life without this

[Eunoia]

sorry I haven't been around. but things just happened. and I found that I would spend so much time on here I was starting to get a lot worse again even though I was able to express my feelings, learn from others, and help others. it became one more obsession on top of all the other ones. I know I won't be able to be here a lot b/c I have so much stuff going on right now, but I felt like posting this and seeing what people's feedback is... maybe someone has answers where I have found none?

Will there ever be a day when all of this will only exist in the past and not the present, and not the future? I've found that you can go through periods of recovery, even realize you have a problem (on some level), and educate yourself so much about ed's that it would make perfect sense to discontinue the behaviours, the thoughts. But as we all know, it's not that easy. knowledge about being healhty, eating healthy, exercising turns into ways of getting yourself closer to your goal. it's not a healthy lifestyle, it's the lifestyle you lead to get out of having to eat food and being able to justify the little amount you eat or feeling less guilty about eating if it is somewhat healthy. thoughts don't ever disappear though. even if the behaviour is not there, the thoughts are always there creeping up in the back of my mind. I can't eat one meal actually enjoying it for what it is. I can't sit down without noticing my thighs or my stomach. I can't go shopping w/ friends without feeling like I am enormous. I count up calories in my head from foods I have eaten, foods I want to eat, foods I have not eaten, foods that others are eating. I can't even snack on food most of the time in front of people. It takes a lot to eat lunch w/ people and I try to avoid it at all costs, and if I can't I'll substitue it for something "healthy". Don't get me wrong; I hate talking about this and yet as much as I hate it I love it too. I don't know why people bother telling me I'm skinny or pretty if clearly this has never made a difference. I see running as a way to burn calories and a way to run away from things. So I will gladly join my friends on a run... you can live this life appearing oh so happy and oh so well and healthy... the list goes on....
but deep down you know it's not true. even if this is what you want, and believe me it is, you know this is not the reality that others know.

I was reading these studies today about children of anorexics and bulimics and child feeding disorders and eating disorders. You kind of think or at least hope that this will be ok by the time that part of your life will start. I mean I have no intentions of having children any time soon and I don't know what will happen eventually but how can you justify having kids when it is proven that you have a pretty good chance of messing up your kids as well in terms of their eating behaviors etc. Obviously this doesn't mean this happens to everyone and I do believe that some people can recover for good. But I think a lot of factors determine this, ie how long you had an ed for, possible causes, how you treated it etc. As little as I can remember what it actually felt like to be normal w/ food, as little can I see into the future without this. I feel like I can live my life like this and somehow think it will be ok. But will it really? Will I be able to keep this up all through university, through my career, though a marriage, through having children? That just doesn't sound right. But all of this is me. So how can one part ever be cut off? This is not something to grow out of.

How do you guys feel about this? Is there a life without this? For good? For everyone? I don't mean a life where you look ok and eat ok but still have all these weird habits and fears; that's not normal. Can an anorexic become "normal" again? Can a bulimic become "normal" again? How so? It seems so contradictory making all these decisions to have a good life and then having this as just another part of one's personality, self-identity, habits... b/c it's so normal to us.

 

[Cat Dancer]

but how can you justify having kids when it is proven that you have a pretty good chance of messing up your kids as well in terms of their eating behaviors etc.

I really hope this isn't true.

I do believe people can recover and get well. I think it's a long, hard process of taking one day at a time, not really looking to the future, just dealing with each day as it comes. I've heard of recovering alcoholics craving a drink years and years and years later and the same goes for people who have quit smoking craving a cigarette years later.

I think it is something that requires counseling and possibly medication and the help of a dietician.

I also believe the longer one is engaged in eating disordered behavior, the harder it is to recover. It does become such a part of life.

 

[Eunoia]

the studies I read were case studies, so the sample size is pretty small. but it's a relevant topic to consider. and yes, I do believe some people can manage to be good role models but their own preoccuation with food can transfer onto their children who mimic some of the behaviours, have lower weights, and can even feel guilty for their mom's disorder. I just wouldn't want to wish that upon my kids. but when I think of the future this is still here so how do you combine the two? or even just pregnancy itself. do you really want to be purging with a baby inside of you? obviously not and as pregnancy goes on purging decreases but it is still there before and afterwards. that can't be good for a child.

I was thinking of recovering alcoholics and drug addicts too when I was writing this. and you're right, they can recover and they may have that one day or moment when all they want is "x". in that sense it's similar to an ed. but we're talking about food here. I understand that when you get to the bottom of an ed it's not about food, but my point is that if you are an addict you can stay away from your drug of choice. you can't stay away from food or exercise so you don't have to think of it (I mean you can but realistically not for very long). it'll always be a part of your life, waiting for you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

But with therapy you can get to the point where you are no longer obsessed or preoccupied with food, weight, body image, etc. It is not inevitable that because you have had an ED your children will also have that problem.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

therapie will help so much believe .. I have been undergoing a semi intense therapie for now 2 weeks a bit more nd well although it is hard it helps a lot you get to talk and tell them whatever ou want they don't judge you at all they just listen and then work with you on that. your e-d does not only effect you but t also has a direct impact on everyone around you your. especially your emediat familly the people that se you deteriorate are hurt in this as well they want abov all for you to get well but they can't do anything and feeling that useless hurts a lot .
yours trully
ashley
ps: therapi is hard but it is well worth it anything is better then struggling with aan e-d forever

 

[Heather]

I dunno if this helps but I was aneroxic at one stage and am not anymore (haven't been for a few years), now I still do not do my body any favours, I do not eat as healthily as I should and I skip meals but I am cured from aneroxia.

Heather...

 

[Diana]

Hi! I can relate to you in many ways. I was never bulimic, but the constant thinking about food and my body and calories, ya I understand it. And, wondering if it will ever completely go away. Well, I'm not anorexic anymore, so that shows that there is always hope. Unfortunately though, I am not rid of the thoughts that always creep up even when I eat something and enjoy it! But, you talked about normal. Well, what exactly is "normal"? I mean, everyone has SOMETHING that makes them not completely "normal". Some people overwork themselves in their jobs, some people are afraid of heights, some people are afraid of spiders. When these things become life threatening then you definitely have to do something about them. But, when they're not life threatening anymore, then, yes sure it still helps to address them and try your best to overcome them, but you don't have to make yourself feel like you are abnormal. I know the anorexic feelings, emotions and thoughts are still with me and it would be better if they weren't. However, being able to progress as far as I have is better than still being anorexic. I know it can be very frustrating, but I feel like there are numerous lights at the end of numerous tunnels in life. You just have to do your best. I don't think I've given much advice here, but I just wanted to let you know that I do understand and that things can always get better.

 

[Eunoia]

thanks for the replies. so I went to counselling services today on campus and ended up telling this guy about my history, including the food issues. so he just started referring to it as bulimia and pretty much wanted me to choose one of the referral services to go to and work on that issue. I mean that's great and everything, but it took A LOT to even go there, and I didn't make this my topic of discussion but we ended up touching on it. not only did it take a lot to go there, but to tell him... I mean I haven't told this stuff to anyone since yearssss.... it's not as simple as just telling someone and then going to this thing and getting better. He suggested these groups where you talk about ed's, I mean again it took A LOT to go there and tell him, I can't picture myself telling this to like 10 other people and talking about it. That's not what I want. I don't know what I want though. But I do know that I am not ready for that kind of change- any change at all really(?). I don't know what to do from here, I mean I think I took a huge step, I don't know why but I did and now I am stuck b/c I feel like I am being forced to "work on this" and "get better". For whatever reason I do still believe this is ok for me, besides from feeling exhausted from everything.... but I mean this is the me I know. and it's worked so far. he wants me to go back and tell him my decision... what do I do?!!?!? This is exactly the reason why I haven't told anyone... and why I regret telling someone when I do open up about things. I feel like I made myself look stupid, I feel like someone else would have been in more "need" than me to be there, I feel like I let myself down, I feel really confused..... I'm afraid this will just push me to keep on going like it has so many times, afraid of change, wanting to prove something to myself. I know this is stupid. But I'm just being honest.

I'm so lost.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Go back and tell him the truth. That there are some things you think you can work on and others you're not sure about yet. And that you don't believe you are ready to talk about any of these things in a group at this point.

Then ask him if he feels he is able to help you in individual therapy. If not, can he suggest someone who will? If not, leave and talk to your family doctor about suggesting someone else, or come back here and PM me your general location and I'll see what we can come up with.

If you are going to open up about your issues and fears and problems to another person, you need to feel that the person is trustworthy and competent.

 

[Eunoia]

yes, I know I am definately not ready to talk about things in a group. or go to any specific source for only ed's... I mean as I have said many times before I don't even know where I stand with that. I don't know what it is that I want but I know I am not ready for what he seemed to think was a great idea. I have no idea if I trust him- I pretty much just felt at the point where I couldn't keep on talking about "issues" if I wanted to get anywhere and so I said a few things... is he competent? I have no idea. I hope so. I guess I'll see when I go back, which isn't until in like 2 wks... but so if we do talk about other things, I'm sure he would want me to tell him what I mean by other things. what do I mean by that??? to me those aren't reasons enough alone to go there. only all of them added up together. but I guess something was pushing me to go there in the 1st place and now I am debating whether to do what I always do, which is "cover everything up and pretend like nothing ever happened". I mean all I have to do is not go back. or to stop opening up. it's like this internal struggle, where I know I want to go in one direction on some level and yet the other way is pulling me as close as it can. how am I supposed to start working on "issues" if I can't even figure out what's going on in my own head and can't fight the thoughts of returning back to my familiar "normal"...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

hello, I can relate to the way you are like trying somewhat i find to like discourage yourself from going to get help .. at the beginning it is really scarry but what my shrink said is that it is going ot get bad before it gets better if that helps a bit solving issues is never eay eigther i it tis one big one or many small ones it is hard but tell yourself that you are worth is you don't deserve to have to live with an e-d no one does so think what's in your best interest health wise and i am sure you can make the right decisions
yours trully ashley

 

[Eunoia]

ok, so I got rid of my last post b/c I think it's just a bunch of my thoughts put together, which, unfortunately make no sense. I don't know.

anyways, I really need some help w/ this. please please please. I don't know what to do. I know some of you might think the answer is obvious but I've been thinking about this ever since I went to the counselling center and I don't know what to do from here. I have asboluetly no idea why I went there- besides from being exhausted and stressed. But there's such a big part of me that doesn't want to change anything about my life, that just wants to keep on going- I'm always thinking, just think of all that you have been through, all that you have accomplished, and how much more/better you could do if you just keep on going. I know realistically that may make no sense to you b/c it doesn't seem like a very happy or healthy life, but I am scared. I am so scared of what he would expect me to do and what I will have to give up and I dont' want to lose all of me, I know it doesn't have to be like this but I've worked for what I have now so long I don't want to lose all of that b/c I decided it's just too much. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am really scared. I have so many conditions to ever even considering working on this that it seems pretty much impossible. I wish this would have only been my life since say 6 mths (not to say that it's ever easy)and that it was only a matter of finding the help and taking it. I don't know what to do b/c this has been me since 9+ yrs.

I am scared of myself. I am scared of what will happen once I will be on my own. I am looking forward to it but I am scared. I have wanted to literally waste away b/c I couldn't take it anymore... and my enemy has become my friend. one constant thing. I don't want to be pretty or skinny (as some might think), I want to be nothing, feel nothing.... I got almost 100% on an exam and what did I think??? why did I get that one question wrong, I should have known better. I hate this way of thinking. I hate hating me. But I hate myself so much. This is the one thing that keeps me going as much as it brings me down. I dont' know if I'm ready to give this up. I don't think I should have a choice about this almost b/c I don't think I will be able to go through w/ this.

 

[Eunoia]

can someone pls help me w/ this??!?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wasn't sure there was a question in there, Eunoia. It read more like you were describing your ambivalence and some confusion about going to counselling and about the prospect of change.

That's nothing unusual - everyone experiences that. But no therapist is going to force you to do anything. What happens in therapy is that you will be assisted in identifying things you would like to change about your life and will be given some suggestions on how to achieve those changes. What you do with the advice and the suggestions is up to you.

So the bottom line is: You have nothing to lose. And you just might gain a lot more than you know.

 

[Diana]

Hi! All I have to say is that YOU have always existed and always will exist. You're not going to lose yourself, but you might end up recognizing aspects of yourself that you couldn't see so clearly before. That might eventually cause you to abandon certain behaviours, but you won't lose yourself. Even you understand that SOMETHING made you go and seek help. Maybe you can find out what that something is. It might not completely work out the first time, but any steps toward getting better help you to become closer. Why don't you give it a try? Let us know how it goes.

 

[Eunoia]

ok, so I went.. and we decided to work on some stuff but not on the ed stuff primarly. which is what I wanted b/c I don't feel like I am completely ready to do so and I don't want to focus on this 24/7 b/c I feel like that doesn't get me anywhere. so here's where the problem comes in.... I have been focusing on this 24/7 since 2 weeks and since then I feel like things have been completely out of control, or should I say more "in control" b/c I'm really making sure I do all of the things I used to do to actively lose weight.... I don't understand how half of me can be almost happy/relieved that I went and finally told someone where as the other 50% of me HATES this idea and is doing EVERYTHING in my power to make up for it. I feel like I have to get worse or get "better" in my sense... I feel like I HAVE to reach those goals and I set myself a goal and a time frame and I have started doing all of those things again that make you be preoccupied w/ food, losing weight, dieting etc. 24/7. I can't even be cold w/out thinking, ok, being cold makes you burn cals. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand what *I* want, or which one of these 2 is *me*. He wants me to focus on my thoughts when purging, restricting etc. and that's exactly what I don't want to do... I don't want to focus on that b/c I KNOW things will end up getting worse... it's like I am competing with myself. Where do I go from here!?!??