AidanMC
Member
Hello Everyone,
I'm male, 57 years of age as of yesterday 18th February, married with 3 children, 2 of whom are working overseas, my youngest girl is 16 years of age and has a year and a half to go in her 2nd level education.
My story is as follows. I'm an average enough person with a mortgage and a car in the driveway. I've been working in Graphics for 38 years, mostly for advertising agencies.
A few years ago my life changed dramatically. I began to get very fearful. I'd always had a degree of fear not too far beneath the surface, but this was different. This had all the hallmarks of PTSD, but at the time there was no evidence of trauma.
As a young child, for whatever reason, my mother and I didn't bond in a loving way. I was the 2nd child by 2 years, and when I was 2, another child came along. My mother had problems of her own, having grown up with a chronic alcoholic father, but I do remember she doted on my younger brother, who was born when I was 2.
I was just dropped like a hot potato, and started having a recurring nightmare where I would see an jet plane high in the sky as I stood in what could be described as a ruin, or derelict building. I would call out to my mother who was on the plane in order to stop her going away and shortly after that I would wake up screaming.
My father was the one who would come in and settle me back to sleep. I became a fearful child. My father was a kind man but he didn't wear the trousers at home, and could never do anything right according to my mother. There were regular screaming rows and I remember being very frightened indeed.
During my teens I was extremely shy but ended up in a 2 relationships, both of which lasted a couple of years and were eventually ended by the girls and not myself, and for no particular reason. I was absolutely devastated on both occasions.
After the 2nd breakup I was 20 years old and I spent a whole summer sitting in a wooded area about a mile from where I lived, drinking cider and listening to Jimi Hendrix music. I didn't I had a talent for music and ended up neglecting my schooling so I could be involved with a rock band. Music was a tremendous release for me and soon I was doing the whole bit - sex, drugs and rock & roll. I started using women for sex, because I couldn't trust them in a relationship.
By the time I was 26 I was asked to leave home by my parents who felt I was out of control. My father had asked the family GP if he could give me anything to sort out my crazy lifestyle, so he started prescribing Valium, and I was soon to become addicted. Now out on my own and very afraid, I began to curb my slippery slope lifestyle, and I lived in a one room bedsit trying to figure out what I needed to do. I was working by then and only drank at the weekends. But there was a huge void on the inside. I wanted to settle down with someone, but didn't think I'd ever find anyone to have me.
A few years later I met someone and 1 year after that we were married with our 1st child on the way. I was so happy it was like I had arrived. Everything was falling into place. I had more confidence. I stopped taking Valium cold turkey and got through it no problem. We moved into a house a year later and everything was still great. We had a 2nd child. My wife got depressed over a problem with her mother, who lived next door to us. I started drinking and taking Valium again, but the relationship had changed, and I again felt unwanted. I went into rehab to get myself sorted out and we continued to try and keep our marriage together. Inside it felt like I was losing everything again. My wife became very depressed and started screaming and shouting at me for no apparent reason. I was never violent or aggressive.
After a while things calmed down a bit and I stopped drinking altogether, although I was still addicted to Valium. I tried in vain to stop. Since then my wife and I have restored our relationship as best we can. She's still on an antidepressant and I'm still on Valium.
Looking back at things now, I'm not very pleased with myself, and I haven't taken alcohol in 10 years. But now I'm afraid a lot of the time, and so is my wife. The fact is, I'm probably still looking for a replacement mother. I find myself longing for someone to come along and just look after me, in the way a child would want it. I know how that must sound, but what's the point if I'm not being honest. In recent years I've weathered 2 redundancies that weren't my own fault. I even tried religion but it didn't work for me.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I've always tried to make amends. At the moment I'd just like to know why I'm so afraid and have nightmares every single night. I'm under some financial pressure at the moment too and that's not helping either. And that's it. That's pretty much a life's history, so far. Where do I go from here, I wonder?
I'm male, 57 years of age as of yesterday 18th February, married with 3 children, 2 of whom are working overseas, my youngest girl is 16 years of age and has a year and a half to go in her 2nd level education.
My story is as follows. I'm an average enough person with a mortgage and a car in the driveway. I've been working in Graphics for 38 years, mostly for advertising agencies.
A few years ago my life changed dramatically. I began to get very fearful. I'd always had a degree of fear not too far beneath the surface, but this was different. This had all the hallmarks of PTSD, but at the time there was no evidence of trauma.
As a young child, for whatever reason, my mother and I didn't bond in a loving way. I was the 2nd child by 2 years, and when I was 2, another child came along. My mother had problems of her own, having grown up with a chronic alcoholic father, but I do remember she doted on my younger brother, who was born when I was 2.
I was just dropped like a hot potato, and started having a recurring nightmare where I would see an jet plane high in the sky as I stood in what could be described as a ruin, or derelict building. I would call out to my mother who was on the plane in order to stop her going away and shortly after that I would wake up screaming.
My father was the one who would come in and settle me back to sleep. I became a fearful child. My father was a kind man but he didn't wear the trousers at home, and could never do anything right according to my mother. There were regular screaming rows and I remember being very frightened indeed.
During my teens I was extremely shy but ended up in a 2 relationships, both of which lasted a couple of years and were eventually ended by the girls and not myself, and for no particular reason. I was absolutely devastated on both occasions.
After the 2nd breakup I was 20 years old and I spent a whole summer sitting in a wooded area about a mile from where I lived, drinking cider and listening to Jimi Hendrix music. I didn't I had a talent for music and ended up neglecting my schooling so I could be involved with a rock band. Music was a tremendous release for me and soon I was doing the whole bit - sex, drugs and rock & roll. I started using women for sex, because I couldn't trust them in a relationship.
By the time I was 26 I was asked to leave home by my parents who felt I was out of control. My father had asked the family GP if he could give me anything to sort out my crazy lifestyle, so he started prescribing Valium, and I was soon to become addicted. Now out on my own and very afraid, I began to curb my slippery slope lifestyle, and I lived in a one room bedsit trying to figure out what I needed to do. I was working by then and only drank at the weekends. But there was a huge void on the inside. I wanted to settle down with someone, but didn't think I'd ever find anyone to have me.
A few years later I met someone and 1 year after that we were married with our 1st child on the way. I was so happy it was like I had arrived. Everything was falling into place. I had more confidence. I stopped taking Valium cold turkey and got through it no problem. We moved into a house a year later and everything was still great. We had a 2nd child. My wife got depressed over a problem with her mother, who lived next door to us. I started drinking and taking Valium again, but the relationship had changed, and I again felt unwanted. I went into rehab to get myself sorted out and we continued to try and keep our marriage together. Inside it felt like I was losing everything again. My wife became very depressed and started screaming and shouting at me for no apparent reason. I was never violent or aggressive.
After a while things calmed down a bit and I stopped drinking altogether, although I was still addicted to Valium. I tried in vain to stop. Since then my wife and I have restored our relationship as best we can. She's still on an antidepressant and I'm still on Valium.
Looking back at things now, I'm not very pleased with myself, and I haven't taken alcohol in 10 years. But now I'm afraid a lot of the time, and so is my wife. The fact is, I'm probably still looking for a replacement mother. I find myself longing for someone to come along and just look after me, in the way a child would want it. I know how that must sound, but what's the point if I'm not being honest. In recent years I've weathered 2 redundancies that weren't my own fault. I even tried religion but it didn't work for me.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I've always tried to make amends. At the moment I'd just like to know why I'm so afraid and have nightmares every single night. I'm under some financial pressure at the moment too and that's not helping either. And that's it. That's pretty much a life's history, so far. Where do I go from here, I wonder?
