fog has lifted and the memories are...different now. Not really different,they're the same memories,it's just that I am seeing them in a whole different way now. I can see the abuse for what it really was,and not in the way I perceived it as a child. I can see now that I wasn't to blame for everything that happened to me,like I always thought I was.

I also am realizing all those things happened to me.They're not seen far away in my mind anymore,like just a dream or like they happened to someone else. Sometimes that realization is hard to accept,but I'm pretty sure realizing it is a good sign of progress(seems like that's what my T said).

I do still have memories pop up that are new to me.At least I always think they're new,but then when I talk to my husband about them,he usually says I have told him many times before.He says I remember then forget,over and over,which freaks me out a little to hear. But I really don't think I'm going to forget again this time.Maybe because I have really been working hard in therapy and have stuck with it for 3 years,something I have never done before. My T doesn't think I will forget again either....

Maybe I will actually work through all of this stuff once and for all.

By the way,I'm sorry your dad beat you like he did. Rolling up in a rug was a clever idea though.When my mom beat me,I was able to push the pain away somewhere and not feel it at all,even though I would be bleeding. The only bad thing about that is I still have a hard time knowing when I have been injured and need to see a doctor( I also have a hard time knowing when I am sick).I think I still push the pain away automatically.

 

[Darkside]

You hit the nail on the head ... soundly!! That is it exactly.

That phrase, "it happened to me" or "that was me" has been very important the past few months. I have intellectualized things for so long that when I remembered something my mind was distancing itself from the event so that it didn't seem like it was me. I didn't identify with the event I was recalling.

There was (and still is) some judgment involved in the memory and for me the path seems to be to stop "judging" (good or bad) and just see it for what it is. When I do that it is easier for me to say, "that wasn't some stranger or other person (disassociation?) ... it was me!

When I can do that it feels good ... it's like it sinks in deeper into my being instead of being "out there somewhere."

Does that make sense to you?

 

[GDPR]

Yes,that definitely makes sense to me.

And it makes it much easier to work through things when you can recognize that it really happened to you and not someone else. I used to tell my therapist all these 'stories',and it was no different than telling him a story I had read in a book or saw on the news or something. It's completely different now when I tell him these things that happened to me.​

 

[Darkside]

I think that is a really huge step.

For me, the next step is feeling compassion for the little person in the memory. There's a lot of grief in there that is overwhelming at times, but as I work through it I find myself wanting to put my arms around the little person and comfort him and tell him it's going to be okay.

He is still too upset and the trust isn't there yet.

 

[Lonewolf]

I was just a child too, but I have always been held responsible because 'he' was/is ill! And to be honest, I don't think ive been very well since! I am still paying for it!!

 

[Darkside]

Anyone ever seen the movie, Marion Bridge?

Very, very powerful.

Being told you are responsible for others mistakes (i.e., for abusing you) because they are ill/sick is itself the worst form of psychological abuse. It is similar to protesting abuse and being told, "you are too sensitive." Abusers do not respect any limits our boundaries and believe that others (usually children, but sometimes adults) are their property to do with as they please. It's twisted thinking brought about by generational abuse that was never questioned.

 

[Budoaiki]

Darkside,

I completely agree I have been struggling with this in my interactions or rather attempted interactions with my family. I have heard that sentence "you are too sensitive" from them more times than I can count when ever they push my boundaries.

It's gotten easier over time because I have learned to hold my ground when antagonize to provoke and attempt to bypass my boundries. I've developed better coping mechanism with therapy through trial and error. The trouble is there are some very destructive long standing behavioral patterns within our family dynamic to the point where my boundaries are constantly tested. It's very hard dealing with people who are so combative and subversive.

Growing up with an absent father always away working, a mother who struggled with substance abuse, schizophrenia and violent tendencies, well needless to say there are some unresolved issues.
With my physical health issues from a car accident and some subsequent conflict over that things aren't easy to say the least and I am the only one of my siblings who's sought therapy.

My mother has gotten help after a great deal of effort and I've worked through my past with my therapist and through discussions with my mother. She still has issues but I have been able to forgive her now that i understand her and her problems which was no small feat. It took a lot of work and interacting with my siblings is still tense to put it mildly after all we can only change ourselves but the work was more than worth it.

Guess I unloaded a bit there but I wanted to illustrate my own experience with the subject in question and maybe it can be of help.