I wish spanking were illegal

[Cat Dancer]

These are just my personal opinions. I think spanking is abusive. I think it's lazy. I think most of the time it's done out of anger. I think it causes resentment in a lot of children. How do you tell your child not to hit someone when you're hitting them?

Also, I am SICK of my mother in law telling us that NOT spanking is abuse. This coming from a woman who beat her children until they bled? Hello? Also she says not spanking is going against the Bible. I don't think so. Maybe it's one of the reasons her own children can't stand her to this day.

I personally think it's bad parenting. I was spanked as a child and I resented it. I also hated being yelled and screamed at.

Anyway, I just wish it was totally illegal and that way people wouldn't have to decide whether to spank or not. I do think there is a very positive movement in that many people do think it is abuse and they're choosing other methods.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

i agree with you. there are other ways to teach your children what is okay behaviour and what isn't. if you don't know how to do that then talk to other parents, read up about it, go to a parenting class. it starts from an early age too. don't wait until they are much older, from the moment they understand the word no you can start to teach them boundaries.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

I thoroughly agree, CD. It is abusive. And it is lazy. And it is self-indulgent, personal irritation or rage rationalized as "instruction". And it is a contradictory message to convey to children.

No wonder there is so much violence in this world. It starts in the crib for many families.

 

[Jackie]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

Cat Dancer,

I fully agree with you. It should be illegal. If you went up to an adult and slapped them the way some mothers hit their children in the shops then you would be arrested, so why are adults allowed to hit young impressionable children and put it under the heading of punishment for bad behaviour, like its ok, and its far from ok, its very very wrong.

 

[NicNak]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

I agree with you Cat Dancer.

My father was very hard on my brother. Starting at age two! My brother got ahold once of the baby powder and squeezed and shook the bottle, covering himself in baby powder. (I think most parents would have laughed) My dad hit him for it.

My dad only put me over his knee once and I peed on him in fear. He never did it again. I don't even recall this happened, mom told me.

After the hitting stopped, it was more fear tactics and dirty looks we got. We were still afraid of him.

I have often wondered if it was due to my dads very rough upbringing. His father was extremely violent toward my dad, aunt and grandma.

My parents did eventually separate, mom waitied until she knew she could support us and left dad. Things got better. My brother and I started to open up more and the three of us started spending more time together.

 

[Disturbedforlife]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

Agreed to the fullest extent - it forms from a laziness to use language and other forms of healthy communication to teach your child the correct behaviour.. Also, talking to your child takes time, and spanking is faster. I think it is wrong. Very wrong. Good posts in this thread.

 

[HBas]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

And I do not agree. I think you should use all the tools available to you as parent and ensure that you use them wisely to obtain the best results for your situation. Every situation is unique - I have had to give my boy a spanking or two and it was by no means because I am lazy as parent - I have explored many options (from Super Nanny through to caregivers guide) and some advice and strategies work for some situations and others doesn't. There is a huge difference between spanking and abuse - if people were wise enough to keep a spanking "a spanking" and not hit the child silly there would never have been any issues.

Any means of punishment can be very harmful if you do not apply it in the correct manner!

If a parent is abusive then the kid will get it, either physically or mentally and personally, I cannot decide which is worse! Childeren needs discipline and I would advise any parent to sit down and set goals they want to achieve before the even think of setting a system for discipline in place - set yourself guidelines and stick to it.

I respect your view - maybe I would have shared it have my upbringing been different. I have had a view spankings and I remember it in the way my mom did it and I always understood why I got it and what she wanted to achieve - she communicated it clearly.

Best of luck with everyone's choices.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

There is a huge difference between spanking and abuse - if people were wise enough to keep a spanking "a spanking" and not hit the child silly there would never have been any issues.

It would still have been an issue. No matter how "lovingly" or "responsibly" you may feel you are being when you hit a child (let's drop the gentle euphemisms like "spanking" and call it what it is), you are letting the child know that in your opinion it is okay to use physical force and acts of physical aggression to compel compliance with your wishes.

There is no way around this. No amount of rationalism or gentle synonyms for assault are going to change that fact.

 

[HBas]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

When you put it like that, it seems terrible to say the least.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

Also, if you hit, and it IS hitting, an adult the way you hit a small, helpless, defenseless child, then you could possibly be arrested for assault. Why should it be different for a child?

And how in the world do you tell a child not to hit someone else when you hit them?

I hate it. I was spanked as a child and I learned nothing from it except humiliation and fear.

I hope so much it will be made illegal in the States one day like it is in many countries then there will be no questions about it or excuses for the lazy parenting that it is.

 

[HBas]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

I don't share your emotion on it so I don't think I will understand easily.

I respect it though. You have to raise your kids according to your believes and your inlaws has no place in there.

We all have different views and I thought about the un-sugar-coated message Dr. Baxter wrote but still don't feel any more guilty about mine. It makes for good thinking though. May be what exchanging views are all about?

See you guys around.

 

[white page]

Re: I wish spanking was illegal

I think also that hitting a child for "educational" purposes is not only abusive but dangerous, how can it be possible to justify that pain, fear and violence are for a childs good.

The message put over to a child of any age is perverse and produces generations of child spankers. I have in the past slapped a child on the bottom, from irritation, I still feel awful about it, I did say I was sorry and wrong to do it.

As an imperfect human, I do understand that it is possible to slap a child out of irritation and laziness,though there is no excuse for it, and should be avoided at all costs, however an isolated slap out of irritation is not in the same leaque as spanking which is used as a tool and involves repeated blows.

This is cold blooded premeditated assault.

Nothing can justify it.

 

[rdonovan1]

How would you handle it then if a child of yours was so arrogant and abusive towards you that basically anything you said just went in one ear and out the other ear? I am just kind of curious about that because I tend to be very interested in things like behavior modification and other related things.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Why would you expect that physically assaulting that child would improve his or her attitude?

 

[Daniel E.]

I am just kind of curious about that because I tend to be very interested in things like behavior modification and other related things.

BTW:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/parenting/18143-how-to-teach-your-child-to-have-more-tantrums.html

 

[Banned]

I remember sooooo many spankings as a child. And I remember other physically abusive methods of punishment. While I'm not sure it damaged me personally, I think it's an unacceptable way to teach a child right from wrong.

I'm a R+ dog trainer, and I tell people the same things that have been mentioned here about using violence to teach that violence is not acceptable. Additionally, I tell my students that if they use a physical correction on their dog, it better correct the behaviour within two corrections. After that, you're either annoying or abusing the dog. The same thing goes for kids - except I believe it goes straight to abuse from the first time.

Based on the number of spankings I got, I'd say it was abuse, since my behaviour only changed when I got older and learned about "life consquences"...ie if I break my toy then I don't have a toy to play with, etc.

There are so many positive ways to teach children (and dogs!), but they take work, and we are a lazy society in so many ways.

 

[rdonovan1]

I personally think that everything should be in proper balance.

Talking to a child and educating them is good and more often than not will usually suffice, but sometimes it does not always work.

When you do spank a child then it needs to be only for the most severe things that talking will not solve.

If you tell the child what you expect out of him or her and if you give them good reasoning for why certain things are right and wrong then usually that will do if it is done properly.

Sometimes however you will have children that will not respond to talk for one reason or the other and that is why you need to be willing to spank if necessary.

Balance and proper timing as well as understanding and compassion and proper boundaries can and will make the difference.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How do you find "the proper balance" between assaulting and not assaulting a child?

 

[white page]

Sometimes however you will have children that will not respond to talk for one reason or the other and that is why you need to be willing to spank if necessary.

Would you spank a deaf, autistic or a child in pain?
These children would not be able to respond to talk for one reason or another.

How would you handle it then if a child of yours was so arrogant and abusive towards you

As everyone knows this kind of behaviour is learned, learned from bad parenting in the first place. You know "role models". Do you have any children rdonovan1?

 

[HBas]

Assualt - I was spanked as a kid but never once assaulted!

I have never used violence to solve any situation and also learned that respect is earned and not forced down. Because I was never assaulted, I could understand that there is a difference between assault and spanking. Maybe everybody was not as lucky as I am!

If you believe that spanking comes from irritation and laziness then you should definately steer clear.

HB