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Coach Training: Mothers & Daughters - dependence, conflict & pain
Systemic Coaching for Mother-Daughter Issues
Telephone Coaching with Martyn Carruthers
Me Mother - You Daughter
Many women have difficult relationships with their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships. A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends. A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life - while giving very different messages to her sons.
Troubled Teenage Girls . Mothers On The Run - Blog
Many adult women recognize the difficult behavior of their mothers yet find themselves criticizing their own daughters, with endless demands and barely controlled emotions. We find it difficult to attach too much importance to mother fixation in both men and women.
Daughters and Rivals
The birth of a child is always important. If the child is son, and the new mother is not stable, she may cling to her child as a perfect love-object. If the child is a daughter, a lonely father may find a willing recipient for his unexpressed love.
Many families are dominated by a mother. A strong woman arguing with her partner is relatively healthy, if the children are excluded. Unfortunately children are often drawn into the family politics of fighting parents. If the parents do not solve their problems, a daughter may protect an immature father from a complaining mother. And a daughter may become a substitute woman-friend for mother.
If a woman agrees with her own mother's opinion about her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and sympathize with her mother. An adult daughter may keep this belief though life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the same way as her mother treated her husband.
Father-Daughter Bonding . Mother-Son Bonding
A daughter who sees this game may ask dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized she is by mother.
I have talked with hundreds of women about this. Many say that not only their fathers get angry, leaving the room, watching TV, smoking, or drinking, but even they as small children they heard long hours of mothers' complaints and criticisms. As little girls they learned that complaining and criticizing are normal ways to communicate.
Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other. Few mothers abandon, abuse or neglect their children; and most mothers have good intentions and nurture and protect their children through childhood. Some adult children blame their mothers for their own life problems.
Happiness is often an issue in family politics. An unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.
Soulwork systemic solutions encourages and enables acceptance and clarity in difficult relationships. Acceptance and understanding can reunite mothers and daughters who have problems relating to or even tolerating each other.
Health Problems
Some health problems associated with toxic mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, bulimia, delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions, overweight, schizophrenia and suicidal thoughts. The daughters of dysfunctional mothers may suffer:
Some mothers want and enjoy the responsibilities of motherhood. Others may radiate complaints, justifications and excuses, as they express their lost independence and suffering to whoever might listen. Their diminished responsibility may have heavy consequences for their children.
A son may try to "partner" or "parent" a lonely mother, becoming prematurely mature. Like fireworks, these boys often burn out in their mid 20's. Despite intelligence and education, they may be be content with undemanding work, such as in a factory or driving a bus. See Mother's Little Prince.
Sons with mother-fixations often show low emotional intelligence. These men are often unable to work in adult teams nor maintain an adult partnership. Martyn often refers to such men as mother-bonded.
A daughter may also try to "partner" or "parent" her immature mother, but unlike a son, she may hide her intellect and delay her maturity - perhaps to show her mother that her mother is not so bad.
Changing Worlds
Mothers who try to impose their own childhood on their daughters may experience a rude awakening. The world has changed ... and so has our sense of what is normal:
Mothers’ Generation
Martyn and I studied emotional incest - especially entanglements between daughters and fathers; and between sons and mothers. Our research, descriptions and conclusions about intra-family codependence hit home and seem uncomfortably close to the reality of many people.
The relationship cycle of mothers and daughters may seem simple:
Mothers' Perspective
A mother may have unrealistic expectations, for example:
Adolescence
Some mothers try to relive their youth through their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' best friends. A mother may try to fill her daughter's life with her own unaccomplished goals, and may immerse herself into her daughter's life. A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or the daughter may identify with her mother.
Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want their mothers' approval but may not ask mother for approval. Daughters may want assurance that they are loved for who they are - not for who they may become. Mothers can find ways to affirm young women who are emerging from childhood.
Young Adulthood
Mother-daughter conflicts leave both women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough" may avoid asking for coaching and advice.
A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are adults and sometimes even behave like adults. And sometimes not.
Independent Woman
Mothers provide nurturing and security for a newborn human to survive physically and develop emotionally. Beyond that, a new human has many other resources and opportunities. Some children may blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or inappropriate behavior. These children remain children despite the age of their bodies.
Adults take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and actions. Children tend to blame their parents. Some questions of a mature daughter may be:
Role Reversal
There may come a time when the daughter becomes a caregiver to the mother. This can be a stressful time, perhaps with a decision "Should I ask Mom to live with me or put her into a nursing home?"
Tips for Mothers
Systemic Coaching for Mother-Daughter Issues
Telephone Coaching with Martyn Carruthers
Me Mother - You Daughter
Many women have difficult relationships with their mothers and daughters, even when they want good relationships. A mother may wish her daughters happiness, yet - from the point of view of her daughter - she acts quite opposite. A mother may describe her daughter's choices as failures, criticizing hairstyle, college, clothes and friends. A mother may advise her daughter to be realistic by preparing for an unfulfilling life - while giving very different messages to her sons.
Troubled Teenage Girls . Mothers On The Run - Blog
Many adult women recognize the difficult behavior of their mothers yet find themselves criticizing their own daughters, with endless demands and barely controlled emotions. We find it difficult to attach too much importance to mother fixation in both men and women.
Daughters and Rivals
The birth of a child is always important. If the child is son, and the new mother is not stable, she may cling to her child as a perfect love-object. If the child is a daughter, a lonely father may find a willing recipient for his unexpressed love.
Many families are dominated by a mother. A strong woman arguing with her partner is relatively healthy, if the children are excluded. Unfortunately children are often drawn into the family politics of fighting parents. If the parents do not solve their problems, a daughter may protect an immature father from a complaining mother. And a daughter may become a substitute woman-friend for mother.
If a woman agrees with her own mother's opinion about her husband, mother may accept her daughter as an equal. A young daughter may believe the mother to be a victim of a "bad" father, and sympathize with her mother. An adult daughter may keep this belief though life, finding a partner who is like father, and treating him in much the same way as her mother treated her husband.
Father-Daughter Bonding . Mother-Son Bonding
A daughter who sees this game may ask dangerous questions: is it possible that my father is OK? The more daughter expresses this new perception of father, the more criticized she is by mother.
I have talked with hundreds of women about this. Many say that not only their fathers get angry, leaving the room, watching TV, smoking, or drinking, but even they as small children they heard long hours of mothers' complaints and criticisms. As little girls they learned that complaining and criticizing are normal ways to communicate.
Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and immaturity. Mothers and daughters have problems relating to each other. Few mothers abandon, abuse or neglect their children; and most mothers have good intentions and nurture and protect their children through childhood. Some adult children blame their mothers for their own life problems.
Happiness is often an issue in family politics. An unhappy mother may unconsciously try to sabotage her daughter's happiness, and an entangled or enmeshed daughter may unconsciously sabotage her own happiness to avoid being happier than her mother.
Soulwork systemic solutions encourages and enables acceptance and clarity in difficult relationships. Acceptance and understanding can reunite mothers and daughters who have problems relating to or even tolerating each other.
Health Problems
Some health problems associated with toxic mother-daughter relationships are: addictions, anorexia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, bulimia, delayed maturity, depression, infertility, miscarriages, obsessions, overweight, schizophrenia and suicidal thoughts. The daughters of dysfunctional mothers may suffer:
- Sexual dysfunction
- Teenage pregnancy
- Drug and alcohol abuse
- Sexually transmitted diseases
- Relationships with abusive men
Some mothers want and enjoy the responsibilities of motherhood. Others may radiate complaints, justifications and excuses, as they express their lost independence and suffering to whoever might listen. Their diminished responsibility may have heavy consequences for their children.
A son may try to "partner" or "parent" a lonely mother, becoming prematurely mature. Like fireworks, these boys often burn out in their mid 20's. Despite intelligence and education, they may be be content with undemanding work, such as in a factory or driving a bus. See Mother's Little Prince.
Sons with mother-fixations often show low emotional intelligence. These men are often unable to work in adult teams nor maintain an adult partnership. Martyn often refers to such men as mother-bonded.
A daughter may also try to "partner" or "parent" her immature mother, but unlike a son, she may hide her intellect and delay her maturity - perhaps to show her mother that her mother is not so bad.
Changing Worlds
Mothers who try to impose their own childhood on their daughters may experience a rude awakening. The world has changed ... and so has our sense of what is normal:
Mothers’ Generation
- Economic depression was normal
- Repressive conservatism was normal
- Nuclear families were normal
- Early marriage was normal
- Basic education was normal
- Economic recovery is normal
- Political chaos is normal
- Varied family structures are normal
- Delayed marriage is normal
- Higher education is normal
Martyn and I studied emotional incest - especially entanglements between daughters and fathers; and between sons and mothers. Our research, descriptions and conclusions about intra-family codependence hit home and seem uncomfortably close to the reality of many people.
The relationship cycle of mothers and daughters may seem simple:
- Conception: A fetus is conceived
- Birth: A baby girl is born
- Infancy: The daughter fixates on her mother
- Childhood: Mother teaches daughter how to be female
- Adolescence: Daughter pushes away from mother to find independence
- Partnership: Daughter selects and attracts a partner
- Motherhood: Daughter becomes pregnant and gives birth
Mothers' Perspective
A mother may have unrealistic expectations, for example:
- My daughter will like me and be like me
- My daughter will love me above all others
- I can mold my daughter into an ideal woman
- We can have the relationship that I always wanted with my mother
Adolescence
Some mothers try to relive their youth through their daughters' lives. They may try to be their daughters' best friends. A mother may try to fill her daughter's life with her own unaccomplished goals, and may immerse herself into her daughter's life. A daughter may fight desperately to protect her own identity - or the daughter may identify with her mother.
Most daughters want a mother who will listen. They may want their mothers' approval but may not ask mother for approval. Daughters may want assurance that they are loved for who they are - not for who they may become. Mothers can find ways to affirm young women who are emerging from childhood.
Young Adulthood
Mother-daughter conflicts leave both women feeling lonely. This is a time for a mother to listen more than talk. Mother's experience is more easily accepted she will listen with compassion. A daughter who feels judged or "not good enough" may avoid asking for coaching and advice.
A daughter's young adulthood can be wonderful time for both. Childhood and adolescence are past. Daughters think they are adults and sometimes even behave like adults. And sometimes not.
Independent Woman
Mothers provide nurturing and security for a newborn human to survive physically and develop emotionally. Beyond that, a new human has many other resources and opportunities. Some children may blame their mothers for their every neurotic thought or inappropriate behavior. These children remain children despite the age of their bodies.
Adults take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions and actions. Children tend to blame their parents. Some questions of a mature daughter may be:
- Who am I if I am not my mother?
- Why do I want my mother's approval?
- Is it OK to be happier than my mother?
- Who is my father closer to - me or mother?
- What can I do so that my mother accepts me as an adult?
Role Reversal
There may come a time when the daughter becomes a caregiver to the mother. This can be a stressful time, perhaps with a decision "Should I ask Mom to live with me or put her into a nursing home?"
Tips for Mothers
- Avoid blaming your children for your problems
- Accept your children as unique human beings
- Do not expect your children to change for your comfort
- Be aware of the passing years - let your children grow up
- Evaluate your desires and life goals apart from your children
