Hi all,
Now it is my time to post that I decided today that I need help.
Ever since I have my dog (three weeks now) it confronted me with how I feel. I carry too much weight (literally as well as figuratively). I knew it would be confronting to have a living animal in my home, but I had to choose for it. I feel sort of dead too, without it.
Yesterday I rang up my mother asking her if she would come over today to help me with some groceries. But shortly before she got here it struck me hard that I suddenly thought: I need councelling. I felt so utterly tired, exhausted and when I did the groceries by myself while my mother was helping in the house, I almost felt like I fainted. The weight is enormous.
Now that does not surprise me. I have blocked out the last 13 years at least. That is exactly the time that I was hospitalized, got out after 20 months full of therapy, with a PTSD until now). I know that the things in my home belong to me, but I don't recognize them. There is a huge gap missing in my life.
I feel awful. I don't know what will happen. I have to call my doctor and make an appointment to ask for a psychiatrist or psychologist. Now that I can do, but my biggest fear is that it won't be sufficient in time. Meaning that perhaps I do have to go to a mental institute to get day treatment or even being hospitalized again.
And then the fear of losing my dog comes in. She is a homeless dog from Greece, survived very much and now she is here. If I could not keep her, that would be so tough for me and her.
I feel insecure, down, upset also. Just the thought that if I would go on like this, the next week I will feel exhausted just as today is making me tense. It feels like surviving, being glad with every day that I can do the things I need to do.
I just feel so afraid.
Now it is my time to post that I decided today that I need help.
Ever since I have my dog (three weeks now) it confronted me with how I feel. I carry too much weight (literally as well as figuratively). I knew it would be confronting to have a living animal in my home, but I had to choose for it. I feel sort of dead too, without it.
Yesterday I rang up my mother asking her if she would come over today to help me with some groceries. But shortly before she got here it struck me hard that I suddenly thought: I need councelling. I felt so utterly tired, exhausted and when I did the groceries by myself while my mother was helping in the house, I almost felt like I fainted. The weight is enormous.
Now that does not surprise me. I have blocked out the last 13 years at least. That is exactly the time that I was hospitalized, got out after 20 months full of therapy, with a PTSD until now). I know that the things in my home belong to me, but I don't recognize them. There is a huge gap missing in my life.
I feel awful. I don't know what will happen. I have to call my doctor and make an appointment to ask for a psychiatrist or psychologist. Now that I can do, but my biggest fear is that it won't be sufficient in time. Meaning that perhaps I do have to go to a mental institute to get day treatment or even being hospitalized again.
And then the fear of losing my dog comes in. She is a homeless dog from Greece, survived very much and now she is here. If I could not keep her, that would be so tough for me and her.
I feel insecure, down, upset also. Just the thought that if I would go on like this, the next week I will feel exhausted just as today is making me tense. It feels like surviving, being glad with every day that I can do the things I need to do.
I just feel so afraid.