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butterfly

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May 23, 2005
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Hi. I'm new to this forum and I'm not really sure how to do this.
I lost my second chid at 57 days old on Nov 11 2004. The doctors couldn't find any reason for her death and have just called it SIDS. I'm not doing very well the loss. I also have bipolar disorder,BPD,PTSD and am a cutter. until last month I wasn't being treated for my bipolar(hadn't been for about 1 year) so needless to say Alexys' death was a major trigger that threw me totally out of control. I have no idea how to even start dealing with it. the 22nd of this month was 6 months that we buried her. I feel like I had to have done something to cause it. What healthy baby dies for no reason? I can't understand it or accept that shes gone. At times I find myself wondering if she was ever REALLY even here. I'm lost! I miss her so bad that I want to join her (my 4 year old has her father ,Alexys has neither one of us), a lot of the time. I don't know what to do or where to turn, I'm enough of a burden on my family as it is so I keep most stuff to myself.
 

just mary

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Nov 3, 2004
Messages
754
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

Hi Lilly,

Again, welcome and I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you're going through a really rough time. Have you anyone you can talk to? I'm thinking of a counsellor or a psychologist, someone who can listen and offer some support? From your e-mail you seem to be holding a lot inside, it would help to let some of it out, this forum is a great start and a very welcoming place but maybe some type of grief counselling would help even more.

Take care,
 

butterfly

Member
Joined
May 23, 2005
Messages
13
Points
1
loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

Its been really hard to find a counsler that I'm comfortable with. I'm basicly a shy person (unless I'm manic) and don't do to well expressing myself when i'm face to face. My pdoc wants me to find a SIDS suport group but I aready blame myself and am scared that someone else will find me at fault for her death. I do talk a lot to my sister in law, shes about the only one I trust and am comfortable with. I just hate to add more to the stress in her life. If she knew that I've been seriously thinking and trying to figure out how I can for sure end things to be with my daughter, well she'd probalbly have me back in the hospital. But that really does no good right now because I haven't figured out how yet. but anyway...thanks for being there. its easier for me to talk about things this way, I don't have to look at anyone.
 

just mary

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Joined
Nov 3, 2004
Messages
754
Points
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm glad you have someone you can talk to, even though you hate to add stress to her life but I don't think you are. People like to help, it's just hard when they feel your pain, they just want to ease your hurt for awhile. That's why I talked about a counsellor or a psychologist, they can take all that hurt for you but still remain objective. I lost my baby at 5 months gestation and it was so hard to talk to others because they would get upset and you would end up comforting them. When I talked to a psychologist, he could let me be upset and not get emotionally involved, i.e. I didn't feel as though I was burdening him.

I'm not sure what to say. But if you feel like venting here, you should.

Take care,
 

ThatLady

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Nov 4, 2004
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

I'm so very sorry for your loss, hon. I lost a child myself, so I know how it feels. It's pretty darned devastating.

Let's try looking at things from another direction. You have a four-year-old child who loves and needs you. To leave him would, I'm sure, not be what you'd want to do. Your little girl is gone. That cannot be changed. However, the love you give to your little boy can make his life, and yours, truly wonderful.

Give things a bit of time. The pain will always be there, but it becomes more bearable with time. We'll be here for you if you need to talk.

Hugs, hon. Big, loving hugs.
 

butterfly

Member
Joined
May 23, 2005
Messages
13
Points
1
loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

thank you . If I knew what to say I'd talk about it, but other then feeling lost I couldn't even guess at how I'm feeling. I'm getting to the point that hurting myself or killing myself is all I can think about. I just want to be with Alexys. Bryanna (my 4 year old) will be just fine. She will still have her daddy. Alexys needs one of us and that needs to be me because Bryanna is a Daddys girl. I just can't live with the thought that Alexys has no one to take care of her. I'm scared though. I really just wish that I could curl up in a little ball and just cease to be. I'm sorry if this is jummbled. Its taken me forever to get the thoughts out (my thoughts are racing badly) my pdoc put me on some new meds and I'm having problems getting used to them. they don't seem to be working very well right now. but this rollar-coaster ride (with the up-ups and thedown-downs) is getting to be to much to handle. I think that might be part of why I'm ready to go and why cutting is once again so tempting to me.
 

David Baxter

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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

butterfly said:
I'm getting to the point that hurting myself or killing myself is all I can think about. I just want to be with Alexys. Bryanna (my 4 year old) will be just fine. She will still have her daddy. Alexys needs one of us and that needs to be me because Bryanna is a Daddys girl. I just can't live with the thought that Alexys has no one to take care of her.
No, you're quite wrong.

Bryanna needs both of you. Believe me, the pain and guilt a suicide leaves behind lasts a lifetime. To do that to Bryanna would be unbelievably cruel.

Alexys isn't alone. Alexys has God to watch over her and keep her company.

Bryanna needs you here.
 

butterfly

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May 23, 2005
Messages
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

I have a hard time beiliving that there is a God or at least one that gives a rip. What "loving" God gives and then takes away a beautiful life?
 

David Baxter

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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

Maybe the life she is living now is better than the one she left...

I don't know. I do know I also lost a daughter. And I do know I miss her every day. I also know that as devastated as I was and often still am, it would be sheer cowardice and selfishness to leave my other children with the memory of their parent's suicide. So even thought there may have been times where I might have wished for it, it simply is not something I could ever allow to happen.
 

butterfly

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May 23, 2005
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

I know that suicide is a selfish act. but have you ever gotten to the point that you really just don't care? sometimes I think that part of the craziness of bipolar is a learned behavior and Bryanna would be better off not being with a crazy mother. but if I lost her I'd end up dead so whats the difference? I don't want to be alive! whats the point?
 

David Baxter

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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

I know that suicide is a selfish act. but have you ever gotten to the point that you really just don't care?
I have been at a point where I just don't care about me, yes.

I have never been at a point where I didn't care about my children. I lost one of them but there are three other ones who need a father.
 

butterfly

Member
Joined
May 23, 2005
Messages
13
Points
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

I have never quit caring about my daughter but I do think that she would be better off without me. I love my child very much, enough to know that she shouldn't have to have a mother that can't control her mood swings or the way I react to them.
 
Joined
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

Unless a parent is abusive in some way I cannot imagine a child being better off without that parent.

It would be something that would haunt her forever, losing you. It might even cause her to become suicidal later.
 

ThatLady

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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

When we have a child, we take on a responsibility. We are responsible for that child, through thick and thin. No matter how much we hurt, no matter how hard things get, that child deserves the very best we can give them. Suicide is far from the best one can do.

I understand your pain. I've felt it, too. However, my little guy was gone. He'd moved beyond my ability to help him. I had to leave that duty to a higher power, just as you must do now. The pain will never go away, but it will become manageable. Finally, after a long time, it becomes just a memory...perhaps, not a happy memory, but it is no longer all-consuming. In the time between the first, sharp agony and the time when your feelings become more manageable, you need help. You need counselling, and you need your own inner strength and the knowledge that another child needs your love and care. It is through the harnessing of that strength that you overcome your grief.
 

David Baxter

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Messages
37,384
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loss of daughter to S.I.D.S

butterfly said:
I have never quit caring about my daughter but I do think that she would be better off without me. I love my child very much, enough to know that she shouldn't have to have a mother that can't control her mood swings or the way I react to them.
That should be motivation for you to persevere to find a way to manage your symptoms more effectively, not motivation to end your life. Doing that might remove one problem for her but it would add another far worse one and leve her alone to cope with it.
 

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