Irrational Guilt in the relationship....?

[eva]

Hey folks. I wanted to share something that's been bugging me for a little while now and I'm honestly not sure how to deal with it all the time.

I've been in a relationship for about 3 and a half years. I care about my boyfriend very much we are very comfortable with our relationship. We both still live with our families for financial reasons. But, he is going to have to move out soon and find an apartment to share with his brother because their parents want to sell their house. His current job would not afford him the cost of living (he works 30> hours a week at maybe a few dimes above minimum wage). After 5 years with the same company and jobhunting for a year, he's had no upward mobility or other opportunities come up.

I've been a little more lucky as of late. I've been working at a very nice theatre building and it pays quite well for part-time. On top of this, I was also just selected to write for an up and coming website that specializes in news and discussion of film, tv, video games and pop culture. I was having a very hard time finding opportunities that suited my skills a few years ago and I'm very glad that my luck is beginning to turn, but I'm feeling guilt that my partner is struggling. The guilt is even starting to turn into frustration and impatience - I know that he used to be less motivated about jobhunting- instead doing 'carpetbombs' of applications maybe once a month instead of doing a little bit at a time. I've since called him on this and made sure he changed his methods. He's also an aspiring writer, but his attention span very rarely allows him to finish ideas that he starts, and in the end he just procrastinates, uses "writer's block" as an excuse, and wishes instead of acts.

I'm already having a hard time not believing that his lack of finding opportunities or moving forward might be his own fault. Which, speaking as a realist, I'm willing to consider that it might be, but I don't want to fail at being supportive. And now on top of it, I'm scared that he'll get frustrated and lose interest in either me or his goals because of my hard work and good luck. Rationally speaking, I shouldn't feel guilty over the fact that my skills and qualifications are different and I shouldn't have to deliberately undermine by own accomplishments just because he doesn't have them too. I don't want to feel guilty, but I don't want to be aloof and unavailable either. I'm not sure where to draw the line between being supportive and just coddling him, and it's giving me a hell of a headache.

 

[W00BY]

Well it is clearly eating away at you!

I would try and find some way to discuss or bring up the subject before you just explode or do start "acting out" on things that may be down to your own frustration.

I have worked hard on my relationship with my own boyfriend particularly with communication.

We both used to say nothing and expect the other to be able to read each others minds.

And to a certain extent it does happen but due to my therapy sessions I became aware of the fact that I actually said very little to anyone about how I truly felt about situations.

And as my boyfriend was my closest relationship I was doing it the most with him.

I now understand if you don't speak up no one knows and if like me you then explode eventually and it all comes pouring out you risk damaging the relationship, misrepresenting yourself and bring out something at an unsuitable time and way usually leaving yourself with as much baggage as anyone else.

You could take a more proactive stance and help him in his endeavors or find new ways of motivating him.

Fear of your own feelings (and expressing them) when they are out of sync with the norm in your relationship is understandable, however you can only gauge the strength and worth of your relationship at these moments.

I have found cutting out the stress of how I am feeling and actually speaking about what is stressing me takes up far less time and energy, my boyfriend may not like what I have to say sometimes but invariably he will return having thought about what I have expressed and the relationship then moves in a direction I am happier with or we simply talk about it and it is resolved there and then.

Everything in life is a risk, you seem like an intelligent and highly motivated young woman (who cares deeply for her partner) and appear to be able to see where you want to be

I think you can resolve this to your own satisfaction using these skills.

 

[eva]

Thanks, that was very insightful!

I think what I'd like to do before I air out how I'm feeling is making sure of how he feels first so we can get on the same page. I've been asking him if he's not upset or bitter because of my turn in luck and he says he's okay with things and supportive to me, so I think as long as he's telling the truth that's good for now. And also I'd like to make sure that our options and the choices that are within are control are truly exhausted before I start airing any really damning feelings - we can get my mom to look at and edit his resume because she used to write people's resumes for a living, he's looking into a good career counselor, and he's working on improving his writing and networking with peers at his own pace. When and if our options become exhausted and I know we've done what's within our power, then I can get a little more serious.