Hi there...
I've been getting some info off of various websites. Mostly my purpose here is to educate myself (I've always been interested in how the mind works). The reason is because I have had some Cognitive/Behavioural Therapy with a psychologist and after a few years of sessions I feel more confident about what I need to do.
My mother (my psychologist thinks) has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally and psychologically abusive. Anyone who has a relationship with someone with NPD knows what I am talking about.
My life involved a lot of emotion-swallowing. I became a lot like my dad. My dad enables my mother. He was emotionally and physically abused when he was a child by his own father (and his mother was very passive, like he is)... In order to keep the peace and not be a boat-rocker and upset the crazy one, I walked on egg-shells. I was not allowed to excel at much because it would make one of my brothers feel terrible about himself (the one my mother treated as her special project). The other brother I had never seemed to have any rules placed on him or restrictions. I think because I reminded my mother most of herself, she made me feel the most worthless and wrapped me around her fingers (or wrapped her fingers around my neck). I was always expected to be 'the example' for my siblings, be responsible, be the one looking after my younger brothers. If they did something wrong, it would be my fault.
Of course when you are a child, everything in your family is what you think is in everyone's family, so you think that everything is normal until you manage to get out of that environment for a while. My mom is still like that, and my dad still enables her. I have taken steps to distance myself from both of them, although it sure helped when they moved away!
The reason I finally went to talk to a psychologist several years ago was because I had a sort of nervous breakdown at work. It probably wasn't exactly a nervous breakdown, but I was full of anxiety and it was because of the type of work environment I was in. There was no managers from my department in the same province as me, for one, and the trainer/mentor that was helping me do my job long distance was telling me to do things one way, and my managers in a completely different province from my trainer were telling me to do things completely another way. The other issue was that I was supposed to be office support, but the company I had trained with was merged with another company. Essentially the people that trained and managed me wanted me to completely change the way the old system was, when the original employees that were there were used to doing things a completely different way. In retrospect it was like I was expected to manage things on my own. It was a very poisonous work environment, and one day I just broke down and went out in back of the building and cried for about an hour. Then I went on stress leave. I had never ever sought counseling before. So that's what started me on my road to healing. I had a Cognitive/Behavioural Psychologist help me. I realized that I had made some poor relationship (and work) choices because I was trying to do things like the way things were done in my family.
I've already been poking around here, and this environment seems very safe and supportive. It's been a lot easier for me to put my mother (and by association, my father as well) at arms length. I have blocked my mother's phone calls. Sometimes my father isn't even aware that she is calling us. She has done this a few times when calling my dad's mother, and my mom will hang up on my 90-something year old gramma because my gramma wants to talk to my dad or because my gramma tries to interrupt or disagree with my mom.
I am finding strength with reading forums like this because I definitely feel less alone. I have even told my parents that I prefer to keep only email communication open for now because when I call them, my mom takes over the conversation and my dad never says anything, and when I am done my conversations I don't feel very good about myself.
I just don't want to fall prey to the old feelings of guilt, where to protect myself from my own mother it makes me feel like a bad daughter. But I am so tired of her pushing my buttons, and lying, and trying to take advantage of our relationship. How can I keep going back to that? I feel like Prometheus, a Titan who stole fire from heaven for man. Zeus punished him by chaining him to rock in Caucasus where vultures devoured his liver daily. I'm no Titan, though, lol... I feel so weak, like my mother is a vulture who likes to beat me down daily and devour any self-esteem I might be clinging to.
I have two brothers. One middle brother who seems to have some kind of learning disability or possibly even Schizophrenia, but I don't know if that's just him, or if he had help from my mother to make him even more ill... My other youngest brother doesn't communicate with my parents either, except by the occasional email - my mother turned into a she-devil when he got married. She managed to make my sister-in-law feel physically ill from anxiety and lack of sleep.
My mother has managed to isolate herself really well, because she is so clingy. She only hangs around people she thinks are worthy. But those people tire of her quickly, or eventually. Because she'll suck the life out of you by pouring out her troubles on your lap. She will plead and beg and whine one day and then turn around and lash out like a viper if she doesn't get her way. I am torn between feeling sorry for her, and being very very angry at her. She has done things that I feel are reprehensible and borderline criminal. Or at least unethical.
Anyway, enough blathering about all that. I appreciate everyone's help. For a while there I was starting to wonder if my mother was more psychopath than just a personality disorder, but upon more studying into the situation, it looks like she is less of a psycho than I thought. Mind you, definitions of this and that seem to be shifting these days, so it might be harder to figure out. Either way, as I discovered earlier, it doesn't really matter what's wrong with her, it's more that I have taken steps to protect myself from her that counts.
Narcissistic people don't think there's anything wrong with themselves, naturally, so it's rare for any of them to get treatment. Instead it's us 'victims' that have to seek the help from their reign of terror! lol
I've got a blog that I have been adding links to help with researching various issues in my past and my interests in the possibly future, but I am not sure I am allowed to post it here. I have also posted a lot of my own ponderings and some information from other relatives (I had to really really protect their identities, they didn't want specific information or even initials or whether they were aunts/uncles/cousins etc because that is how afraid they are of my mother wreaking havoc upon them!)... So some of my statements are very general, while others are more candid snapshots. I figured anecdotal information might help some people recognize what the heck is the matter with someone in their relationship/family member -- maybe some of the things I went through won't be for nothing, maybe I can help point someone in the right direction. For instance, I did post a link to this site on my blog.
Thanks for listening!
PS: I am hoping this is the correct way to publish a thread under the New Members: Introductions, so please forgive me if I messed up...
I've been getting some info off of various websites. Mostly my purpose here is to educate myself (I've always been interested in how the mind works). The reason is because I have had some Cognitive/Behavioural Therapy with a psychologist and after a few years of sessions I feel more confident about what I need to do.
My mother (my psychologist thinks) has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally and psychologically abusive. Anyone who has a relationship with someone with NPD knows what I am talking about.
My life involved a lot of emotion-swallowing. I became a lot like my dad. My dad enables my mother. He was emotionally and physically abused when he was a child by his own father (and his mother was very passive, like he is)... In order to keep the peace and not be a boat-rocker and upset the crazy one, I walked on egg-shells. I was not allowed to excel at much because it would make one of my brothers feel terrible about himself (the one my mother treated as her special project). The other brother I had never seemed to have any rules placed on him or restrictions. I think because I reminded my mother most of herself, she made me feel the most worthless and wrapped me around her fingers (or wrapped her fingers around my neck). I was always expected to be 'the example' for my siblings, be responsible, be the one looking after my younger brothers. If they did something wrong, it would be my fault.
Of course when you are a child, everything in your family is what you think is in everyone's family, so you think that everything is normal until you manage to get out of that environment for a while. My mom is still like that, and my dad still enables her. I have taken steps to distance myself from both of them, although it sure helped when they moved away!
The reason I finally went to talk to a psychologist several years ago was because I had a sort of nervous breakdown at work. It probably wasn't exactly a nervous breakdown, but I was full of anxiety and it was because of the type of work environment I was in. There was no managers from my department in the same province as me, for one, and the trainer/mentor that was helping me do my job long distance was telling me to do things one way, and my managers in a completely different province from my trainer were telling me to do things completely another way. The other issue was that I was supposed to be office support, but the company I had trained with was merged with another company. Essentially the people that trained and managed me wanted me to completely change the way the old system was, when the original employees that were there were used to doing things a completely different way. In retrospect it was like I was expected to manage things on my own. It was a very poisonous work environment, and one day I just broke down and went out in back of the building and cried for about an hour. Then I went on stress leave. I had never ever sought counseling before. So that's what started me on my road to healing. I had a Cognitive/Behavioural Psychologist help me. I realized that I had made some poor relationship (and work) choices because I was trying to do things like the way things were done in my family.
I've already been poking around here, and this environment seems very safe and supportive. It's been a lot easier for me to put my mother (and by association, my father as well) at arms length. I have blocked my mother's phone calls. Sometimes my father isn't even aware that she is calling us. She has done this a few times when calling my dad's mother, and my mom will hang up on my 90-something year old gramma because my gramma wants to talk to my dad or because my gramma tries to interrupt or disagree with my mom.
I am finding strength with reading forums like this because I definitely feel less alone. I have even told my parents that I prefer to keep only email communication open for now because when I call them, my mom takes over the conversation and my dad never says anything, and when I am done my conversations I don't feel very good about myself.
I just don't want to fall prey to the old feelings of guilt, where to protect myself from my own mother it makes me feel like a bad daughter. But I am so tired of her pushing my buttons, and lying, and trying to take advantage of our relationship. How can I keep going back to that? I feel like Prometheus, a Titan who stole fire from heaven for man. Zeus punished him by chaining him to rock in Caucasus where vultures devoured his liver daily. I'm no Titan, though, lol... I feel so weak, like my mother is a vulture who likes to beat me down daily and devour any self-esteem I might be clinging to.
I have two brothers. One middle brother who seems to have some kind of learning disability or possibly even Schizophrenia, but I don't know if that's just him, or if he had help from my mother to make him even more ill... My other youngest brother doesn't communicate with my parents either, except by the occasional email - my mother turned into a she-devil when he got married. She managed to make my sister-in-law feel physically ill from anxiety and lack of sleep.
My mother has managed to isolate herself really well, because she is so clingy. She only hangs around people she thinks are worthy. But those people tire of her quickly, or eventually. Because she'll suck the life out of you by pouring out her troubles on your lap. She will plead and beg and whine one day and then turn around and lash out like a viper if she doesn't get her way. I am torn between feeling sorry for her, and being very very angry at her. She has done things that I feel are reprehensible and borderline criminal. Or at least unethical.
Anyway, enough blathering about all that. I appreciate everyone's help. For a while there I was starting to wonder if my mother was more psychopath than just a personality disorder, but upon more studying into the situation, it looks like she is less of a psycho than I thought. Mind you, definitions of this and that seem to be shifting these days, so it might be harder to figure out. Either way, as I discovered earlier, it doesn't really matter what's wrong with her, it's more that I have taken steps to protect myself from her that counts.
Narcissistic people don't think there's anything wrong with themselves, naturally, so it's rare for any of them to get treatment. Instead it's us 'victims' that have to seek the help from their reign of terror! lol
I've got a blog that I have been adding links to help with researching various issues in my past and my interests in the possibly future, but I am not sure I am allowed to post it here. I have also posted a lot of my own ponderings and some information from other relatives (I had to really really protect their identities, they didn't want specific information or even initials or whether they were aunts/uncles/cousins etc because that is how afraid they are of my mother wreaking havoc upon them!)... So some of my statements are very general, while others are more candid snapshots. I figured anecdotal information might help some people recognize what the heck is the matter with someone in their relationship/family member -- maybe some of the things I went through won't be for nothing, maybe I can help point someone in the right direction. For instance, I did post a link to this site on my blog.
Thanks for listening!
PS: I am hoping this is the correct way to publish a thread under the New Members: Introductions, so please forgive me if I messed up...
