I'm here again

[Jazzey]

I want to be left alone and yet, I feel alone. So I'm stuck in an impossible situation. That's about as much as I can explain right now. I can't stop crying about life in general all the while appreciating that others have had a lot more to complain about. Which brings me back to feeling selfish, callous...blah, blah.

I'm tired of the internal debating, I'm tired of trying to pull out, I'm essentially tired of caring about much of anything.

 

[Always Changing]

Jazzey you are not selfish and uncaring, you are going through a rough period right now and it's okay to cry it out, I wish I had some words of comfort for you but all I can offer you is an understanding ear and some cyber :hug:

:hug: :hug: you will get through this my friend I know you will.

 

[Jazzey]

AC...I really wish you weren't so nice to me :hug::hug:

 

[NicNak]

I understand the feeling of thinking I am selfish, callous etc for how I feel when I have these bad thoughts.

I just got through a two week bout of them myself :blush:

I am sorry you are suffering with this too, Jazzey. I always try to remind myself that the rough waves do pass and if I can hold on a bit longer I will go on a "good run" again.

Do you have good bouts too, where you feel optimistic at times? Those are the days I remember when I am feeling as you are now. I try to remember the little moments in recent times that took my breath away.

I know you are strong Jazzey. These bad thoughts confuse our minds into thinking otherwise. Always try to remember, there will be better days ahead.

I am sorry you are suffering with this right now. My heart goes out to you. It sure is not a good feeling, that is for sure.

:support:

 

[Jazzey]

:hug: :hug::heart: thanks NN.

 

[why]

I understand about those internal debates :hug: :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks Why :hug::hug:

 

[Banned]

Totally hear ya, Jazzey, and I understand what it's like to be in "that head space".

You're taking antidepressants, right? When do you see your therapist next?

 

[Cat Dancer]

I hope you will take this with the good intention that I mean with it, but I think you should consider hospitalization. This seems to be happening a lot and maybe a few days in the hospital would help you get stablized.

:hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks CD. No worries, I'd never get offended by anything you'd have to say. And you're not the first one to suggest this option. For right now, I'd like to sort this on my own. (yes, I'm pigheaded too )

Thanks CD :hug:

 

[Fiver]

Jazzey, I think Cat Dancer is right, and here's why:

You've been wonderfully articulating your recent introspection and I've been reading your insightful thoughts in response to threads started by other members. But right now, you're not able to think in a rational or objective way about your own self-worth.

Look, let's say I was in the same head-space you are at this very moment. We're there together, and we learn of each others' distress at the same time and place. Because you and I are both extremely so smartable when it comes to reasons other people should stay for the whole movie, you send me a private message. I send you one. Neither of us knows the other is listing rational reasons for NOT ending it, along with reasons why we each deserve to have someone help us through this very turbulent patch. We shoot those babies off to each other, because we are both very rational when it comes to having empathy and natural compassion for others.

You know damn well those private messages will be nearly identical.

You're not thinking rationally about your own well-being and self-worth. I'd rather you consider placing yourself somewhere safe where you can get help while this rough patch is kicking your butt -- for my own selfish reasons as well as all of the reasons that you and I would have matched in our list.

Cousin Pighead, you are just as deserving of help and compassion as everyone else is, even though you'd argue the point with me if you said what you feel, instead of what you copied from "Things to Say to Prove Fiver Wrong (Even Though What I'm Feeling Inside is Different.") I have that very same book -- with a slightly different title.

Gotta trust me on this one, okay? You deserve to feel good again, just like anyone else.

 

[Jazzey]

...you're not playing fair Fiver

:heart: :hug:

But thank you

 

[Jazzey]

Ok...Can I just say that I'm not doing anything right now.

I'm sorry if I caused anyone any distressed. I'm just tired right now and feeling sad.

...and most of all, thank you. I'm logging off for the night - bath and bed. Thank you.

 

[ladylore]

Have a great night.:support:

 

[Fiver]

There is no need for you to apologize for any concern we may feel. If I'm concerned, it's because I choose to be concerned about someone I think is worthy of my attention. I think you're pretty far into your head right now and that's a rough place to escape (if it has the same layout as my head does, anyway.) Don't burden yourself with guilt for anybody's feelings here, okay?

I hope you can get some rest tonight. If you come back online, I'll be around.

 

[Always Changing]

Thinking of you Jazzey,
and you too Fiver..

take care both of you.
:hug: hug:

 

[suewatters1]

Jazzey what you are going through is serious business. You are not selfish or callous.
You have a good reason to want a good cry.

You said:

I can't stop crying about life in general all the while appreciating that others have had a lot more to complain about

I had times like that then I realize what I am going through is just as serious as what other people are going through.
It might be a different disease or problem but they are equally as serious.
Don't for get it will be a year soon since your attack. That is weighting heavily on your mine.
If you are thinking of suicide at anytime you have to go get help immediately. You are one of the greatest person in the world. Remember that.
We value your help and input.

Sue

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you Sue.

And sorry everyone. I actually got rid of everything a while back now. So while the thoughts are there, I no longer have anything.

Again, sorry for distressing anyone. I will be ok. Just really tired right now and have waaaay too many thoughts spinning in my head.

Additionally, I have 2 very close friends in my life who've lost close family members to suicide. So I can't.

 

[Into The Light]

I can't stop crying about life in general all the while appreciating that others have had a lot more to complain about

i'm not sure that this is a fair assessment. you have been through a lot, jazzey. you're dealing with real trauma. no one's life is easy, i agree with that, but please don't minimize or dismiss your pain by trying to compare it to others. it's ok to feel how you do, don't add guilt to the mix :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks ITL. I just get angry at times. Yesterday was just another temper tantrum because I don't want to think about this stuff anymore. Every time that I think I'm making progress, that I'm smiling just a little more, something else comes back to remind me about it. I want to be in a place where he's absolutely not a part of any of my thoughts. What's that 80's song "there's always something there to remind me"...

Generally speaking though, minus the rape, I have a pretty darn good life. And I heard every word ITL. Thank you :hug::hug: