It got too much, again.

[NicNak]

I SI'd this evening. It is ok now and bandaged up, so no worries.

When I was preparing for my return to work, I found my favorite "tool". I generally need this for work and I thought I would be fine to keep it, for work purposes.

I guess not. This past week I have been thinking about it and even dreaming about it.

This evening things boiled over on me and I called upon my "bad friend" again to "help" out.

I called my Psychiatrist and left a message, he is not in the office until Monday. I will see my GP again on Tuesday.

Last night I almost got my friend to take me to emergency, but thought I would be ok. I took my clonazepam and went to sleep. These past few weeks have just been on day continuing into the other of bad thoughts and urges.

I just feel like everything is too much now and there is so little being put on me and I still can't deal with it.

I am trying to remember the wise words of a smart person, cause I said I was weak. She said "you are not weak, you are struggling"

Like we all do, this past week, I have been looking at others and making comparisons. "Why can they do all this and here I crack already after barely starting back"

Thanks for reading

 

[Domo]

:support:

Have you gotten rid of this tool yet or put it somewhere you can't get to?

I have a 'favourite tool' as well and i thought i would be ok to have it around but when the temptation got too much it was too easy to give in.

Because you need it for work i suppose that makes it harder.

And you are definitely not weak. I mentioned this in another thread but i think it's appropriate to re-use it here...My psychologist said to me one day, the fact that you are here, facing your issues is proof of how not weak you are. It's easy to avoid, hide and deny.

The problem with comparing oursellves to other is we always look at it in a negative light. Just think, what can you do that they can't? We all have our strenghts and weakness'. The grass always looks greener over the other side.

I am sorry i can't ofer you any other advise or make you feel better.

 

[NicNak]

Thanks Domonation, I appreciate it.

I don't need to keep the tool. I use to keep it at work for this reason, but I would SI at work instead.

I am slowly trying to get back to work and even just this is getting hard already and I feel rediculous. It has been a few months now and I am crashing already.

Interms of comparing myself to others. I just see others holding down their jobs, helping their families, doing their social stuff and here I am I can't even make it through a few days of work.

Your psychologist is right. My psychiatrist often will tell me simlar things too.

Thank you for your kind words

 

[Andy]

Ohhhhh look at that, your hamster is back on the wheel!lol Listen to that wise old person from before. Wait, what? Did you call them old...*scroll* :rant: Oh, nvm. :blush:lol

Alright. Throw it out. Toss it. You don't need it that badly. Say you left your tool at home and borrow someone else's while at work. Unless you are needing to use it minute to minute while at work of course.

Btw, you DID make it through a few days of work, not you can't even...maybe it's moving to fast for you. They did increase your hours and days of week within a week. Maybe you could see about just working the short hours on Mondays for say a month and then increase it a little.

Ugh it's so hard to say. I think you are very brave for getting out there and trying to claim your life back.
Run it past your Dr. and see where things go from there. you will get all this figured out, just don't give up on yourself yet.

:support: Now go throw away that damn tool.

 

[Murray]

Hi NicNak,

I am so sorry that you are in pain. I wish that I could come up with the right things to say to make you feel better. Just know that people here are wishing you well.

 

[NicNak]

Thanks STP. I have gotten rid of the tool. It is in the dirtiest part of the garbage bag :blush:

You words really moved me STP, about saying I am brave, thank you. I guess we often forget living with this is so much more difficult and we often just think it is that we are weak instead of strong to do our best to face it all.

Thank you Murray. Knowing others wish me well is assuring too. Thank you for your nice reply.

 

[gardens]

You know what - I really wish we could all go out for coffee together!
I can't believe how much we have in common.

I especially like how when some are 'down and out' others are strong to support them. and then the roles will reverse. It's support like I've rarely seen before.

I'm sorry your hurting Nicnak - But I echo what has already been said, I think your brave for sharing your pain here. It helps us all - I don't feel so all alone, and I hope you don't either.

Now come on over, all of you guys, and I'll put on the coffee!! :grouphug4:

 

[NicNak]

I'm sorry your hurting Nicnak - But I echo what has already been said, I think your brave for sharing your pain here. It helps us all - I don't feel so all alone, and I hope you don't either.

Thank you Gardens. It is quite difficult for me to open up this way. I am usually full of jokes. I guess as the saying goes "tears of a clown" are true with me.

Now come on over, all of you guys, and I'll put on the coffee!! :grouphug4:

lane: on our way. :teehee:

 

[gardens]

My 'tool' of choice is alcohol, and one week before I returned to work this October, after a 4 1/2 month leave - I got drunk.

This after 13 years of sobriety. The fact that I did this to myself was so hard, the shame, the thinking that I had ruined everything and all the progress I made.

I SI when I drink and yes I did it again this time as well. I honestly thought that I was an unusual case. I thought that I was the only one out there that would do this. No way was I going to share this with anyone - not even my therapist.

And look - I'm here - talking about it, and it's a relief. It's hard for me to be honest with myself. But I do want to be healthy. I have to acknowledge my problems. I tend to hide from the world with jokes too! I'm the happy-go-lucky gal. HA!

 

[Andy]

Great! Now take the garbage out to the outdoor bin, spit on it and tell yourself you don't need it anymore (give it the finger) and walk away. lol

It's easy to compare yourself to others (I'm saying this being the biggest hypacrit,). There is always someone that is going to be bigger and better then everyone. I think that it can be even harder then you or I or anyone with any kind of mental illness (so weird. I just typed mental illness the exact same time someone on the t.v said it) knows because not only are we dealing with our own illness but we are also dealing with what others think and what we think is the right thing to do, the way society would have us be. Then throw in stigma etc.
Excuse my babbling.
It's hard to deal with emotional/mental issues with all that other stuff on our shoulders. I'm not saying that nobody understands because I think that everyone does. Everyone. Everyone has dealt with depression os some sort, big or small(for example) so the people that have dealt with lessor degrees (and I don't mean to diminish anyones issues or whatever) of depression think "I was really depressed back in 99 and I got up to work everyday" To them their depression was the worst thing they have been through and so that is how they see it, how they see others with the same problem. "Well if I could do it, then you totally can because woohoohoo was I a mess".....oh crud. I lost my train of thought...just a second...lol Oh man , I'm sorry I'm so stupid, can I borrow your hamster?
Ughhhh. Sorry. Hopefully you get where I was going with that because nothing is sinking in here. :rant: I think what I was trying to get at was that with everybody out there in particular the people in your life slightest comments, gestures etc. come from their poit of view and reality not from YOUR point of view and reality so what seems simple to them in their reality is really 50 times harder.
For crying out loud. :rtfm:I'm sorry. :blush::sorry: I thought I had a good thought going their. I usually dlete and re write or delte all together but I am going to let you decide if this means anything or makes any sense. If not feel free to delete the last half or more. Sorry I'm not the brightest light bulb in the pack.

Anyway, yuo are Brave NicNak. I'm not just saying that.

 

[NicNak]

Thank you Gardens.

I always make sure I tell my doctors, they know everything. Actually they now know everything. I finally told my GP how embarassed I was that I need at least 12 hours sleep or I am a wreck. Other than that, they know all of everything.

My GP always had me comfortable and that progressed to my psychiatrist. I never was afraid to be open with them, cause they always knew how to "take it".

I think sometimes I still have a hard time opening up here, cause although I know we are all coping with simular things, in my day to day life, there isn't anyone to talk to who understands but my doctors.

The rest either totally freak out or pretty much say "snap out of it"

 

[Daniel E.]

The rest either totally freak out or pretty much say "snap out of it"

All the more reason to see a therapist.

 

[NicNak]

It makes sense to me STP. Weather that is comfort to you, seeing it is me, I am not sure :crazy:

Sorry, STP I thought your post was cute. I get confused too, a lot. So I relate to that for sure.

I would lend you my hamster, but his foot got caught in the hamster wheel and he spun around one too many times and is extremely dizzy right now. :teehee:

Thanks STP :friends:

 

[gardens]

Yes - I think that is some of the lesson I am learning on this forum.
Being honest is the only way to health. If I don't share what is troubling me, what my symptoms are - how can I expect to be better.

I'm learning......and NicNak - you are helping with that - thanks and I wish and pray (because I do that!) that you are well and that this stress will ease for you somehow.

I too don't have to many people to talk to about this that can understand or try to understand - I get some of the same responses - my favourite being 'get over it' - I"m thinking of having a t-shirt made up or something.

So Daniel is right too "all the more reason to go see a therapist", which is something I am fighting doing right now for some reason.....can't really figure that one out yet.

 

[Andy]

All the more reason to see a therapist.

Yeah! "The rest" should see a therapist.

---------- Post added at 11:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:56 PM ----------

I would lend you my hamster, but his foot got caught in the hamster wheel and he spun around one too many times and is extremely dizzy right now. :teehee:

Well I am extremely dizzy all the time! A perfect match.

As long as that rambling mess made sense to one other person, then that is ok.

:rant:

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Oh NN,

I'm sorry to hear you're not doing well right now. Don't be too hard on yourself for cracking. It's ok to make mistakes or fall back into bad habits...everyone does.
I hope these feelings don't last too long for you and that you can see someone soon.
Is there any way you can leave your tools @ work overnight so you don't have easy access to them??

Take Care

 

[forgetmenot]

Hoping you feel better and that you can make appt to see therapist soon take care.

 

[Banned]

I hope you are feeling better, NicNak. Those urges to SI can take on a life of their own and become really powerful at times. Your reaching out and willingness to tackle this is a sign of strength. Never forget that. We all have weaknesses and we all struggle. That makes us human. Our resourcefulness and ability to work through everything life throws at us is powerful.

 

[blackdogwalker]

sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. Just wanted to add my voice to those who wish you well. Hope you can make that appointment v soon.

 

[NicNak]

Thank you Gardens, STP, Eye Stigmata, Daniel, Murray, Domonation, Violet, Persona and Blackdogwalker.

I really appreciate the encouragement and support of everyone who replied, greatly.

Today is a bit better of a day, but still not great. I am going to consider a trip to the hospital tomorrow if I can't shake this. It is way too much. Luckily I have my mom around on the weekend.

I am supose to check in with my psychiatrist on Monday anyway, but I might need assistance before that.

I just can't stop crying and having bad anxiety and panic. As I said though, it is a comfort to have mom around.

Just will see how it goes.

Thanks everyone. You all have been a great help and amazing support. It is so very appreciated.