I'm here again

[Jazzey]

Totally hear ya, Jazzey, and I understand what it's like to be in "that head space".

You're taking antidepressants, right? When do you see your therapist next?

Sorry Turtle, I didn't answer your questions last night because I didn't want to lie to you and I'm embarrassed about being so irresponsible.

So Q1: No, Q2: I don't have any other appointments with her and the wait time is usually about 4 to 6 weeks. I tried to make another appointment on Friday but they don't book on Fridays. I'll call tomorrow.

Sorry Turtle - I know you probably figured out what my answers were any way but, like I said, I felt that I'd dismissed you - not because of you though.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Q1: No

Why not? And for how long?

 

[Jazzey]

Why not? And for how long?

I don't know. I just feel resentful, they're right here in front of me and I just don't take them anymore.

July 12th.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I thought you had restarted.

I'm going to be blunt. You are depressed, angry, overwhelmed, anxious, hopeless, and at times suicidal. I know this isn't fun. I know you don't enjoy feeling this way.

So why are you punishing yourself by not taking medication that can help alleviate or at least lessen the intensity of these feelings?

I use the term "punishing yourself" here intentionally and deliberately: You are punishing yourself for what happened to you. The rapist wins again. Your family (especially your mother) wins again. With your full cooperation. You are allowing them to win by doing everything you can to ensure that you don't start to feel better or move on.

You are like someone grieving who will not allow herself to do anything that might bring a moment's relief from the pain.

 

[suewatters1]

Yes Jazzey Dr Baxter is totally right
Yes why are you punishing yourself?

Sue

 

[Jazzey]

I thought you had restarted.

That was my intention. I forgot the first night and then I didn't.

Thank you Dr. Baxter. What you wrote makes sense.

Hi Sue - I don't think this is done consciously. I think Dr. Baxter is spot on. But I'm not sure that this is consciously done. I am really angry with myself right now, but I can't pin it to anything concrete that I've done, not done etc.

 

[suewatters1]

Ok thanks for the explanations Jazzey.

You take Care

Sue

 

[Always Changing]

to add to what Dr B has said Jazzey,
I don't think anyone here can pass me out in the anti med race,(only in relation to myself)
but! I have figured out that I was my own worst enemy by maintaining my stance on not takeing meds, hence I was hospitalised a few times, suicidal a lot of the time etc etc..
I am now on meds despite my reservations and the side effects.. I still don't like taking them but who said I had to like it.
I am at least trying to give them a shot..
You are not doing yourself any favours Jazzey, just like I wasn't, I hope you can see this and maybe try as I am trying to give them another go.
What have you to lose??

---------- Post added at 07:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:14 PM ----------

I am really angry with myself right now, but I can't pin it to anything concrete that I've done, not done etc.

Jazzey maybe you are not angry with yourself?
you have a lot to be angry about but I wonder if it is others you could be angry with.

I really hope you can get back into therapy sessions again soon.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That was my intention. I forgot the first night and then I didn't.

Thank you Dr. Baxter. What you wrote makes sense.

Hi Sue - I don't think this is done consciously. I think Dr. Baxter is spot on. But I'm not sure that this is consciously done. I am really angry with myself right now, but I can't pin it to anything concrete that I've done, not done etc.

I'm sure it's not done consciously. You're angry with yourself for "allowing" these things to happen to you. That's an emotional reaction to something that intellectually you know full well is irrational. You didn't "allow" those things to happen to you. Those things were done to you against your will.

But it's not enough to pay lip service to this by acknowledging that it's probably true.

Stop looking at that bottle and take one of your doses of medication. Do it now before you talk yourself out of it. It's not going to change how you feel immediately but the sooner you start the sooner it can start to help.

 

[Jazzey]

I thought about this question alot AC. And I may be a little angry with a few people. But the anger I have towards them doesn't come close to the anger I feel towards myself. But again, I can't pin the anger to anything. The only thought: "why can't you defend yourself with people". But even then, that's pretty weak.

 

[Jazzey]

Stop looking at that bottle and take one of your doses of medication. Do it now before you talk yourself out of it. It's not going to change how you feel immediately but the sooner you start the sooner it can start to help.

Done.

And thanks again Dr. Baxter.

 

[Always Changing]

Jazzey,
I have an alarm set on my cell phone to remind me to take mine, only for it I know I would have forgotten lots of times. Can you set some kind of reminder for yourself in case you forget?

I am not going to tell you to not be angry at yourself because that would be hypocritical of me, because I was so angry at myself at the time, what I can say is that I can relate to that feeling and I dare say a lot of your thinking around it, with help from your therapist you can redirect that anger to where it truly belongs, it was very hard for me to do this, it took time and effort but eventually it did happen.

I am sorry you are experiencing this :hug:

 

[SoSo]

hi jazzey,
i am sorry that you are in this space right now, or were, just trying to read posts. i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better. i agree with what dr. b. said, just took my prozac i have refused to take for 2 weeks as i 'crashed n' burned' last night so by you posting this you have helped me, so thank you. if nothing else i can do, which isn't much, can this little ole' granny give you a big caring hug:hug: and say i hope someday, soon, it won't be this way for you.
soso:hide:

 

[Banned]

Sorry Turtle, I didn't answer your questions last night because I didn't want to lie to you and I'm embarrassed about being so irresponsible.

So Q1: No, Q2: I don't have any other appointments with her and the wait time is usually about 4 to 6 weeks. I tried to make another appointment on Friday but they don't book on Fridays. I'll call tomorrow.

Sorry Turtle - I know you probably figured out what my answers were any way but, like I said, I felt that I'd dismissed you - not because of you though.

No worries, Jazzey. I didn't feel dismissed at all. I'm very much in the same place as you - off meds and fighting it. I'm hearing what David is saying to you, and trying to apply it to me as well. I'm glad you've started to take them again. You deserve to be better.

 

[ladylore]

You both do. :2thumbs:

 

[NicNak]

Hi Jazzey. I set my watch alarm to go off at 10pm every evening (my meds are to be taken before bed) that reminds me to take them.

If it is a morning medication schedule maybe take it when you are doing something you do every morning, like before brushing your teeth.

When I first started taking meds, I baught one of those day to day pill boxes and left it on the dining room table, which was a place I would often pass and notice.

I try to not put too much conscientious thought into that I am taking medication or an anti depressant. I am aware of the side effects etc. but daily I think of it like taking a "one a day vitamin" I just take it.

You are in my thoughts Jazzey :support:

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks everyone.

Soso, I'm happy that you're taking your medication again, and I'll gladly take that hug - :hug:

Turtle, I'm sorry that you're there right now. Hang on and take good care of yourself. :hug:

And thank you LL and NN :hug:

 

[Banned]

Thanks Jazzey.

I hope you can find your way out of this terrible place you're in. Were you able to get another app't with your therapist? Will you take your meds again tomorrow? Do you have a good support network in place? I really want you to be well. You're a kind soul and deserve peace and happiness. You need to do your part though (ie attend therapy, take your meds, and reach out when needed).

 

[Jazzey]

Thanks Turtle. I've taken the medication tonight and do plan on continuing. I haven't yet booked an appointment yet though - I got busy at work today and I forgot. But I am planning on doing all those things. And, no alcohol.

Thanks Turtle - I hope you find your place too. Thank you for reaching out to me when you're in that place yourself. I want you to be happy too Turtle, you're also a good soul who's deserving of feeling good very soon! :hug:

 

[Banned]

I'm glad to hear that, Jazzey. I hope you'll make that app't tomorrow.

I'm doing ok. I'm not depressed or suicidal right now, in the way I have been in the past. I'm just resisting meds and have gone off them as well. But I'm doing ok.

I just need you to get to that happy place that you so deserve.