Keep on trying because...?

[Eunoia]

ok, I feel like.... nothing? actually I feel stupid posting this... like I shouldn't be complaining. There's so much inside of me and yet there's this big void. On one side I just want to scream and cry and on the other all I want to do is sleep, feel nothing... just be left alone. I feel very disconnected from myself, from my life, from everyone else... I mean I go through my days doing what I have to do, but there's no significance to what I do really... it just all blends in together. I feel very overwhelmed... and alone. I know I'm not, but I can't help but feel alone, b/c I feel so far away from all of this... I don't know if this is dissociating or not.. I think on some level it probabaly is, b/c I feel like I'm more in a trance almost when I si or when I purge... I don't understand what I'm trying to push away, why I can't just deal w/ my feelings? Am I lacking emotions or am I experiencing too many, too intensily? Often, I am very aware of one kind of feeling or of one part of my body, it's almost surreal... I mean, shoudn't I be experiencing my body as a whole? But all I can focus on is how fat a certain part is and the only words I can think of to describe the way I feel are fat, nothing, helpless, alone... mind you, none of those are feelings... but I don't know how to make sense of all of these mixed messages... people telling me I'm skinny and I can't see it even though I want to... I am lacking energy to do a lot of the things, I don't know how I got through these past weeks... my sleep is very messed up, I feel like I have to faint at times, I don't know who I am when I look at myself in the mirror. I hate that feeling. I must be such a horrible person trying to escape all of this... I feel very ungrateful, then again I don't know how grateful I can be when I constantly feel like I have to prove myself, like nothing I do is ever good enough... everything that I thought would make me happy, has turned out to be false... now, that's scarry... then will there ever be anything that will be "enough" or good enough? Am I ever going to be good enough?

The two reasons keeping me from si or purging on the rare occasion are inconvenience and just being too exhausted to do so... well, that's one fun way of going through your days I have to say (I hope you realize I'm being sarcastic). I thrive on being able to get those few moments to myself or going through my days counting the hours I haven't eaten.... I've avoided a lot of things lately b/c it involved food or b/c I just didn't want to deal w/ the people, situation etc... I really do sometimes think I've lost it, I mean I can't even eat if I know my dog is watching me.... yes, that does sound crazy. my days are encompassed with burning more cals, eating as little as I can, just trying to run away with any means I know how..... I don't even care anymore if you want to call this depression or not. It's just another label, another meaningless term to me... why am I at the point where things just don't matter? Good things, bad things, they're all the same. if things don't seem to matter, then what's the point of any of this? why keep on trying? in the hopes of what?

 

[Cat Dancer]

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. are you still going to see someone?

i can relate to a lot of what you're saying.

 

[Diana]

Hey, it sounds like you are going through a kind of depression right now. I don't believe that you lack emotions at all. You're a very caring person with a lot of good advice and ideas and goals. You're just having a hard time expressing or dealing with your negative emotions I think. Eating disorders tend to have a "snowball" effect and it sounds like it might be spinning a bit out of control for you right now. I really think you should try to see someone in case you don't pull yourself out of it this time. I know you're on a waiting list, but maybe you could call the doctor again and see if there's a possible opening sometime soon.
I have some thoughts on the dissociation you're feeling right now. When you have an eating disorder, you break some kind of important connection between your mind, body and soul (I believe). That's why you don't know youself anymore when you look in the mirror. Either you only focus on one physical characteristic - thinking it's fat or whatever - or you're engulfed in your mind counting out calories all the time. I know how it feels to always be reminding myself of my calorie intake - thinking at the same time this is crazy and it's taking up too much of my thinking, but also feeling like it's so necessary in order to carry on. The point is, you don't see yourself as a whole. I mean you punish yourself, and in order to do that you have to start to not care anymore to a certain extent. Do you know what I mean?
But, you have to realize that your body does work as a whole. Your physical body does reflect what's going on in your mind, but sometimes you can trick yourself into thinking this isn't so because of how you go on with your daily routines and interact with other people.
I can repeat this again and again, and you can keep repeating this too - You really should see someone. You just ended a really stressful period of time with exams which is probably making things harder. But, I think you know what you have to do. Don't worry about what other people will say, because you're not alone. But, I don't think you should be trying to deal with this on your own right now.
I REALLY REALLY hope that you're feeling better soon. You know how to contact me if you need to talk personally. The next few days should be kind of quiet for me at school because the kids will be on vacation so feel free, OK.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It also sounds to me like part of what you're describing is simple burnout -- too many days trying to burn the candle at both ends and you finally hit a short period where the activity level/pressure of deadlines drops a notch and you go into almost-zombie mode.

 

[Floating]

Oh hun, you really are finding it tough just now, please believe me it is worth keeping on trying. I am realising that now, and after all the excellent advice you gave me. I agree with David, I think it is a burnout and can relate to much of what you are saying. You are a good person who is willing to help others, it will take you time but you are strong enough and you will get through this. Thearapy will most likely help you through the tough times of eating disorders, thearapy helped me. Yes I still don't eat properly all the time but I'm a lot better than I was, if I can make it onto the road of recovery, you certainly can.

Chin up, you can do it and you will do it, I have faith in you. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Loads of Hugs