In love

[sister]

I'm in love with my driving teacher, he is 20 years older than me and doesn't know anything about my feelings. And I can't tell it him. I'm thinking about him all the time and i realize that he is the very man I need. But it's impossible for me to make first steps myself. And he keeps ignoring me. He treats me like a child, (I'm the same age as his son). What should I do? Our lessons are over now. I'm really crazy now, head over heels.

I've tried many tricks to distruct my thoughts from him, nothing works. I need him. I don't want to have anyone else, all other guys are nothing to me, I'd rather stay alone.

 

[HA]

in love

Welcome sister,

My thoughts about this kind of generation gap....yuck. I visualise you are wearing jeans and him wearing orange plaid polyester pants. I just don't see how this could work but I know little about these kinds of things.

The only book that I found really helpful in learning about "relationships" is Women & Love by Mira Kirshenbaum. I would recommend you read this.

Here is an excerpt. "Falling-In-love, Danger #1. Infatuation, your nuts about a guy but your not in the kind of relationship with him where you are developing feelings for each other.....Look, feel whatever you want to feel. But know that the strength, power and passion of your feelings have absolutely nothing to do with wether there is anything good for you here. Because your feelings are not based on reality they can become super charged. After all, you havent confronted anything real."

She also has a section that deals with the age gap that you are dealing with. Excellent book!

Women & Love: Finding True Love While Staying True to Yourself: The Eight Make-Or-Break Experiences in Women's Lives: Kirshenbaum, Mira: 9780380802227: Amazon.com: Books

Take care

 

[sister]

in love

Thank you for advise.
My question is: how to behave??? I don't know, whether I should go and tell him everything. May be there is any hope... I felt a certain warmth, he had towards me, kind of... But even if he also has any feelings, he couldn't show it, I'm too young for him. And he is a very decent man, with moral rules. This might be the reason, why he didn't make any steps. So, perhaps it is me who is supposed to act in this situation?
Or should I leave him alone and suffer on my own?

PS: we are both wearing jeans

 

[just mary]

in love

Welcome Sister,

My advice would be to stay away for at least a few months and then see how you feel. By the way, is he married?

 

[sister]

in love

No, he is devorsed. I haven's seen him for several weeks already, and it hurts. I want to be with him.

And there is one more thing: I didn't pay any attention to men before. At all. I somehow used to have other interests, and I didn't notice them. And now i feel such a tenderness to my teacher, it frightens me. It is like waking up.

 

[just mary]

in love

I would wait several more weeks, maybe take some time and read that book HeartArt recommmended. Twenty years is a big difference.

Take care.

 

[cm]

in love

Hello sister and welcome,

I understand how you're feeling, I think. For me, those feelings were a joy and pain at the same time. From my experience, I would recommend that you work on developing your own self/identity first. Like discovering what you want to do with your life, career-wise, and put your time and energy into that for a couple of years. Also just enjoy your freedom and youth for a while. Travel a bit and meet lots of different people if you can. That's so much easier said than done when the chemicals of 'love' are affecting the brain. After I became healthier, I realized that the feelings and thoughts I had about someone were actually obsessions which I allowed to continue like an addiction (I would go from depression to 'love' obsession, unknowingly).
cm

 

[sister]

in love

Thank you.
And how to handle this persisting daydreaming? I just can't stop it. May be it is better to act, than to suffer? Even if I go to him and get into a silly and unpleasant situation, it will be a temporary pain, and it will give me a certain result, negative or positive, but a result. And if I leave it as it is and try to forget him, it can take too much time, it will be just waste of my youth. How can I think about arranging my future, when there is only him in my head? And all other things are all the same to me? It's such a difficult position, I can't get through it.
Thank you all the same.

 

[ThatLady]

in love

To be honest, this sounds more like infatuation than love, hon. Love develops over time, and during an ongoing relationship. It doesn't sound like you've had a relationship with this man beyond that which developed between a driving teacher and his student. You haven't dated, nor have you shared time together beyond the driving lessons.

Young people often become infatuated with teachers, or counsellors, or others who help them learn the lessons of youth. It passes, and new relationships come along to take its place. The best thing to do is to realize this, and to go on with your life. Hang out with friends, do interesting things, go to movies, and generally have fun. This infatuation WILL pass if you'll keep yourself busy and entertained with other things. Honest, it will.

 

[just mary]

in love

I agree with ThatLady and infatuation isn't just for the young, I still get infatuated and I'm 36. But I understand it for what it is now and I try to focus on other things but it is difficult. I have to constantly tell myself that he's just a human being and he can't "save me" (that's embarrassing to write but I think I'm being honest with myself when I write it). It's just the context that I know him in. And as ThatLady says, "love develops over time in an ongoing relationship". The trick is to really develop some new interests and just enjoy being 20 and single.

Again, take care.

 

[sister]

in love

All that you say is absolutely true. I wonder, how can you understand my situation out of such small messages, but you do. I guess it is a wide-spread problem. And it is really an infatuation, but a very pure and deep one. And my teacher is to blame for it. He used to be too caring and tender and a bit intimate. Of course he enjoyed innocent flirting with a naive girl, and didn't foresee possible qonsequences. And now I'm here. O'k, I'll have to handle it.

 

[fancy792]

in love

I remember having a simillar situation we had 16 yrs apart. I had lots in common and I taugh he was just right. I couldn't tell him anything cause I wasn't sure on his part. I've realise later that it was similar to a fantasy. I've spend lots of time dreaming and missing him it felt so real. Give it time and in my case its a very nice souvenir now. The best for me was to talk about it and also write down my feelings. Let us know how you make out.

 

[ThatLady]

in love

I had a psychiatrist tell me once that it was very important to discern between dreams and fantasies. Dreams are those things that drive us to give our best effort. Fantasies serve no other purpose than escape. Fantasies can never come true. Dreams can, but they take work to achieve.

That's stuck with me and helped me through a lot of situations of this type. I hope it will be helpful for you, too, hon. )

 

[sister]

in love

Yeah, i guess it's all fantasies in my case. I'm even sure of it, but it doesn't change anything. I have a feeling, that i'll never be happy any more. And this time will never repeat. I'll live and work and have a family and children and so on, but it will be just because it have to be so. And my real happiness was connected with that man, and it's away now. I can't call him and say "i love you", i'm a coward. So i'm dreaming and feeling that my life is over now, with 20. Sounds silly? - perhaps, but i feel it in this way. I don't need anything but him. And i don't really want to live any more. But i have parents and can't, just have no right to hurt them, so i have to continue this life, without any interest and wishes.

Thank you for concern.

 

[HA]

in love

Dear sister,

If you have had thoughts of suicide then you are experiencing depression. Please don't assume that your feelings are only related to your situation with this man. Please seek professional help to get this sorted out. You need more than a message board to help you with this.

Make an appointment with your family doctor or a therapist as soon as possible.

Take care

 

[ThatLady]

in love

What HeartArt said, I very much agree with. If you're feeling so down that you're thinking you don't want to live anymore, this is more about depression than anything else, hon. Contact your doctor and arrange to get some help.

 

[sister]

in love

No, i know what depression is - this is another thing.
And a'm not going to commit suicide at all, i just don't want to live without him. But i will do it, without any wish. Happiness is not for me any more. And i'm looking at life as at kind of healthy but nasty food. I eat it patiently, i must do it, but it doesnt taste, i go through it without any feelings. I'm cold and indifferent. But i'm not depressed, i just love him too much. Love has taken everything else away from my mind. I miss him.
I believe no psychologist can help me, because no psychologist can give him to me, and he is the only thing in this world i want. Perhaps time will cure it, but i'm sure, that i'll naver be happy.
And i'm aware of what i'm saying, i'm aware of the situation, and i'm rather calm and reasonable.
The only strange thing is, that he has no idea about my feelings. I was rather cold with him, treated him as a person, who is much oler than me, officially and indifferent. He couldn't even guess. He would be very much surprised.

 

[HA]

in love

I don't need anything but him. And i don't really want to live any more. But i have parents and can't, just have no right to hurt them, so i have to continue this life, without any interest and wishes.

Dear sister,

The above quote is what causes us concern and makes us think that you may be depressed.

You have posted on a psychology site message board asking for help. We are trying to help you by suggesting that you speak to a professional about these things that are upsetting your life to the point where you don't want to live.

That is the best help we can offer you. Please seek professional help in person without waiting too long. You will be helped if you do this.

 

[sister]

in love

Could you answer a single question please: should i find him and tell him everything or shuuldn't i and why?
It is very important to me to get a reply and advise. More than a month has passed, and nothing has changed. I know that this love won't go away, it will last for years, i feel it.
What if i go and tell him, wouldn't it be a solution of this torture? It seemes to be a way out, but i'm so much afraid to do it. Please, say, why can't i do it, why am i so afraid? I can't manage it myself, i can't understand it. And i can't go to a psychologist, cause in this case i'll have explain to my parents the reason for it, and i can't speak about it with my parents. I can't speak about it at all, even with my close friend, just can't.
Just say, why can't i go to him? Is seemes to be so easy and so natural. It is the best thing to do in this situation, but i can't.
Thank you and sorry for being so hysterical.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

in love

Could you answer a single question please: should i find him and tell him everything or shuuldn't i and why?

No.

Why? Because the only thing that can come of this is stress and sadness for you. There is no good future with him.

He is old enough to be your father. He has a son your age. What do you have in common? He teaches people to drive cars and you took lessons from him. That's is. That's all. That's where it ends.

You need to find someone your own age who has the same dreams as you and build a life with him. This man has already done that.