Like being sedated - and not in a good way

[braveheart]

I was talking today in therapy about how it breaks my heart that I perpetuate my own outcast-ness now, continuing how I was marginalised and alienated in the past, now.

Suddenly, as I was on the verge of tears I switched out of it somehow - this wasn't a completely conscious process. And it was like I was heavily sedated or drugged - I couldn't feel anything. [Apart from frustration] I was there, but not there. Nothing seemed important and it was kind of like being on a cloud, I was quietly giggly and 'silly' and I couldn't get myself out of it. My therapist 'reached in' to me which shifted things a bit, but I'm still sort of in that state. It's like I can't think or feel. I feel slight anxiety, and irritable, but apart from that I can't think straight.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced similar, and also for me to have a safe space here to try and get my head around it all.

 

[ladylore]

Re: like being sedated - and not in a good way

What your talking about I can relate too.

The way I see it is that are bodies and minds are miraculous, protecting us when things feel too overwhelming. It sounds Braveheart that you were in a very scary place and your mind may have switched over to a track that is more familiar and safer.

This type of place can be scary too but I do truely believe that its a built in system (warning system) to detect danger and take us out of harms way.

I have been told to say thank you to that system for keeping me safe. And I have checked this out and there is no danger right now - its ok to calm down.

I know - easier said then done. What I am feeling for you and with this experience is compassion.

:hug::friends:

 

[Halo]

Re: like being sedated - and not in a good way

Braveheart,

While I can't say that I have ever experienced that sort of feeling, I can appreciate that it must be frightening. My only thought would be try some of your techniques to see if you can help ground yourself in a safe way.

I am glad that you are able to open up here and let it out of your head. Hopefully someone else will be able to relate to those feelings.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

that sounds like a frightening experience. did you and your therapist talk about it and how to get yourself grounded again?

 

[braveheart]

Thank you....

I think I'm starting to 'come back to myself' now. With a hell of a lot of anger and sadness.
It's really starting to hit me that I was an outcast, and continue that now. And I don't know how to get free.
Being an outcast is so terrifying, it's no wonder I dissociated, I suppose. I never really properly felt it before.

Grounding? Hmm. This isn't like my usual dissociation, it was in a different league altogether. Yelling and shouting and screaming seems to help. But in the right place....

 

[Into The Light]

that sounds very intense. almost like all the anger and pain and sadness was just too much to deal with in session, so your body just numbed you to it. and now some of it is starting to come out. :hug: it sounds a little scary but i don't know if you are feeling afraid? i hope you aren't.

i know you feel like an outcast right now but i think as you continue your journey and heal that that feeling one day won't be there anymore.

 

[braveheart]

Thank you.

I have waves of fear, inbetween shutting down.

 

[Into The Light]

is your therapist available to you by phone to help you through this some?

 

[Halo]

Thank you.

I have waves of fear, inbetween shutting down.

I can appreciate and understand those feelings and I think you are very strong to be able to work through those.

When is your next therapy appointment? Do you think that you will be able to talk to her about the waves of fear and shutting down?

Take care and be gentle with yourself.
:hug: :hug:

 

[braveheart]

Therapy today. Am just home from it.
We talked about... everything. Including my feelings of being utterly ugly and defective.

And talking and exploring the ache of my desires... feels a relief. I don't know where it will go yet, but it's a start.

I feel really vulnerable. And I'm trying to accept the vulnerability of adult me, rather that placing it in 5 year old me, which feels safer, but isn't really.

 

[Halo]

I am glad to hear that you had therapy today and were able to talk to her about how you have been feeling. I can relate to that relief feeling just being able to get things out by talking.

I know you said that you feel vulnerable but I would see that as a good thing....at least you are feeling and not shutting down. I appreciate that it is hard to feel but I think that it is good.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad you saw your therapist today. it sounded like you were really having a difficult time yesterday. hang in there. the storm is passing.

 

[braveheart]

Thanks. I just feel so exhausted. And a bit shakey.

 

[braveheart]

I'm facing the self protective self persecutory part of my psyche head on right now. It's really been putting up an intense fight.

It's so hard when this part of my mind attacks me. It's pretty much having a bully and abuser in my head 24/7. It also perceives the attack as coming from outside [like it was back then], when [now] it's actually in my head.

It's how to make the transition from metophorically stoning and ostracising myself for being the 'village idiot' to accepting myself as a member of the human race. As someone who exists in a human body, and is not a figment of my own imagination.

I need help to have the strength to resist the internal attacks.
I need assurance that I'm an ok human being, and am not the ugliest thing to have ever walked the earth, that my life is worthwhile.

I need help to trust that I will be able to make it through this, that I won't lose touch with reality completely and forever.. I resorted to fantasy when I was growing up, to cope, to survive. It just takes me away now. It doesn't help me any more.

I had therapy this morning, and I'm feeling slightly less exhausted. Slightly. This takes up so much energy, and the 'attacks' drain me. They take away my ability to think clearly, even to remember what I or someone else said 2 minutes ago, sometimes.

It's really hard. To resist that seductive lure of my inner attacker is hard, because somewhere in me there's a comfort in harshness.

But there's also a longing for love. A deep longing that aches to the very core of my being.

This inner attacker sees me as invisible, worthless. So much so that it can make me hide. I don't want to hide. Really I don't. It feels very vulnerable for me to be seen. But I need help. I need warmth, connection. I need people to be on my side.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm on your side.

:hug:

 

[Halo]

I need assurance that I'm an ok human being, and am not the ugliest thing to have ever walked the earth, that my life is worthwhile.

I can offer you my assurance that I think you are an ok and a beautiful human being. Actually you are more than ok you are caring, courageous, strong and determined. You are a friend and a big part of the Psychlinks community.

I need help to trust that I will be able to make it through this, that I won't lose touch with reality completely and forever..

You need to hang onto whatever hope that you have and keep posting. Even if you don't believe in yourself and trust that you will make it through...trust us and believe us when we say you will.

This inner attacker sees me as invisible, worthless. So much so that it can make me hide. I don't want to hide. Really I don't. It feels very vulnerable for me to be seen. But I need help. I need warmth, connection. I need people to be on my side.

You are definitely not invisible nor are you worthless. I see you, I am here for you, I am behind you, I am on your side.

 

[Misha]

Braveheart, you have so many people on your side. You are such an important part of this forum, and you've been an encouragement to me MANY times. I understand those bad days, and I feel for what you are going through. Stay strong, I know you are!!

 

[Into The Light]

you are not invisible, you are a real human being with real worth and so many positive qualities. you have such eloquence to your writing, you are brave and courageous, you are taking care of you by working so hard in therapy. you make a difference here at psychlinks with your empathy and compassion and your personal experiences that help others. there is only one braveheart, and no one can ever take your place.

sending you warm hugs :hug::hug:

 

[braveheart]

Thank you everyone.

I saw my GP and she was great, very reassuring and understanding. It's like she helps build a ground of protection around the intense emotional work I have to do in therapy.

For a while after seeing her I felt... not ugly. But since then, with the stress of being around lots of people out shopping afterwards, it's come back full force. The sense of myself as an ugly freak is really draining. Unless I get direct reassurance that I am not that way, I find it hard to see evidence of any alternative. I'm scared of being seen as manipulative. I suppose in some ways I am. I'm ashamed of that.

These negative self perceptions are so draining.
And they twist the truth so I'm left not knowing even which way is up, as it were. Which I suppose is how it was with my father when I was growing up - and my mum, they twisted truths and made the world an ugly place, and the bullies' taunt words fill split-off-me's vocabulary. It's like *it*/'she' pulls me through another doorway, first making me mute and then drowning me in self hatred. I'm tired of this. It makes me tired of living, sometimes.

I try to hold onto the fact that awareness of what is happening in my thought process gives me the power to shift things. It feels so overwhelming though. No wonder I would seek the comfort of my internal fantasies of being loved, cared for and protected.

I am better than I was a year, 2 years ago, radically better. But it's still so hard. When my mind is fighting my very existance... it should be no surprise that that's how I learnt.. nearly dying at birth, my father threatening to send away - and how I was supposed to be not seen and not heard, and how I was only close to my mum as a kind of extension of her, and how my peers persecuted me...
I, who is I, me, the individual that I am?

The tragic thing is that when I am in full possession of myself, I recognise my value and uniqueness. I 'just' happen to have a large portion of my psyche that is metaphorically a dungeon or a war-zone or torture chamber. I'm so split. It's good that I'm building some goodness now, because it used to be all dark. As I become more ... someone [I used to feel that I had no personality at all..] it's like I see the dark more clearly. I just have to take 'me' into that place and heal the brokeness and keep the warmth steady...

 

[Into The Light]

I saw my GP and she was great, very reassuring and understanding. It's like she helps build a ground of protection around the intense emotional work I have to do in therapy.

i am really glad you have her support. it really does make a difference.

For a while after seeing her I felt... not ugly. But since then, with the stress of being around lots of people out shopping afterwards, it's come back full force.

what is it that gives you that feeling? do you recognize the thought processes that lead to that conclusion?

I'm scared of being seen as manipulative. I suppose in some ways I am. I'm ashamed of that.

do you see yourself that way because you have needs and you have no direct way of expressing those needs, and so you try to get them in indirect ways?

It's like *it*/'she' pulls me through another doorway, first making me mute and then drowning me in self hatred. I'm tired of this. It makes me tired of living, sometimes.

does this ever make you angry? what if you told it to stop and fight it? (i am not trying to simplify or trivialize things here, not at all, i'm just writing what comes to mind. i have no idea what techniques you may have tried to deal with this.)

I try to hold onto the fact that awareness of what is happening in my thought process gives me the power to shift things. It feels so overwhelming though. No wonder I would seek the comfort of my internal fantasies of being loved, cared for and protected.

it is overwhelming when we see what is happening and we are in the process of trying to change and only are able to change minute things. but i think with time you will feel less and less overwhelmed.

I am better than I was a year, 2 years ago, radically better. But it's still so hard.

i can relate to that. just remind yourself that if you were able to improve this much since then, you will be able to improve in the same way from where you are today.

I, who is I, me, the individual that I am?

you are in the process of discovering yourself. when you stop to think about that, that is quite an amazing thing. i think that at the end of this journey you will like yourself very much

The tragic thing is that when I am in full possession of myself, I recognise my value and uniqueness. I 'just' happen to have a large portion of my psyche that is metaphorically a dungeon or a war-zone or torture chamber. I'm so split. It's good that I'm building some goodness now, because it used to be all dark. As I become more ... someone [I used to feel that I had no personality at all..] it's like I see the dark more clearly. I just have to take 'me' into that place and heal the brokeness and keep the warmth steady...

maybe you could write this down somewhere and re-read it when you are starting to get stuck again? just as a reminder of who you really are?