I really need helpful advice, support, or whatever. My boyfriend is a recovering addict. He relapsed a couple of months ago, lasted a few weeks, then checked himself in to a sober- living environment for men where he could have stayed for as long as he needed to. After about 5 or 6 weeks he left and came back here clean. He went to NO meetings this week. This weekend he did it again, first weekend out, disappeared for 3 days, just came home a few hours ago in terrible shape. He is twitching, making weird noises, facial contortions. It's very bad. It was my intention to throw him straight out if he came back, but he is too sick to throw out. It would feel like I killed him, to me, if I put him out in this condition. Plus he could wreck his car and hurt somebody else. I've never smoked crack in my life, or been around anyone that has. This is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. So, this is twice now I have had to deal with this from him. I have to end this now, but he will be out with no money or anything, as he smoked his whole paycheck. I feel bad just putting him out when he is having problems, but I have 3 older kids, and I don't want them exposed to this. We had a very friendly and comfortable relationship before this happened. Any input from you guys on this sad situation?? Thanks!
- Thread starter Krickitt
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ThatLady
Member
You're responsible to yourself and your children, Krickitt. You're not responsible to, or for, your boyfriend. He's made his choice. You didn't make it for him. Now, he's a danger to you and to your children. Remember, they're seeing all this. That's not what you want for them, I'm sure.
Does he have any family members who might come get him? If not, call the cops and ask them to come get this creature out of your house and away from your children. You can't let him ruin their lives, or yours. You need to stop this now. That's your only responsibility here, as I see it.
Does he have any family members who might come get him? If not, call the cops and ask them to come get this creature out of your house and away from your children. You can't let him ruin their lives, or yours. You need to stop this now. That's your only responsibility here, as I see it.
I do know that he needs to learn the hard way. Does he have family to go to? Anyway, it's not your problem, as ThatLady says.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
There's a famous book on addiction with the excellent title The Selfish Brain.
An addict doesn't care about himself or anyone else or anything else in the universe... except his drug.
At this point, he's a drowning man who will pull you under with him if you allow it. Let him go. There are detox centres and shelters in every town and city. If he needs it, he can find it.
An addict doesn't care about himself or anyone else or anything else in the universe... except his drug.
At this point, he's a drowning man who will pull you under with him if you allow it. Let him go. There are detox centres and shelters in every town and city. If he needs it, he can find it.
Thank you both. You are right, of course. Thankfully my kids have not seen him like this, and he will be out of here, with his things, before they wake up tomorrow. I don't want to call the police and expose my kids to that, now that he has finally stopped twitching and moaning and is asleep.No family around for him, so I don't know what will happen to him, but my family has to come first. I have dated very little since my divorce, because I have not wanted anyone around my kids!!! So this just proves my point on that one!!!
Thank you, David. He has been in treatment several times over the last 20 years. I am afraid he may be one of those that are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, as they say. I'll check out that book!
Thank you, David. He has been in treatment several times over the last 20 years. I am afraid he may be one of those that are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, as they say. I'll check out that book!
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David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
To be honest, it's been on my "must read" list for several years. But I love the title. 
My BF has just disappeared. He has not been at work. I have checked every treatment center, hospital, the jail, half-way houses- looking for his car. The AA places he frequents, no one has seen him. I am afraid something really bad is happening to him. I am not sure throwing him out was the right thing to do, even though I had to because of my teens at home. I was kind of all he had left. Feeling guilty now, and afraid.
I don't know if this writing is in the right place, or if I am supposed to start something new.
I don't know if this writing is in the right place, or if I am supposed to start something new.
Maybe he is staying at someone's house.
I think I was the last friend he had left. He talked about dying alot, and the night before I made him leave, he rented Leaving Las Vegas, and insisted I watch every minute of it. He was acting very strange, kept looking at me to make sure I was paying attention. I had never seen it before, and saw some real similarities there to our relationship, except she just accepted his wish to die, which I have never accepted from him-- and, of course, I am not a hooker! It concerned me how intent he was on it. I felt like he was trying to talk to me through the movie. The movie was very sad.
Well, you aren't responsible for his behavior, and there's nothing you have to do regarding his welfare. (Even if he told you he was going to kill himself if you left him, that would be viewed as emotional blackmail.) Also, it seems this isn't the first time you haven't been privy to his whereabouts since he recently "disappeared for 3 days" and got high again prior to coming to your house. Anyway, if you have his parents' or siblings' contact information, just let them deal with it. Otherwise, the only other thing I can think of is to file a missing person's report, and I don't know if that is worthwhile or warranted in this case.
Thank you, Daniel. A missing person's report is probably not the right thing. As you pointed out, he has another life somewhere out there. I have not been smart here. His Dad called me months ago, after he first relapsed, and told me to get rid of him right away. I did not listen, because I had no history with him of how he gets when he relapses, so I did not get rid of him. Obviously his Dad, who loves him and is fed up, was right. Oh, well, live and learn, I guess.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The statistical reality is that, as much as addicts may talk about or even threaten suicide, they are far more likely to die from an accidental overdose, an MVA, liver or heart failure as a result of drug abuse, or the consequences of a drug deal gone bad than from suicide.
He's likely just on another binge.
He's likely just on another binge.
Right, David. I just hope I'm not stupid enough to take him back again when he is sick. I have a long time issue with trying to help people, feeling responsible for others, and it gets me over and over again. But- I will say- I am not feeling that way right now. I am glad this place is here. Great support. One day soon I will get brave and venture out into the threads here. I don't know anybody here, so I feel kind of shy around you guys!!!
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
No need to feel shy or intimidated here, Krickitt.
We're all basically just a bunch of people trying to do the same thing you're trying to do - stumbling around trying to figure out what life's all about, how to cope with what it throws at us, and what it is we're supposed to be doing here.
ThatLady
Member
You don't owe this man anything, Krickitt. He's a user and an abuser. The only thing that matters to him is getting his drugs. You can't have that around yourself and your children.
The BF has made his choice. Now, he has to live with that choice. He's going to try guilt (that's what he was doing with the movie, by the way), cajoling, promises, ranting, and anything else he can think of. You need to change your locks, get a restraining order if necessary, and cut him completely loose. He'll find his way, or he won't. Whichever happens, it's his problem and his alone. Don't make it yours, and don't make it your children's.
The BF has made his choice. Now, he has to live with that choice. He's going to try guilt (that's what he was doing with the movie, by the way), cajoling, promises, ranting, and anything else he can think of. You need to change your locks, get a restraining order if necessary, and cut him completely loose. He'll find his way, or he won't. Whichever happens, it's his problem and his alone. Don't make it yours, and don't make it your children's.
Into The Light
MVP
beautifully putWe're all basically just a bunch of people trying to do the same thing you're trying to do - stumbling around trying to figure out what life's all about, how to cope with what it throws at us, and what it is we're supposed to be doing here.
You need to move on, I grew up in the 70's, back then we thought drugs were cool, but today things are out of control, much different, less recreational and more tragic.
A heavy drug user will use you (for money to buy more drugs, even steal from you), so it is best that you forget about this BF and cut off communication for your own good so you can progress in your life and protect your children and have the hope to keep your family together.
A heavy drug user will use you (for money to buy more drugs, even steal from you), so it is best that you forget about this BF and cut off communication for your own good so you can progress in your life and protect your children and have the hope to keep your family together.
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