Just at a loss sometimes

[Auburn]

I haven't been here since December, but once again, the only solace I can find is in here. So, today Dave and I decided that we can't do this by ourselves. I read my last post in here, and one of you very wise folks nailed Dave and I on the head. We were both trying to keep the other safe and in the long run have derailed ourselves. We were originally on meds after the suicide of his father. And therapy. I think we had that stigmatism about being on meds. We both went off them in what I consider a relatively short time.

But, last nite, as the flashbacks came out of no where, it dawned on me that the fatigue, the lack of focus, the constant aches and pains, and not wanting to do the very things that mean the most to me, I think we need some help. Dave and I talked just before he went to work tonite, and we are both going thru the same thing. I think I just feel so very helpless in this, and very weak. Logically, I know that we aren't weak. But the thought of having to take medication to get through each day, it makes me feel so weak. Last nite was a tough one. I made it through, but it made me think about the past two years and how we have slowly changed. It is like we have morphed into slugs. I can't get ONE thing started and finsihed, and then I get ****ed at myself. I swear, I can walk out of a room, and completely forget what the hell I was even in there for.

My work is being affected, my friendships, my own interests. It is truly exhausting, and I just want to curl up and stay that way. Dave told me tonite, he just can't get enough sleep, he has no desire to go out with his friends. It was even hard to ge thim to go to hockey this winter.

I asked him tonite, if he has forgiven his Dad yet. And he answered no. Then he asked me the same. I have tried. But then, I just get so angry. I know it wasn't his fault, it was the bi-polar. But damn, the fall out is almost more than we can take.

I don't have anywhere else to turn to ask these questions, and I hope you dont mind sharing with me. Are our symptoms similar to yours?? Is this a normal part, for lack of a better way of saying it, of PTSD? I know that our psychiatrist told us what to expect, but in all honesty, I don't think it really sank in. I worry so much for my Dave. He loves life and is such a huge kid. He tries very hard, but it is taking it's toll, and that scares me so much.
Any thoughts you have will as always, be appreciated. I know now that I am just rambling, but as I think I have said each time, the typing helps.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Hi Auburn. I think of you sometimes and wonder how you're doing.

I don't have anywhere else to turn to ask these questions, and I hope you dont mind sharing with me. Are our symptoms similar to yours??

I went through an assault over four years ago and I have similar symptoms. the flashbacks can come out of nowhere. I have trouble sleeping. Lost interest in many things I used to enjoy. Nights are hard. I do feel weak and helpless sometimes. I think about it this way: It was like I fell down and got hurt very badly, but I jumped back up, ignoring the pain and I thought I was ok. For weeks afterwards I pretended I was okay, but it all caught up with me and I quit my life. I quit everything I loved and quit talking to people and just quit. And it's taken me this long to really accept that I did that and WHY I did that. So although the circumstances are different for us, I do think PTSD can affect people in similar ways.

Is this a normal part, for lack of a better way of saying it, of PTSD? I know that our psychiatrist told us what to expect, but in all honesty, I don't think it really sank in.

I think it's fairly normal, but that doesn't mean you have to struggle and suffer alone. I think going back to therapy and maybe some medication could help. Both of these things combined seem to be slowly, but surely helping me deal with what happened and the symptoms that were left behind. I'm sleeping a little better. I have less blame toward myself and less anger toward myself and more anger focused on where it should be, actually mostly I've forgiven this person, although that is a process. I'm not sure if I should or not, but forgiving seems to get him out of my mind.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you and your husband. I wish you both the very best as you travel this road of pain and hopefully to healing.

 

[Auburn]

Janet;

I am sure you know that I have just been sitting here waiting for a reply. How predictable this PTSD thing can be. I am also sure you know how utterly grateful I am for your words. This thing sucks so much. If I could curse and it would show up I would! I can't begin to tell you how I so relate to the falling down analogy. That is so true. And last nite, it hit me so hard. I think our hardest thing is accepting that we DO have depression. We are both normally so strong, and I think we feel like failures having to admit this. We both agreed tonite to go to our family doctor tomorrow and request to be put back on the medication again. My heart broke as my husband started to cry as I described how I had been feeling lately. All he could say is, "I know". So, he has been sliding down again too.
Your words made me cry, but it was just the sheer joy of understanding from you that did it. I have the best friends in the world, but I hate dumping this on them simply because they have no clue how to handle it. Or understand it, and I feel like a burden. So, aren't you the lucky one!
Saying thank you feels very lacking, but I will thank you just the same. Only in this place does my heart get touched during these episodes, and knowing I can come here, gives me great comfort.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Lots of hugs to you if that's ok. I am glad you're going back to the doctor. It is hard to admit you are depressed. Neither of you are failures. I think if you could step back and see it from another viewpoint you would see how amazingly brave you are for what you've been through.

I used to get so frustrated at myself because I couldn't fix it alone too, but that's just how it is. Sometimes we need help and that's ok. It really is ok. I am glad you are here. Not glad for the WHY you are here, but glad that you can find some hope and comfort in this forum. It really is a great place.

 

[Halo]

Auburn,

I think that you and your husband are really making a good decision to go to your doctor and see about getting medications. If you are both having the same thoughts and feelings and the depression is just taking over then it is definitely time to do something about it.

Being depressed and on medication doesn't make you weak or a failure, I believe it actually takes a strong person to be able to admit that they are hurting and suffering and need medication and to be able to reach out to others be it their doctor, friends, family and a forum like this for support. A lesser person couldn't or maybe wouldn't do it. You are courageous in my opinion for admitting that you need help and more importantly for the willingness to get it.

Good luck with your appt. tomorrow and let us know who it goes.

Take care

 

[Auburn]

I will gladly take those hugs Janet. Anytime! And Nancy, thank you so much. I do so find comfort here and it is folks like you that make is so special.
I will let you know how tomorrow goes. And thanks so much, I just hope you know how very much your words mean to me.

 

[HA]

Auburn,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with such a loss and trauma in your life. Medication is a very helpful tool but in your circumstances it would be good for you both to have some therapy also.

Ask for a referal to someone who has experience with trauma and EMDR. [GOOGLE]EMDR[/GOOGLE] may come in various forms but one that I know of is where a machine that uses small impulses (similar to a cell phone vibration) has two small pieces that are placed under each of your legs while you talk to the therapist.

There is research that backs up the effectiveness of this approach and it may be something that could be helpful for you.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Auburn]

Thanks HeartArt, we are going to talk to the doctor about all options. For a family doctor, this man is wonderful. I am a bit apprehensive today. I feel like this is such a huge leap. I'm not sure why. We have, in essence, already been down this road, but I truly think we thought we could "fix" ourselves. Now, having to admit we can't, is very humbling. Our kids don't know what we witnessed, and that makes it all the harder some days. We have to be the tough guys, and there are days that it is a diffcult challenge to meet. I am sure I will be back in here this afternoon, cause I know how tired and emotional we both will be after the appt. Thanks everyone, from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I hope it all has gone well for you today. :hug:

I saw a new doctor yesterday and I was so nervous, but it all turned out ok. She was very nice and seems easy to work with.

 

[ThatLady]

Auburn, with what you and your husband have been through, PTSD is anything but a surprising outcome. The best course of action, in my opinion, is therapy and, possibly, medication - if the doctor feels that's the right way to go. Medication alone will, in all probability, not be as helpful as medication combined with therapy.

My best wishes to you both. :hug:

 

[Auburn]

Hi again. I know what you mean about being nervous at the doctors Janet, I was sweating today. I am glad that your new doctor seems nice. It is so hard to find that these days.
Hello ThatLady. I remember you so very well, you helped me through some very difficult dark times. We are, as of today, back on the medication. And we have a call into the psychiatrist. Our family doctor is an amazing man, and helped so much today. It is the hardest thing, when you know something logically, but trying to apply it seems to elude you. I think sometimes that we are programmed to think that we have to be that "ten feet tall and bullet proof" ideal. And it is hard to shake. And with the kids not knowing what happened is difficult at times, they can't understand why we are so tired or quiet or out of synch. I am hoping that today is the start of a healing that we should have started so long ago. I understand that it won't just go away, but maybe we will find a better way to deal with it and cope with it.
I expect to be in here quite a bit in the next few days, cause this meeting has brought everything so close to the surface again. I can't thank you all enough. And I can say that I love you all and this place dearly.

 

[ThatLady]

We are, as of today, back on the medication. And we have a call into the psychiatrist. Our family doctor is an amazing man, and helped so much today. It is the hardest thing, when you know something logically, but trying to apply it seems to elude you. I think sometimes that we are programmed to think that we have to be that "ten feet tall and bullet proof" ideal.

Ain't that the truth? Too often, we imagine ourselves to be super-people, able to leap huge problems in a single bound, eh? It just doesn't work that way, darn it!

I'm so glad to hear you have such a supportive physician, and that you'll both be getting some needed therapy to deal with the difficulties to which you've been subjected. While most problems can't be solved overnight, there is a sense of peace that comes from accepting what we have to do and getting things started in the right direction.

My very best to both of you, and we'll all look forward to hearing how things are going with your family. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

It sounds like it went ok. That's good. I'm glad. I wish you the very best and hope you come here as often as you need to. I'm sorry you're going through this hard time. :hug:

 

[Halo]

Auburn,

I am glad to hear that the appt. with your doctor went well and that you are back on medication. It definitely is a step in the right direction. Goodjob :goodjob:

Take care
:hug:

 

[Auburn]

Hi all. Today was a bit tough, had to inform my work about this bit of a "set-back" But they have been so supportive through all of the turmoil these past two years. I always try to keep them up to date. I mean, those folks saw me through 13 months and 4 deaths, including what happened with Dave's dad. So tonite, I am quite tired. And a bit sensitive, but holding my own. It takes alot to smile all day when you don't really feel it, and I am thinking that is where the tired definitley comes from. One of my co-workers has dealt with depression since she was a teen, so she is a real comfort while dealing with that aspect of this PTSD I hate even knowing what that term means, sounds silly doesn't it.
Well, I have to wake up my hubby for work, and then I think I am heading to the tub and bed. All your support has helped me soooo much. Hugs all around today!!!

 

[Into The Light]

i don't have much to offer in words at the moment but just wanted to let you know that you have my support here as well and i really hope that with the help of medication and therapy you can move forward with your lives again.

 

[Auburn]

Thank you so much ladybug. This forum has become my sanctuary during the rough times. And not matter the amount of words offered, they are all so appreciated. I can't thank you all enough.

 

[Auburn]

As much as I know this place is for me to come and share my feelings, sometimes it feels like all I am doing is whining. But, today was terrible. Gawd, it was so bad. My husband and I are doing what the doctor said, and we are talking about everything. He said we have to stop avoiding the subject. And as much as I know he is right, everything in me is so raw right now. I couldn't shake it at all today. And it showed, so much. My work is aware of the circumstances behind my father in laws death, and all the turmoil it caused and all the deaths in the next 12 months after his. And they have been so supportive. But, today I couldn't be my usual self. I am the teller they call smiley. I just couldn't today, and I felt bad. I know I made them uncomfortable. But, I also can't talk about it much to them. There are a couple of my co-workers I can talk to, but only a bit. I can't share with them what I can with Dave. I can't. And I couldnt be that smiley girl I know they all wanted me to be. I have been on the verge of tears all day, and I hate that. I know the talking is supposed to help, but right now, it has just brought everything so close to the surface, I feel like I am drowning. Dave wanted to stay home with me, but we can't afford to do that. The initial death and the circumstances around it, brought us to our knees financially. And I can't expect him to stay home everytime I am feeling down. This just sucks so much, and I hate feeling helpless. GAWD! I am just so frustrated with everything. Myself, the stress, the sadness. I am so sorry to just come and vent, but sometimes I don't know what else to do. Writing seems to help.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If writing seems to help, Auburn, then this is the place to do just that. You and your husband are in the midst of a difficult struggle. Whatever you can do to get through this, do it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm so so sorry for all your pain. I am sorry for what you've been though, but I am GLAD you come here and write and I am glad this forum exists. It's a great place and please write as much as you need to. You need this and if it is helping, then do that.

Lots and lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: