Is my partner's ex a narcissist?

[moomoo]

Hi,

I've been with my current partner for around 4 years.

His ex wife left him for another man 4 years ago.

They have 2 daughters together. (they were together for 5 years total and she left her first husband for him)

His ex has been bearable (for the most part) so we are happy about that, but there have been a few incidences which have made me doubt her mental stability.

To begin with she was happy that my partner had found someone else (me) but then had a period of trying to get him back. This behaviour really hurt my partner mostly because she was NOT apologetic and made no attempt to 'win' her way back - instead made subtle comments and suggestions... For example his ex thought it would be perfectly OK for him to continue to take her out on family outings. ie Picnics etc. She booked a holiday about 8 months after their separation and called him from the resort to invite him up!

I should point out that he and I had discussed him returning to the marriage and I was in support of that idea - since they did have children, and I was unsure about where our relationship was headed.

She even tried to move in with us at one stage - my partner has 2 houses on the property here and she proposed that she could move into the other house.

Apart from her attempts to insinuate herself back into my partners life she has also behaved viciously.

She (before they had court orders) would change agreed arrangements with the children and even went so far as to call the police when my partner arrived to collect his children one morning.

She admitted that she was hoping to get a better financial settlement by using her >50% share of the kids to do it.

So she's inappropriate and selfish...

At this current time she is attempting to get the children for even more time. She is attempting to move the children out-of -state, so she can have more like 70% of the children's time.

This brings up a whole new set of issues.

We don't know why she wants to go so badly... Perhaps
1. She wants to apply for child support
2. She wants greater control of the children
3. She wants to 'prove her love' to her new boyfriend
4. She is jealous because we are now getting married
5. She wants to punish my partner and is using the kids as weapons.

Anyway, after 4 years I still cannot figure her out - she is quiet and leaves us alone sometimes for as long as a year at a time.

She has consistantly refused communication thoughout the years though - she prefers to send messages through the kids. She has blocked my partners phone number and email accounts from sending to her. She removed communication books from schoolbags. (she did these things years ago). Not only that but she asks for special favours! Just this year she got the kids to ask me and their dad if I could look after her DOG while she was overseas!

Their dad was coincedentally OS too so I had the kids, her dog and my own pets to look after all alone. (and she knew this) I did it (because I love dogs and because I hoped it would improve things between the parties). But received No thanks or even acknowlegement!

So she is inappropriate, selfish, insecure and expects special not to be reciprocated favours.

I'd really love any insight anyone has.

 

[braveheart]

Re: Is my partners ex a narcisist?

Insecure people often seem selfish, and don't quite know how to be with people. That's my experience, anyway.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know that her behavior suggests narcissism - egocentricity, perhaps, or as braveheart suggests, insensitivity and insecurity to the point where she is so self-focused that she is unable to see things anyone's viewpoint but her own - or perhaps she does these things only with you and your partner out of anger. One thing to look at is how she is with her children or with other people. How was she with your partner when they were together, for example?

 

[moomoo]

It's hard to know what she is truly like - we've only ever said Hello to each other!

But I have this intense curiosity about her - simply because she behaves in ways I find almost bizarre.

She and I have similarities (we are both aggressive) for example - but we differ in some crucial aspects.

My mother was actually the first person to suggest that she may have NPD.

My mother based that on the complaints that she had this incredible sense of entitlement - regarding my partners assets, also because when she left the marriage she was declaring that she "deserved to be adored" etc...

She also suffers from anxiety - she has this - I don't know - compulsion? to move furniture around the house - every few months each room is completely re-arranged. Even to the point when each member of the family is swapping bedrooms.
Very weird.
She used to suffer from panic attacks - my mum said those 2 issues would be related (room-re-arranging + panic attacks)

I know she breaks a LOT of promises to the kids.
She promised them a poodle, kitten, guinea pigs, chickens, piano lessons, parties at theme parks, visits to museums, last year she promised to come to their dance recital...
Currently she is promising them a pony and cart and 2 puppies (for breeding)

Not sure what would make a parent break promises like that... in fact I don't believe she has ever delivered on any of her promises to the kids - they get so excited - somehow she manages to smooth things over with them as they are never angry about it.

They've been disappointed though - the dance recital was the worst - it was all we could do to get them to get on stage. They were devastated.

Then she rang the kids the next day and told them that she had been there!

We went along with her lie - for the kids' sake - but we knew both of the ticket takers and we asked them if they had seen her on the night... we looked for her in the intermission.

I still think something is wrong with her - perhaps it's not NPD - I don't know enough about it and I also don't know her well enough, but I find it soothing to write about her.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know a couple of people like that. In fact, you could be describing one of them in particular.

I do think it's some sort of personality disorder with the key characteristics of the sense of entitlement, promises never kept, and lying you mention plus extreme egocentricity and an exaggerated need for attention. Maybe there is an element of narcissism there - I'm not generally in psychologist mode when I have to see her so I haven't really given it a lot of thought... other than doing my best to avoid her...

 

[moomoo]

I know - it's so great when she leaves us alone!

I feel much better now that I've posted how I see her as a person, it feels good to write about all the things she has done (to the kids) - they behave as though it is not such a big deal -so I sometimes feel like I'm imagining things... I know that doesn't make sense LOL.

As the children get older (they are 6 & 7) I'm unsure how their relationship with their mum will develop.

I know their mum expects that the children will sooner or later live with her full time.
She has already stated that they 'belong' with her - that she is their mother and as such has the strongest natural bond with them... LOL.

I do find that amusing - not because I don't think they share a bond - but because I've learned that it takes time and work to develop the bonds of which she speaks.