Is this normal anxiety?

[Little_Girl_Blue]

Somebody please help me.

I'm still an intern at work. I've been there for about four or five months. The person I work with and my boss have been giving me increasing responsibilities. Now they have both left on vacation at the same time and have left me to do the work on my own. And there's a lot of work to be done right now.

This is already very stress-inducing. I know that much.

Now I can't relax when I'm home. I work till late and it's horrible, but it's better than when I'm at home, because at home I can't get things done.

And this Saturday morning I woke up at 4am and kept worrying about all the mistakes I could have made yesterday and then I realize I don't remember having closed my office window. I got dressed and left while my family still slept and went to my office building, which I could not open because my friggin pincode did not work and so I could only check from the outside that my window was closed, but I'm not sure it's locked - if it isn't locked properly it could open and the wind could blow out a bunch of important papers. It has happened before with my co-worker, so it could happen to me. I could have forgoten to lock it. But because I can't properly check I'm going to be worrying ALL WEEKEND-LONG. Honestly, I cannot live with that. I'd rather knock myself out with [[Edit: something]] and sleep the whole time so I don't have to worry.


I can't see what I can do. I am not going to calm down until I can go up there in the building and make sure my window is locked. WHAT CAN I DO???

 

[Mari]

H! Since I am still awake I might as well chat although I am certainly not one to give any advice. If there is a possibity to get to your office or try your pincode again that might ease your mind. If locking the window is a regular routine then it is probably locked and if not - whatever can you do? - so try not to worry. Recently I was away from home and could not stop worrying about leaving an appliance on. My sister has a key to my house so I phoned her and asked her if she would go over and check. Thankfully she did as it eased my mind although I did not leave anything on and the house was fine. Of course then I worried that maybe she did not check properly so I finally told myself to just focus on other things and not think about the house. :heart: Mari

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

If locking the window is a regular routine then it is probably locked

Hi and thanks for the reply. Locking is a regular rountine...so I'm hoping I did lock it, and if not, I'm hoping the janitor saw it open and locked it. Either way, I'm going to try to follow your advice and stop focusing on it because there is nothing I can do now (even tried going a second time to no avail - looked fine from the outiside, but then I'll have to go tomorrow as well to see if it's still looks closed).
Anyway, thanks. Do you regularly think you have left an appliance on or something of that nature? I used to think my room in college (it was a single) was going to catch fire everytime I left campus for a few hours. I think it has something to do with a fear of responsibility. When I switched to a double with somebody else I was no longer worried about stuff like that because the responsibility was shared.

 

[ladylore]

I hope you didn't knock yourself out with any medication (unprescribed). I have been there so I thought I would check in with you.

There was a time in my life where I took on far too much responsibility and really couldn't handle it. In my case, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to look bad, irresponsible...etc. I got to that place where I was eating and sleeping my job. So I did set regular hours. I left at 5, that was it, and I also had to admit that I had taken on far more then I could chew.

The thought process you described I also have suffered from, a bit of obsessive thinking. If it makes you feel better you may just want to go past your workplace and check the windows; once, and only once. You have a private life that you do deserve.

I can tell you that once the obsessive thoughts are gone, my brain relaxes and lets go, it feels so good. Try to do something for yourself this weekend, buy flowers for yourself, or browse a bookstore (I am doing that myself today).

Remember, you are not responsible for everything - no is responsible for everything, so let yourself off the hook this weekend. And I know, easier said then done.

Take gentle care of yourself, you deserve it.

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

No, I didn't knock myself out. I guess I said that because I was in panic and could see no way out. But I was so tired that I managed going back to sleep and then tried to fill up my day with other things so I wouldn't think about it obsessively.

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

[stargazer]

I'm not an expert on anxiety, but I've definitely experienced it under circumstances such as you describe. I would guess that it's normal, especially if there would be consequences for your having made errors or for papers having blown out of the window. In all probability, you locked the window, since you usually do so as part of the closing routine. But it's easy to dwell on the consequences of its having been unlocked, if they could conceivably get you into trouble at work.

Like the previous poster said, I have sometimes taken on too much responsibility, or (in my case) balked at the idea of saying "no" -- especially if it would displease an employer, or possibly lose me needed money from earned income. It helps at those times to know that the employer probably needs you as much as you need them, and that if they didn't believe in you, they wouldn't have presented you with so much responsibility.

So, to communicate with them that you are a little overloaded, without putting it in overly personal or black-and-white terms (i.e., not to get into "you're making me a nervous wreck!), but emphasize a mature communication to the end of improving operations, might be a good thing. My suggestion would be to go about this in an organized way that is non-confrontational.

Good luck!

 

[Retired]

LGB,

There's probabaly nothing more frustrating than not being able to sleep and to have thoughts racing through your mind!

I cannot recall from yoour previous postings, are you being treated for anxiety and/or depression? Are you taking any medications?

Is your sleep disturbed only in the early morning when you are awakened by these thoughts or do you also have difficulty falling asleep?

Have you ever told your doctor about about your early morning awakening?

Looking forward to your responses.

 

[Peanut]

So I'm dying to know...was the window locked when you went in this morning?

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

Haha, the window was perfectly locked.

And yet I let it ruin my weekend

I'm not being treated for anxiety or depression anymore because I moved and I just didn't feel like I needed it as much anymore, TSOW.

 

[stargazer]

That's great! (That it was locked). In such situations, it usually is. (Or whatever the situation is, we've usually taken care of it.)

Sometimes, in high stress periods when anxiety might be more prominent, it helps me if I have a written checklist and cross things off the list, such as in a closing procedure at an office. I was recently entrusted with a number of things at the studio, made no such written list, and in fact forgot to do one of them. However, it didn't get me into trouble.

And that's another feature of all this: none of us is perfect, and the employer cannot expect perfection. They might make mention of our errors, but it's usually not with the expectation that we do everything perfectly. They're just trying to ensure that we get it right next time.

 

[Daniel Baxter]

Hey Little Girl Blue,

I know that this reply is a little late in relation to the crisis you were experiencing, but perhaps this information will serve you well in future instances.

First, I do believe knowledge is one of the best weapons one can have to safeguard against the mental afflictions that can, at times, harry us fervently and without mercy. In this case, what's occurring is a cyclical reaction to a particular stress: anxiety. Having a knowledge of what's occurring therein can help to break the cycle.

What you should probably know is that, in a stress reaction, a stress hormone is released called cortisol. What this hormone is designed to achieve is to help mobilize the body's resources ready for a typical "fight or flight" response. However, in prolonged instances, this hormone has a detrimental effect on the hippocampii, which is basically your short term memory center. The stress from your job is going to have an adverse effect on your ability to remember small things that occurred throughout the day. I have had much experience in this as I have been in a very similar situation in which my bosses had me manage the car wash I used to work at last summer and do the opening and closing responsibilities and i used to fret about whether or not I locked the side door. Obviously, if not, someone could easily walk in and steal everything they could want to steal. But, when I found myself running through these cyclical thoughts, I reminded myself that my memory is impaired because of the stress I was perceiving and experiencing. This reminded me that I cannot trust the anxiety at all, that what my anxious were telling me was a result of the stress, and not of my actual actions. If this sounds vague and somewhat non-sensical, I apologize. What I'm really trying to get at it is that the paranoia we experience because of the memory lapses brought on by stress cannot be trusted. Instead, what I learned to do is to trust in my own judgment and abilities. I am a careful person, and I expect that I locked the door, and I trust in that over the anxious thoughts.

second, in most of these types of circumstances involving obsessive thoughts, the compulsive behaviour is an avoidance reaction that, in a sense, distracts us temporarily from the anxiety. However, as I mentioned, these things work in a cycle, and so the behaviour actually reinforces the obsessive thought. Now, thoughts are god damn near f'n impossible to control (forgive the language, I'm young), believe me, I definitely know that much. Trying to suppress the thoughts and failing usually results in a slight depression, a belief that we aren't in control, which causes more anxiety, and spirals the whole cycle further. This is why anti-depressants are sometimes prescribed for OCD. Nevertheless, behaviours are more easily controlled. In this case, it's a checking behaviour. Although I understand you're strong desire to check on the office, in order to build up a greater trust in yourself, you should try to avoid giving into these behaviours, because although it can seem innocent, it tends to increase the anxiety in the long run and perpetuates the afore-mentioned cycle. Instead, trust in yourself, and in the end, you'll gain much more out of that than you would have by checking.

If, in the morning, it turned out that you HAD forgotten to lock the window, it's ok. Who in their time hasn't forgotten something, especially under duress and stress? It is absolutely and completely understandable. But, much more likely, you'll come in to work and, like in this instance, you'll find that the window was locked. Use this to build up that trust in yourself. Use that trust to calm yourself. That calm will reduce the cortisol, which will improve your memory, which will help to keep these mental slips from occuring in the first place. What you're fighting is not always necessarily the anxiety itself, but the stress that causes it. It's like a weed: seek the root, for if you only tear out the stalk, the part you're looking at and can see directly, it will grow back and you will be forced to try again.

I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. I'm a little bit new at trying to explain this stuff. But I know my father would tell you something quite similar. We have discussed psychology many, MANY times, and I am myself studying psychology at U of O with zeal and have gotten nothing but straight A's in every one of my psych courses (mostly A+'s, actually). Moreover, I have many, many different life experiences, even at this young an age (22). I don't speak from a textbook, but from my own life.

Take care in the future!

- Daniel Baxter

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

Thanks for the input, Daniel. I must confess I thought you were your father until I read the car wash part. I liked your explanation of checking behaviour - so I should actually be thankful that I couldn't get into the building because that forced me to trust myself. And I'm glad you're enjoying your college experience - I'm 23 now and I already have a lot of regrets about how I spent my time in college (no social life, good grades but not in classes I actually wanted to take, and physically and mentally waging war on myself in my spare time). But other than that it was fun. I hope you never let go of that zeal.

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

Hello, I'm back. After a pretty calm spell, I'm back to anxious panic mode. I get paranoid thinking I did something wrong or that any mistake I make will have a huge backlash. My head gets so cloudy, it feels like it's going to blow up. And then for the next few hours I struggle to function properly and get work done.

But here's some good news - I found an American pschologist in my town and will see him later this week! I really really really hope he can help. Because if I keep going at this rate, I will never be able to do any job properly.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That is indeed good news, Blue. Good luck!

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm glad you were able to find someone.

 

[Into The Light]

good luck with the therapist and let us know how your first meeting goes

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

I went for my first meeting. He seemed neutral enough nice enough.

Does anybody have any opinions on Jungian-oriented psychologists???

I got a little annoyed that he didn't talk much, so I let him know I have trouble saying anything if I don't feel like somebody is talking back. Listening is not good enough for me. It just reaffirms my fears that I'm weak and worthless. I need to know what the person is thinking.

Also, he didn't ask any questions when I mentioned I was hospitalized for an eating disorder. And I havn't mentioned self'harming. Is this because his school of psychology doesn't believe in open diagnoses (unlike your typical American therapist who shells them out at your first session)? I know diagnosis can have its setbacks in treating somebody, so I'm wondering if his reaction had to do with not wanting me to feel that these things were a big deal. Maybe I got spoiled in college, where I was monitored weekly about my eating - maybe the constant focus on that made me feel partly good (as in getting attention for it whereas I had just spent 3 years of my life hardly speaking to anybody) and partly like the problem would always be a part of me. So...I don't know...I liked the clarity of checking off symptoms. I really enjoy talking about them too, weirdly enough - I think it's part of the problem. I turned into an attention-seeking sicko.

I am not sure if I will go back, although I have an appt set up. In this town I'm in, it's either him or nobody. Am still figuring out if this is something I can do without.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I went for my first meeting. He seemed neutral enough nice enough.

Does anybody have any opinions on Jungian-oriented psychologists???

I got a little annoyed that he didn't talk much, so I let him know I have trouble saying anything if I don't feel like somebody is talking back. Listening is not good enough for me. It just reaffirms my fears that I'm weak and worthless. I need to know what the person is thinking.

I am not sure if I will go back, although I have an appt set up. In this town I'm in, it's either him or nobody. Am still figuring out if this is something I can do without.

Given that you don't have alternatives in your town, I'd recommend that you give it a few sessions before giving up.

That said, Jungian psychotherapy grew out of (or as a departure from) Freudian psychoanalysis. Jung was originally one of Freud's disciples but they later had a rift, as did many of Freud's group, over differences in both their views of personality and psychopathology and their approach to psychotherapy. Still, I think you will find that Jungian psychologist will probably do more listening than talking, will reflect or interpret what you say more than direct you, and will tend to wait for you to set the pace and content of therapy sessions.

Whether that will work for you remains to be seen, but as I said given the absence of other choices it's worth persisting a while longer.

 

[Into The Light]

i would also go back a few more times to see what happens.

should this not work out for you, is it an option to see if there are other english speaking therapists available in other towns? it may be worth the travel time.

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

Yeah, I think I ought to give it a try.
Thank you for the explanation, Dr. Baxter. I wanted to sort of find out if this mode of therapy isn't really outdated or something.

should this not work out for you, is it an option to see if there are other english speaking therapists available in other towns? it may be worth the travel time.

That's the thing - since I'm paying for the sessions myself (therapy not covered by my health insurance grr), the cost of travelling to another town would actually be about the same price as the session. I don't have a car, see, and train tickets here are very expensive. Plus, there's the fact that I can only have sessions during my lunch hour at work because the Swiss do not work past 6pm. Honestly, I have no idea how people with jobs ever manage to get treatment for anything here. Um, you can probably tell I'm quite annoyed at how rigidly people conduct things in this country.

Anyway, yes, I'll have to give this person a try before giving up.
Thank you all for the support.