Insecure about the future

[Suzette]

Hi all,

Now it is my time to post that I decided today that I need help.

Ever since I have my dog (three weeks now) it confronted me with how I feel. I carry too much weight (literally as well as figuratively). I knew it would be confronting to have a living animal in my home, but I had to choose for it. I feel sort of dead too, without it.

Yesterday I rang up my mother asking her if she would come over today to help me with some groceries. But shortly before she got here it struck me hard that I suddenly thought: I need councelling. I felt so utterly tired, exhausted and when I did the groceries by myself while my mother was helping in the house, I almost felt like I fainted. The weight is enormous.

Now that does not surprise me. I have blocked out the last 13 years at least. That is exactly the time that I was hospitalized, got out after 20 months full of therapy, with a PTSD until now). I know that the things in my home belong to me, but I don't recognize them. There is a huge gap missing in my life.

I feel awful. I don't know what will happen. I have to call my doctor and make an appointment to ask for a psychiatrist or psychologist. Now that I can do, but my biggest fear is that it won't be sufficient in time. Meaning that perhaps I do have to go to a mental institute to get day treatment or even being hospitalized again.

And then the fear of losing my dog comes in. She is a homeless dog from Greece, survived very much and now she is here. If I could not keep her, that would be so tough for me and her.

I feel insecure, down, upset also. Just the thought that if I would go on like this, the next week I will feel exhausted just as today is making me tense. It feels like surviving, being glad with every day that I can do the things I need to do.

I just feel so afraid.

 

[Suzette]

Hi all,

Now it is my time to post that I decided today that I need help.

Ever since I have my dog (three weeks now) it confronted me with how I feel. I carry too much weight (literally as well as figuratively). I knew it would be confronting to have a living animal in my home, but I had to choose for it. I feel sort of dead too, without it.

Yesterday I rang up my mother asking her if she would come over today to help me with some groceries. But shortly before she got here it struck me hard that I suddenly thought: I need councelling. I felt so utterly tired, exhausted and when I did the groceries by myself while my mother was helping in the house, I almost felt like I fainted. The weight is enormous.

Now that does not surprise me. I have blocked out the last 13 years at least. That is exactly the time that I was hospitalized, got out after 20 months full of therapy, with a PTSD until now). I know that the things in my home belong to me, but I don't recognize them. There is a huge gap missing in my life.

I feel awful. I don't know what will happen. I have to call my doctor and make an appointment to ask for a psychiatrist or psychologist. Now that I can do, but my biggest fear is that it won't be sufficient in time. Meaning that perhaps I do have to go to a mental institute to get day treatment or even being hospitalized again.

And then the fear of losing my dog comes in. She is a homeless dog from Greece, survived very much and now she is here. If I could not keep her, that would be so tough for me and her.

I feel insecure, down, upset also. Just the thought that if I would go on like this, the next week I will feel exhausted just as today is making me tense. It feels like surviving, being glad with every day that I can do the things I need to do.

I just feel so afraid.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Unless you pose an active danger of harm to yourself or to another person, it is unlikely that anyone will want to put you in a hospital, Suzette. There are simply too few beds available to occupy them with patients who don't need to b e there and who can be treated as outpatients.

I realize a lot of people worry about this. In the vast majority of cases, it is an unnecessary worry.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Unless you pose an active danger of harm to yourself or to another person, it is unlikely that anyone will want to put you in a hospital, Suzette. There are simply too few beds available to occupy them with patients who don't need to b e there and who can be treated as outpatients.

I realize a lot of people worry about this. In the vast majority of cases, it is an unnecessary worry.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you David. It is just that I know it is still severe what I am dealing with. Sometimes it hits me straight in the face.

Just writing down that I blocked my emotions for a number of years while in those years it was all rush and hard work to keep going. I did not feel like I could afford to slow down. It was like living three lives at once.

Noone can tell me what to expect. Perhaps it are also memories from the time before I was hospitalized back in 1993. I had also had therapy sessions for years already back then before it became clear very suddenly I was seriously ill. It started innocent but became a nightmare. I might be mixing that up, I don't know.

I wish I could feel proud that I dare to take the step again to see a counsellor/therapist. But all I could feel this morning was: "then what the hell did I do all those years??" Like I had lost everything I achieved.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you David. It is just that I know it is still severe what I am dealing with. Sometimes it hits me straight in the face.

Just writing down that I blocked my emotions for a number of years while in those years it was all rush and hard work to keep going. I did not feel like I could afford to slow down. It was like living three lives at once.

Noone can tell me what to expect. Perhaps it are also memories from the time before I was hospitalized back in 1993. I had also had therapy sessions for years already back then before it became clear very suddenly I was seriously ill. It started innocent but became a nightmare. I might be mixing that up, I don't know.

I wish I could feel proud that I dare to take the step again to see a counsellor/therapist. But all I could feel this morning was: "then what the hell did I do all those years??" Like I had lost everything I achieved.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's a journey. Nothing is really lost. It's all taking you somewhere...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's a journey. Nothing is really lost. It's all taking you somewhere...

 

[Suzette]

As long as I don't lose my dog, I have to go on that journey.

First let's see how I respond to getting an appointment.

Thank you David, for your feedback.


Suzette

 

[Suzette]

As long as I don't lose my dog, I have to go on that journey.

First let's see how I respond to getting an appointment.

Thank you David, for your feedback.


Suzette

 

[ThatLady]

Good luck to you, Suzette. This is a big step for you, I know. Please keep us informed on how things are going for you.

 

[ThatLady]

Good luck to you, Suzette. This is a big step for you, I know. Please keep us informed on how things are going for you.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you very much ThatLady, I will.

I wish I could be more active in responding to others but I have difficulties concentrating.

Again thank you

 

[Suzette]

Thank you very much ThatLady, I will.

I wish I could be more active in responding to others but I have difficulties concentrating.

Again thank you

 

[Suzette]

Hi all,

I am a couple of weeks later now. My doctor will apply me for counselling but only the first session might be weeks from now. But I am glad I set it into motion.

I feel busy ever since I have my dog (about six weeks now). We go out four times a day and inbetween I have to do errands and sleep in the afternoon, cook for myself, do the household things. My mother has helped me in the first weeks with cooking since I was too tired of all the new impressions to do that.

I still have no clue whatsoever about how to pick up my life. At times like today I feel like everybody is having a life with a clear goal, but not me. I feel like someone who keeps living in the past. I probably am.

My self esteem is not very high at the moment. I keep comparing myself to others and then I conclude that I make steps but small ones.

I don't feel valued enough by my family for what I am capable of. I cannot show them how difficult the days can be. There is always the old anger towards them dating from years ago when they all, one after the other, left my parents home (including my parents) and I was left behind. I was not human enough to cope with that, I stopped breathing after a while. Literally.

The anger towards them is still there. Just skin deep. So many times I was being told: you don't let go of your anger and I agreed. But I have no clue how to do that. I could when I was young though. I could forgive and forget.

I feel like a person without a goal, without a passion for something I want to focus on in life. I have no clue. I don't know where I come from so I don't know where I am going.

So many people don't seem to have any problem to move on all the time. But for me it is the most difficult thing one can ask. I hope you can understand how 'great' I feel.

The key word is: no clue. And it really hurts not to know what I am doing it all for.

Can anyone relate to this or give some advice how I can slowly pick up my life, even in the smallest way? Please don't laugh, I just don't know. I feel blind for that matter.

Thank you in advance,


Suzette

 

[Suzette]

Hi all,

I am a couple of weeks later now. My doctor will apply me for counselling but only the first session might be weeks from now. But I am glad I set it into motion.

I feel busy ever since I have my dog (about six weeks now). We go out four times a day and inbetween I have to do errands and sleep in the afternoon, cook for myself, do the household things. My mother has helped me in the first weeks with cooking since I was too tired of all the new impressions to do that.

I still have no clue whatsoever about how to pick up my life. At times like today I feel like everybody is having a life with a clear goal, but not me. I feel like someone who keeps living in the past. I probably am.

My self esteem is not very high at the moment. I keep comparing myself to others and then I conclude that I make steps but small ones.

I don't feel valued enough by my family for what I am capable of. I cannot show them how difficult the days can be. There is always the old anger towards them dating from years ago when they all, one after the other, left my parents home (including my parents) and I was left behind. I was not human enough to cope with that, I stopped breathing after a while. Literally.

The anger towards them is still there. Just skin deep. So many times I was being told: you don't let go of your anger and I agreed. But I have no clue how to do that. I could when I was young though. I could forgive and forget.

I feel like a person without a goal, without a passion for something I want to focus on in life. I have no clue. I don't know where I come from so I don't know where I am going.

So many people don't seem to have any problem to move on all the time. But for me it is the most difficult thing one can ask. I hope you can understand how 'great' I feel.

The key word is: no clue. And it really hurts not to know what I am doing it all for.

Can anyone relate to this or give some advice how I can slowly pick up my life, even in the smallest way? Please don't laugh, I just don't know. I feel blind for that matter.

Thank you in advance,


Suzette

 

[ThatLady]

Looks to me like you are picking up your life, hon. It also looks like you have a goal. You have arranged to get counselling started. That's a big step. Perhaps you'll have to wait a bit to actually begin the counselling, but you have made positive steps in that direction. Give yourself credit for taking action.

It often seems, when we're troubled, that everyone around us is just sailing through life without a problem in the world. That's usually not the way it is, at all. Everybody has difficulties. Some people have more problems than other people, but nobody has a free ride. It's just easy to assume that others are not having problems because ours are looming so large at the moment. Believe me, hon, you're not alone.

Once you begin counselling, you can deal with some of the anger issues and other things that carry over from the past. Just remember, it's little steps. The first step is to get the counselling started. You've begun the process and now need to have a bit of patience for things to start happening. It's also important that you congratulate yourself for taking these steps. You ARE doing something about it. That's important! )

 

[ThatLady]

Looks to me like you are picking up your life, hon. It also looks like you have a goal. You have arranged to get counselling started. That's a big step. Perhaps you'll have to wait a bit to actually begin the counselling, but you have made positive steps in that direction. Give yourself credit for taking action.

It often seems, when we're troubled, that everyone around us is just sailing through life without a problem in the world. That's usually not the way it is, at all. Everybody has difficulties. Some people have more problems than other people, but nobody has a free ride. It's just easy to assume that others are not having problems because ours are looming so large at the moment. Believe me, hon, you're not alone.

Once you begin counselling, you can deal with some of the anger issues and other things that carry over from the past. Just remember, it's little steps. The first step is to get the counselling started. You've begun the process and now need to have a bit of patience for things to start happening. It's also important that you congratulate yourself for taking these steps. You ARE doing something about it. That's important! )

 

[Suzette]

Hi ThatLady,

Thank you very much for your feedback.

You also wrote: "You've begun the process and now need to have a bit of patience for things to start happening."

This I recognize myself in. Having the patience is hard for me.

It is no use to compare myself. I have not led and probably will not lead a relatively normal life. Well I am used to that now but the people I see most are my brothers who both tend to 'escape' in focussing on the future all the time by keep going and going and going. (Well I can write a lot about that but I won't.)

Patience seems to be the key word here. Patience ánd trust.

The next time I will feel lost I will read what you wrote.

Thank you again


Suzette

 

[Suzette]

Hi ThatLady,

Thank you very much for your feedback.

You also wrote: "You've begun the process and now need to have a bit of patience for things to start happening."

This I recognize myself in. Having the patience is hard for me.

It is no use to compare myself. I have not led and probably will not lead a relatively normal life. Well I am used to that now but the people I see most are my brothers who both tend to 'escape' in focussing on the future all the time by keep going and going and going. (Well I can write a lot about that but I won't.)

Patience seems to be the key word here. Patience ánd trust.

The next time I will feel lost I will read what you wrote.

Thank you again


Suzette